Sunday, August 23, 2015

Back to School

As per usual, the summer has flown by.  Though I am not as sad to see it end as I usually am.  It was a nice summer, with nice memories, but it was also an emotional low for me.

I have been angry at God for weeks now, which is not a place I want to be.  My spiritual maturity, while it has grown exponentially in the last few years, is still that of an adolescent  As a result, I have spent the last month or so acting like a petulant teenager in my relationship with God.

Haven't been to church (or even watched online) since early June.  I have stopped reading or listening to the Bible daily as I had been doing for the last 3.5 years.  I spent a while not talking to Him at all. I spent a few days just telling Him how angry I was at Him. The only two spiritual outlets I have faithfully turned to all summer have been my Christian music stations and our Community Group.

In classic "What came first-the chicken or the egg?" format, I now find myself asking "Did I turn away from God because I was angry or did I become angry because I turned away from God?".    I honestly don't know.  But here I am slowly digging out of a pit of despair.

Over the last few days my hardened heart has begun to soften and I have heard God on two fronts. One on the front of doubt.  Through this whole process I have never doubted God.  His timing & plan are perfect.  I have been doubting myself-thinking that I wasn't understanding or hearing the things He wanted me to do.  I came to the revelation this past week, that he is GOD.  If I wasn't listening or understanding He would just talk louder, send a more clear sign, or do something that would help ensure that I was in fact heeding His message.

The second front is "Why in the world is this taking sooooo long?".  We have been trying to become parents for FIVE YEARS without so much as a single positive pregnancy test, potential match,  or whisper of a child in any way, shape or form joining our family.  While I still don't know, I did come to realize that there are ways in which God is using our childlessness for what I can only assume is His purpose.

Last year the night before the first day of school, I was convinced that it was going to be my last first day of school for a while.  Clearly it wasn't and tomorrow may not be my last  first day of school either.  I have finished decorating my office.  I have developed year long plans for staff development much of which I plan to lead. We have even begun to make vacation plans for spring break.

Accepting where I am instead of where I want to be is so, so very hard.  However, I am making Psalm 23:1 my new mantra.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Fitbits, 5Ks, and Zombies, oh my!

So in May I was bitching about reflecting upon the fact that I had gained 10 pounds since we decided to adopt.  Made a meager attempt to eat better and walked/ ran for a few weeks, but then the end of the school year and summer hit and I just kind of stopped.  Fast forward to the beginning of July and I went to the doctor for a physical, got on the scale, and my eyes just about bugged out of my head as I turned to the nurse and exclaimed "Is this thing broken?!?".  I had somehow managed to gain 10 MORE pounds in about 6 weeks.  I was shocked...I didn't even know you could gain that much that fast without really putting some concerted effort into it!  But alas, I discovered first hand that you most decidedly can.

Well that was a much needed wake up call and, now 20 pounds to lose, I did not waste any time. After confirming from labs that there was no medical reason for the weight gain, I became a woman-on-a-mission.

I am proud to say that after 5 weeks I have lost those crazy 10 pounds and can begin to work on the 10 I set out to lose in May.  Sigh,..had I just started then with this intensity, but I digress...

Weight Watchers is my go to when I have what I consider a LOT of weight to lose (I am now counting 10 pounds as a LOT for future reference).  We got Fitbits for our anniversary, and I finished the Couch to 5K running plan for the third time in three years (hmmm...maybe if I just stuck with running I would have start over again...novel idea!).  I just finished over the weekend and have started a new app called Zombies Run.  I have been really excited to try it, but may have built it up too much in my head because when I tried it on Tuesday I was not overly impressed, but I'm going to give it another shot.

I set out to lose 10 pounds by the time the teachers at my school came back, so I can check that one off my list (they come back on Monday).  The next goal is to lose the remaining 10 by my birthday at the end of October.  Sounds doable, but we shall see what the new school year brings!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Not So Proud Moments

Over the last five years I have developed almost a sixth sense for when someone is going to announce they are pregnant.  It has come in very handy.  Even if it's only a moment or two it is enough for my brain to process, react internally (sometimes sad, sometimes mad, sometimes neither-dependent totally upon my mood and nothing to do with the person doing the announcing), and then respond appropriately with joy and congratulations.

It appears I now need to develop the same sense for adoption matches.  There is a couple I know who decided this past spring that adoption was the path they were led to after struggling with infertility for almost two years.  I was excited for them and offered support, encouragement and left the door open if they ever wanted to talk.

Last week I learned from a mutual colleague that this couple has already been matched and the due date is very close.  Fortunately this colleague has been aware of our struggles and is an adoptive parent himself, so that when I did not respond, what most would say, appropriately (Something along the lines of "You're kidding...already?  God and I have some talking to do!) he was sympathetic and did not seem to judge when I said I was going to go home and throw things.    .

Fortunately, I learned the news in the way I did so when I see them I can respond with grace, if not sincerity.  I sincerely want to be happy for them.  They are wonderful people and will make excellent parents.  I should be glad their struggle is not as long as ours and that they will get to bring their little one home soon. However, the only feelings I seem to be able to muster at this point are sadness, frustration, and jealousy.

A few weeks ago, I wasn't sure how to process feeling numb.  Well that's no longer a concern as I now have a whole hotbed of ugly emotions that I am trying to process.  I used to enjoy roller coasters when I was a kid, but this one seems like it may never end.