Lifetime of Worry?

Ugh, so I spent a healthy part of the summer fearing and worrying about the unknown (what if we don't get any embryos?  what if they don't stick? what if they stop growing?).  You may recall right before I went in for the first beta test, I made my peace with God and left in His hands.

Well it has been two weeks to the day since our last beta and I have once again allowed the fear and worry to snowball.  Late last week I started getting food aversions and some low level morning sickness throughout the day.  While it has been annoying it has given me some comfort in the absence of medical feedback that all is well with our little friend(s).  Tuesday and yesterday I had long periods of feeling ok and the cramping has returned off and on, so I immediately began to worry that something was wrong.

Compounded with that craziness I have also been googling miscarriage statistics.  It has again provided some superficial comfort that given where we are at the rate of miscarriage is only somewhere around 10%.  However, that still has not been enough to keep thoughts of not hearing a heartbeat at tomorrow's ultrasound at bay:(.

As I was driving to work this morning a terrible stream of thought dawned on me...

IF we get through tomorrow successfully will I continue to google statistics and question every symptom or non-symptom until the end of the first trimester?

IF we get through the first trimester successfully will I continue to carry this fear through trimesters two and three?

IF we get through trimesters two and three successfully will I fear a stillbirth?

IF we through delivery successfully what will I fear next?

I am setting myself up for a life of obsessive fear for my child(ren) and that is no way for any of us to live!

Yes, fear in small doses in certain circumstances is healthy.  Fear of a million WHAT IFs is most certainly NOT!

So my prayer to God this morning was once again (I am so glad he is a patient and forgiving God because I seem to be messing this one up a lot lately!) to help me turn to him in times of stress for I can only find true peace in Him.  Also to help me focus on evidence and not conjecture.  To this point in time all evidence points to a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby(ies), so I need to stop wasting this joyful time by borrowing trouble that is not mine!

Today was better.