I don't love needles, but after meeting with the nurse and getting our protocol I think I will be ok on that front. I am also not scared of the actual procedure itself. I am not over the moon about essentially draining our savings, but know that it is just money and can be replaced.
I am scared- I will not get pregnant or if I do that I will miscarry or have a stillborn or the baby will be born and suffer from a fatal disease.
For the normally level headed, positive thinking person I am, this unfamiliar and overwhelming fear feels like def-con 5 and I don't know how to deal. I hate that infertility has knocked the naivete right out of me as I would love to be blissfully ignorant of all of things, but while all of my reading has led me a better understanding of what we are going through it has also exposed me to the grief that may still lay ahead on our journey. I used to, again naively, believe that once you had been dealt a blow in one area of your life that area was no longer vulnerable to future "attacks" as you had paid your dues in that realm. However, I now know that this is not true and that bad things can strike over and over and over again.
Yesterday, these feelings came to a head. It was my first official day off and gave myself the freedom to do nothing. Unfortunately, nothing can lead to lots of thinking which in my case turned into these feelings bubbling over. Keeping my stress level down is important for success so this has to change.
Later in the afternoon I needed to get out so I took a long walk and spent some time spilling my heart out to God. By the end of the walk I felt better. Hard not to when the day looked like this:
I also had these two scriptures laid on my heart:
Clearly these are going to need to become daily mantras for the coming weeks (and God willing months!) ahead.
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