Oh what a night-Happy Memorial Day!

My MIL was supposed to come on Sunday, but ended up not being able to.  So my parents hung around with Isabella and I on the back porch.  Playing games, drinking wine, rocking/holding/feeding a fussy baby.  My brother came up and joined the fun a little later in the day.

Little girl seemed to be constipated so I called the nurse line (what did people do before those existed?!?!).  They suggested giving her an ounce of apple juice which we did, but then she wouldn't eat anything else.  Fortunately she had eaten a fair amount right before then but unfortunately it had been around dinner time.  I was confident that the stretch of sleep she has begun to fall into when I put her down around 9 (she will usually sleep until between 12-1) would vanish as she would be hungry.

I was pleasantly surprised to be wrong!  She slept her regular stretch and then ate like a champ a little after midnight.  She then slept another 2.5 hours and then got up for the day a little after 6.  Only two wake ups and both went super smoothly (ate, rocked, fell back to sleep all within 45 minutes!).  Maybe we are turning a corner and she will join the ranks of babies sleeping well through the night....dare I dream?!?!?

Final Leg of the Road to Recovery?

Well I had my D & C and hysteroscopy (which I cannot pronounce to save my life for some reason) it went off without a hitch.    One of the 50,000 service providers who wandered through my room was a parent of a former students so that was kind of awkward, but once again for all the medical issues I have experienced I have nothing but good things to say about the hospital.

My parents came down last night so they could watch the baby and J.T. could go with me for the procedure.  Anesthesia is crazy.  One minute I'm being wheeled into a room and the next I am waking up in recovery.  It also have me a nice buzz for a couple of hours afterwards.

So what is it that she found you ask, well of course it was the one thing they thought was the least likely- retained placenta.  It was in a weird place which is how it was missed on both ultrasounds (an probably initially as well).  Hopefully this is the final piece of the recovery puzzle!

It is nice to once again have my parents here soaking in their granddaughter taking on lots of feedings and holdings so I can rest and get stuff done!

Saturday night I was determined to go out so we took Isabella to a craft brew place that is in a renovated house and we sat out at a picnic table on the lawn and played Brewopoly (yes it is a craft beer version of Monopoly) while Isabella slept.  I'm so glad this baby has proved to be so good out and about otherwise I think I would go nuts.

Looking forward to a week that will hopefully be somewhat back to normal (whatever that is these days!).

6 Weeks Old

Great Expectations and Guilt

I pictured myself as a somewhat crunchy, earthy new mom.  I knew that life would change dramatically, but knew I would be giving my little girl a good start if I was prepared to breastfeed, co-sleep (using a co-sleeper), and baby wear.  I made sure to be prepared with all of these things and 5 weeks in not a one of them is still viable:(.

I am still pumping, but spoke to the doctor about weaning yesterday as the bags of milk are beginning to overtake our freezer.  It will take about two weeks to see if soy is the answer to our feeding troubles and that is a lot of pumping that may be for nought.  I am struggling with the guilt though of being able to produce, to have it on hand, and not to give it to her.  However, I also have guilt that her feeding struggles might partially to blame on my breast milk.  All around the topic of breastmilk makes me feel like crap.

Isabella's Dock a tot just arrived.  It is a reminder of how co-sleeping with our noisy little girl did not work for us as at least one of her parents needs a good night sleep.  Figure it should be the one currently working outside of the home!  There is guilt here too as I want to do what is recommended best practice for keeping her safe.

Finally, the K'tan carrier worked well for taking walks the first few weeks though she was not a fan of being carried in it while I was in the house.  Now she won't get in it at all without crying (she is not a fan of facing inward or laying stomach/chest to stomach these days).  I also tried a sling, but her long body and my narrow upper body cause her to be squished.  As a result if my back starts to hurt from holding her or I need to get things done I have to put her in her bouncy, chair, swing or bassinet none of which she is happy about.  More guilt.

So on top of not being able to feed my little girl without issue (last night we were successful 2 out of three times, but today has been a disaster) I feel like a crap mom for not being able to do the things I set out to do that I feel are in her best interest.  Add to it the fact that I feel guilty for not savoring every moment given the fact we waited 6.5 years to experience the joy of parenthood. For sure mom guilt sucks:(.   However, would I have these guilty feelings if I had not set into place expectations that, while best practice, are not working for my child?  Probably not.  However, how do I transition my thinking to doing what is best for Isabella without following research based best practice.  I guess I need to find that mother's intuition.  It's got to be in here somewhere, right?!?!

The Journey Down the Rabbit Hole Continues

I see my labor and recovery as the following equations:

Broken water + no contractions=Pitocin
Pitocin + back labor= epidural
epidural+big baby with a big head facing the wrong way=c-section
c-section=abscess + excessive post partum bleeding
Medicine + excessive bleeding= no change
No change=hystoscopy + D & C:(

Had my post-postpartum follow up visit today.  They have three theories as to why I am still bleeding (endometrial tissue stuck in the wall of uterus, placenta still remaining is unlikely as they have yet to see any on an external or internal ultrasound or polyps).  That's right, I am making up for a lifetime of good health in one season!  The good news is that I have reached my insurance limits across the board so this is a buy a bunch get one free special and is on the house.

The procedure will be on Friday and from what I understand, while I am put under anesthesia, is theoretically pretty low key.  My parents are coming back down (three times in 6 weeks-these people are saints) and J.T. is taking off work to come with me.

I just want to be better.'
'
On a more positive note, last night with Isabella went much better.  I find when I catch her before she is crying or she is drowsy feedings go much smoother.  So I just set me alarm to wake her every three hours.  All of last nights feedings went smoothly and there were only two difficult feeds and one fussy feed today.  Progress!

PPD

So Sunday night was not much better and with all of the crying and emotions I felt over the weekend I have begun to wonder if I may be heading down the path to PPD.  I, in fact, made this exact statement to J.T. this morning.  He suggested exercise, fish oil, and to reach out to the doctor.   We also decided I would drop the Summer I class I was supposed to start tonight.  Side note:  I somehow got through the rest of my spring semester and got three A's so arrogantly assumed taking a single summer I class would be a non-issue.  Had baby sitters lined up, ordered the text books, but given my state of mind it seemed best not to add anything else to equation so I dropped the class this morning.

I went to the stroller exercise class and it did feel infinitely better to be out exercising and commiserating with a mom of a sometimes fussy 7 week old.  I also called a friend and she was of great support.  During our phone call however one dog ate half a pacifier and the other one lost the use of one of his back legs.  So I got off and called the vet who wanted me to bring both dogs in ASAP.

That's right while running on fumes, I was supposed to bring in my 5 week old and two dogs, one of whom could not walk.  Somehow this challenge invigorated me and I was able to pull it off with Isabella only getting fussy towards the end of our 2 hour visit to the vet (which I think actually got us out of there a bit faster!).  They induced vomiting in the dog who ate the paci and popped the knee of the other dog back into place, so all in all a successful visit.  After the vet, I stopped at the Chick-fil-a and drove around Charlotte for 30 minutes while Isabella and the dogs slept in the back seat.

After dropping the dogs back off at home Isabella and I went to Target to exchange some things.  I am noticing that Isabella does like to be out and about.  Even though she just stays in her carseat or in the stroller maybe the change of the scenery does her good!

I also spoke to the doctor about my Postpartum Depression concerns.  Turns out my only symptoms were not just feeling hopeless on occasion or all the tears.  Apparently it is not common to lose all 30 pounds of your pregnancy weight (plus some) in 5 weeks.  Also it is not common to have trouble sleeping when you get the opportunity when you are getting virtually no sleep.   So, there you go.  The doctor said he would refer me to a counselor who is supposed to get in touch to do a more thorough evaluation and he mentioned meds, but said I would need to stay on the for at least 6 months.  I am certainly hoping that once I get my recovery issues under control (yup still bleeding) and a better handle on Miss Isabella's eating/sleeping things will look brighter, so I declined further discussion of the medication.

I gotta tell you, finding myself in this position has caught me completely off guard.  I have highs and lows just like everyone else but despite very stressful situations have always found ways to cope on my own.  The doctor explained that each person has a threshold.  For some being a first time parent and postpartum hormones are enough to trigger PPD.  For others the threshold is higher.  Apparently my threshold is  24 hours of labor, plus a c-section, plus stomach distention and a five day hospital stay, plus breastfeeding issues, plus an abscess and readmission into the hospital, plus excessive postpartum bleeding, plus a trip to the emergency room, plus no answers for the continued bleeding plus extensive medical bills from all of the above, plus a newborn with feeding and sleeping issues, plus being a first time parent and hormones.

Rough Weekend

It is great having J.T. home on the weekends.  He took care of Isabella for a couple hours Friday evening so I could lay down and let me sleep in for a few hours on Saturday and did Isabella's first daylight feeding.  I also finally got to get my hair done.  It is also nice to have another adult around during the day.

All that being said, it was a challenging weekend:(.  Unfortunately the medicine was not the magic cure for Isabella's eating woes.  Friday night she was up just about every hour and was fussy or all out screaming for most of the time she was awake ( she only slept about 5 hours total overnight and it was very choppy so I was lucky if I got 2!).  Saturdays feedings weren't much better though she did take some longer naps.  Despite having gotten virtually no sleep I had trouble napping when she was.
Saturday was virtually a repeat of Friday night except this time I think I dozed off a couple of times while she had the bottle in her mouth (yikes!).  Sunday she would only nap during the day if one of us was holding her.  Fortunately I found a great Netflix series to bingewatch (Life in Pieces); however, other than doing some mowing and tidying around the house all we got done was feeding and holding a baby.

In addition to the eating issues she also struggled to sleep well in her co-sleeper.  She kept wriggling around and either he face would end up in the mesh side or she would somehow find herself wriggled down to the bottom.  In either of this instances she would wake up and cry.

I cried off and on all weekend and there were definitely moments when I was holding her and she was screaming/crying that I just felt completely at a loss.  By Sunday needed to get a game plan in place.  I reached out to friends for advice and everyone was quick to respond.  It's crazy that all of them have had at least one kiddo who struggled greatly with eating, sleeping or both!

Morbid side note:  I got to thinking how did parents in the past cope with this (thinking before modern medicine and conveniences) so  I googled infant mortality (told you it was morbid) and it turns out at the beginning of the 20th century 1 in 3 babies did not reach their first birthday.  Fortunately, infant mortality has improved dramatically (by over 90%), but I guess it helps shed light on the biological struggles babies face and how much effort is needed to support them.  Put in proper perspective my kid is eating and is sleeping within normal parameters so even if it's an emotional struggle (well I guess also physical since I'm not sleeping) she is not in danger even if she is uncomfortable.

One friend mentioned her son had a dairy allergy.  Well since the doctor had mentioned dairy last week that is one direction we took.  I eliminated breastmilk starting Sunday evening (so that we could just focus on one variable and my production of breastmilk while just sufficient did not provide any buffer for spilt milk, a low production time, not finishing a bottle in a sitting, etc.) so we went with formula.  I plan to call the pedi on Monday about changing to soy formula.  I also set up a schedule in Google calendar that covered 7am-10pm.  I recognize that it may not be followed but it at least gives some structure which I am in great need of!  I also found different mommy and me type of activities to add to the schedule (Stroller Exercise Group, Baby Story Time at the Library, Weekly "play date" with a friend, etc) so that we are getting out at least once a day.  Isabella and I are also sleeping downstairs again so she can sleep in the pack and play bassinet (less wiggle around space) until the Dock a tot I ordered for her crib arrives on Wednesday.

Hopefully at least some of these little tweaks will make a big difference in the upcoming week because right now I feel like I am hanging on my a thread!