Saturday, January 30, 2016

Race Day

In reflecting on my last few posts, I may be giving off the misconception that I am once again in a dark place, but in reality I (for the umpteenth time) hit a period of acceptance for where we are at in our journey. It has been eye opening to see just how many times you can cycle through the same emotions if a stagnant situation lasts long enough.  I pray with all of my heart I can stay here this time, but only time will tell.

I added a few more details to the guest room and think it looks really cute.  All of the nursery items have been tucked away but remain in the room, so should the need arise a quick swap can happen in a little less than an hour.  It is not from a place of defeat that I made the switch, rather it was because I felt the room was mocking me for jumping the gun too soon and it sucks being mocked in your own home (by cute inanimate zoo animals no less!).

I have focused my energies on a few new hobbies.  I have been running consistently again since the end of November.  This time I used a 10K trainer instead of a 5K trainer, so I am up to 5 miles.  I have set a goal of running 6 races in 2016 and this morning is race #1.  It is a 4 miler for a local Wounded Warrior fund.  The site gave no details about the course, but doesn't mention being a trail run so fingers crossed it is a road race!

My parents are here for the weekend so they and J.T. are coming to cheer me on.  Well actually it is only supposed to be 36 degrees out for the race, so they plan to see me off go grab breakfast and be back in time to see me finish:).  My goal is under 44 minutes.  Wish me luck!

Edited to add:  finished in 39:55!

Sunday, January 24, 2016

From a guest room to a nursery back to a guest room

In our conversation last weekend about where do we go from here I mentioned wanting to try to find a way to camouflage the nursery back into a guest room.

It seems like such a good idea 18 months ago to have a gender neutral nursery ready to go, but last fall I began to see the flaw in the plan and we kept the door to the room closed.  Closed apparently wasn't enough for me though because is still knew what was on the other side of the door and it tore at my heart when I thought about it.

So today completely out of the blue I started the remodel.  Yes, there were tears but once I was finished I felt some how cleansed and at peace with my impromptu decision. 

It will now allow sunlight to stream in the hall again.  It will allow guests to stay without the awkwardness of what is best left unsaid for now.  It allowed me to have some control even if just for an hour or two.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

"I'm not going to let you give up"

I had posted previously about wondering if we should throw in the towel on the TTC front because I feel like I am slowly, but surely losing my mind with walking down two different (never ending) paths and feeling like I am failing at every turn.

The subject came up as we were driving home from my in-laws after Christmas.  It was not an easy conversation and it was a conversation that needed to marinate for him.  So it wasn't until yesterday that he topic resurfaced.  Our friends brought home their baby girl on Friday-yay!!!   My husband also learned that a colleague who had his own experience with infertility was going to be a father this summer, so it was a tough double whammy for him.

He (very lovingly) explained that I was not a failure and I have never been a quitter.  He went on to say that I never let him give up and that he wasn't not going to let me give up either.  It was very sweet, and I explained that I would continue on but that I needed him (and God) to be in charge of everything TTC and adoption related for the foreseeable future.  He was good with that and mentioned he had been talking to God about the topic quite a bit recently but hadn't gotten much of an answer.  I agreed that God has been silent on this particular subject for quite some time.  However that is not going to stop us from continuing to ask Him for guidance.

My husband noted that God helps those who helps themselves, so we (or should I say he) is back to reviewing IVF as a possible option and I am back to OPKs and tracking my cycle.  While we talked I also expressed my fear that even if I am able to get pregnant I worry about not being able to carry a pregnancy to term (there is not reason for me to think this other than the difficulty we have had even getting pregnant),  His response was well at that point we have done everything we possibly could and will go down fighting.

I don't have much (any) fight left in my, but that is the beauty of marriage I guess as he is leading the charge for us both.