Can I tell you a secret?

As a part of my prayers each morning I have been including a prayer for the baby.  It dawned on me that I have been saying something along the lines of "Thank you for blessing us with this tiny baby growing inside of me.".  One day I realized that this baby was our baby and it gave me pause.

Since there are those of you reading this who are considering the use of a donor in some way, shape or form, I am going to shoot straight from the hip on this one.  To this point while I make sure the choices I make each and every day are in the best interest of tiny baby and I am so grateful that we are blessed with a child, I struggle to feel an actual connection with him/her.

A part of me wonders if it has to do with the fact that I tend to process emotions more like a stereotypical man than a woman.  In some of what I have read it talks about how men sometimes struggle to feel a connection to the baby until s/he is born because until that point it doesn't seem "real".  I think I can relate.  Despite the fact I have seen tiny baby on a bunch of ultrasounds, have even seen moving legs, arms, and a flip, and can see my tiny baby bump grow,  I can't feel any of it so it just seems like I am watching someone else up there on the monitor.  I am wondering if once I can feel tiny baby move inside of me it will feel more "real".

Another part of me wonders ::hangs head in shame:: if because tiny baby and I do not have a genetic link that this is what is causing me to not feel a connection.  I have read blogs where women who carry a baby created by way of donor eggs forgot almost immediately that s/he was not a genetic child, and I feel guilty for remembering more often than I think I "should" that tiny baby was made from J.T. and the generous gift from and genes of a woman we call Hannah (it just felt like her name).

In no way, do these thoughts diminish the love I have for tiny baby, but I do wonder if I'm doing something "wrong" for not already feeling a connection.  My logic minded brain knows that when it comes to feelings there really is not right or wrong, but I still feel guilty.

However, to work through this guilt, I am going to quote my wise friend, Amanda, who had this to say about a different baby related topic:

"I can't evening begin to imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you guys have been through an dhow you handle everything is perfect in my book:)."

So I am going to keep these words in mind the next time I contemplate the concept of connection and whether or not I am doing it "right".

Thanks for listening and for keeping my secret!