The (Genetic) Mother of my Child

I never imagined having to choose the (genetic) mother of my child.  J.T. assumed once we got married he had made this decision.  Yet, here we are.

The good news is that while the path we are on is not experienced by many, we are not the pioneers.  So I turned to my internet mentors for guidance.  Each discussed the personal criteria they worked within and what led them to their particular set of criteria.  In fairness to others who may take this path after us, I offer our experience.

I mentioned a few days ago that I didn't realize it, but I did feel drawn to try to find a donor who looked something like me.  As a result we narrowed our search to donors with similar hair color (it has gotten darker as I've gotten older so it gave us a bit of a spectrum) and light eyes.  Intellect and ambition were also important to us both.  Personality and interests also were outlying factors.  I found myself drawn to woman who were musically inclined, athletic, and interested in reading/games/trivia all of which fall in my wheelhouse.

Without my online mentors I would not have thought to consider a donor's previous fertility (i.e. had she given birth or had any of her donated eggs resulted in a live birth), so that was added to the list. Another item I found myself looking for (thanks to those who have walked this path before us) was a "genuine" reason for donating.  I appreciated the honesty of the woman who shared of loved ones experiences with infertility which motivated them to donate themselves or that they wanted to do what they could for others but also needed the compensation for their time to pay off students loans.

Through advice from my online mentors we also each went off separately to review the potential "candidates", came up with our top picks from each of two eggs banks with whom our RE works, and come together to see if there was any overlap.  Given how different my husband and I are, it is not surprising that we only came back with one match...but at least we had one!

We fully recognize and accept that our adopted child may come to us with a very different background from the choices we have made here, and even though we have actively sought a donor with these characteristics we full recognize that this little one may be nothing like we imagine.  Heck, even with our own DNA who knows what we would get?!?  However, over the last six years of having very few options it was honestly a refreshing (while at the same time overwhelming and nerve wracking) change of pace.