Great Expectations and Guilt

I pictured myself as a somewhat crunchy, earthy new mom.  I knew that life would change dramatically, but knew I would be giving my little girl a good start if I was prepared to breastfeed, co-sleep (using a co-sleeper), and baby wear.  I made sure to be prepared with all of these things and 5 weeks in not a one of them is still viable:(.

I am still pumping, but spoke to the doctor about weaning yesterday as the bags of milk are beginning to overtake our freezer.  It will take about two weeks to see if soy is the answer to our feeding troubles and that is a lot of pumping that may be for nought.  I am struggling with the guilt though of being able to produce, to have it on hand, and not to give it to her.  However, I also have guilt that her feeding struggles might partially to blame on my breast milk.  All around the topic of breastmilk makes me feel like crap.

Isabella's Dock a tot just arrived.  It is a reminder of how co-sleeping with our noisy little girl did not work for us as at least one of her parents needs a good night sleep.  Figure it should be the one currently working outside of the home!  There is guilt here too as I want to do what is recommended best practice for keeping her safe.

Finally, the K'tan carrier worked well for taking walks the first few weeks though she was not a fan of being carried in it while I was in the house.  Now she won't get in it at all without crying (she is not a fan of facing inward or laying stomach/chest to stomach these days).  I also tried a sling, but her long body and my narrow upper body cause her to be squished.  As a result if my back starts to hurt from holding her or I need to get things done I have to put her in her bouncy, chair, swing or bassinet none of which she is happy about.  More guilt.

So on top of not being able to feed my little girl without issue (last night we were successful 2 out of three times, but today has been a disaster) I feel like a crap mom for not being able to do the things I set out to do that I feel are in her best interest.  Add to it the fact that I feel guilty for not savoring every moment given the fact we waited 6.5 years to experience the joy of parenthood. For sure mom guilt sucks:(.   However, would I have these guilty feelings if I had not set into place expectations that, while best practice, are not working for my child?  Probably not.  However, how do I transition my thinking to doing what is best for Isabella without following research based best practice.  I guess I need to find that mother's intuition.  It's got to be in here somewhere, right?!?!