1984

Nope, not a George Orwell reference.

Rather 1984 was the last time I didn't personally experience a first day of school.

Until today.

Now I have learned over the last two years that school systems can still survive without me, BUT can I survive without school?

Not a question I had ever considered before.

When I was younger, ok until like 5 minutes ago, I (arrogantly) could not comprehend how people could graduate and not know what they were going to go next.  However, putting everything (and I mean everything) into God's hands has been a game changer.  I am putting one foot in front of the other with a flexible plan.

However, there are times (more and more times now that I am officially graduated) that I think I keep trying to be in charge again.  The tell tale sign?  Anxiety that seems to settle right in the middle of my chest.

When I truly give it to God I feel at peace.  That peace is amazing and something I have never before experienced.  When I do things on God's time and with his guidance tremendous things happen.

Old habits are hard to break.

Guess there's no time better than now.

Family Time

Isabella and I made the great northern trek again.  Ok, it's only 8 hours but when it's just you and a 2 year old it feels like a big, risky expedition!  This time we dragged my mom back with us.  This allowed her to spend more time with us (read: Isabella) and allowed me to get some things done around the house. Preschool doesn't start until September and naps are becoming a bit of a challenge for both kids, so there is no "guaranteed" kid free time during the day for me.  We also got to go on some "field trips" with AJ I don't feel brave enough to take with our normal 1:2 ratio.

We also decided to finally take my mom up on her offer to take our older dog back with her to their house for an extended visit.  Poor old girl still would like to start a "We hate Isabella Club" (a la Brad Pitt's cameo on Friends) and has snapped at her twice now when she has had food.  A break will hopefully do everyone some good. 

While my parents were here I finally took some time to clean out the attic.  Got rid of all of my remaining K-5 teacher stuff and whittled down my sentimental rubbermaid containers from three large tubs and one small tub to just one small tub.   While it was nice to see some of these things again, some I honestly didn't remember where they had come from!  Also the motivator that really got me moving on this project was my one and only child. 

One of my concerns with having an only is that all the responsibility for her aging parents will rest squarely on her shoulders.  While it's morbid to think about I realized there are things we can be doing, even starting right now, that can make it easier for her down the line.  This was one of them. 

I really enjoyed spending a week and half with my family and am very blessed that they are ready, willing and able to both receive us and travel to/with us.  I am hoping to instill this feeling of family and gratitude into Isabella too:).

My Weekend Off

Since we graduated from college, I have gotten together with three college friends for a girls weekend most summers.  We each live in different states, so it can be tricky but (until now) I have always been able to make it work.  This year the plan was to venture to Maryland.  Unfortunately, J.T.s back went out and he could not solo parent which resulted in my staying home:(.  As a consolation we decided I would get a weekend "off" in August.  The weekend had finally arrived.  Thank God!  I had reached my breaking point somewhere in potty training hell and was hanging on (mostly!) by a thread.

While of course missed seeing my college friends, I did get to turn what would have been 16 hours of driving time into fun/relaxation time.  I also made lots of plans with local friends sans kids which doesn't happen often anymore.   The downside of my "staycation" was that I got to stay in bed, but didn't get to sleep in.  Also by Sunday I was ready to do some serious binge watching of the final season of Jane the Virgin.  Soooo since staying home would have involved some degree of toddler-ness I thanked God in equal measure for the beautiful outdoors and modern technology.  I watched downloaded episodes on a blanket, under a tree in the park.  It was perfect!

Melt Downs for Everyone!

You get a meltdown! And you get a meltdown!  And you get a meltdown!  Ugh, this is such a sad place these days.

Isabella's emotions are strong, but her buddy A.J. (as long as he gets hugs and preferred food) is generally pretty stable. Well actually, he has his days too.  BUT to this point they have been kind to me and have TAKEN TURNS with their bad days/weeks.  Nope, not this week.  They are both pissed on the regular and don't seem to care who knows it.

What's super fun is when they cry our younger dog Aiden cries too, so (too many!) times this week they have been a wailing trio:(.   I have said it before and I will say it again, toddler teachers at day cares and preschools must be saints because I can not IMAGINE what this would be like times like 6!

My latest read has been the The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.  The section I found most fascinating explained:

Imagine that your brain is a house, with both a downstairs and an upstairs. The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain, from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose. Scientists talk about these lower areas as being more primitive because they are responsible for basic functions (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight and flight), and for strong emotions (like anger and fear).

Your upstairs brain is completely different. It’s made up of the cerebral cortex and its various parts—particularly the ones directly behind your forehead, including what’s called the middle prefrontal cortex. Unlike your more basic downstairs brain, the upstairs brain is more evolved and can give you a fuller perspective on your world.  This is where more intricate mental processes take place, like thinking, imagining, and planning.

Whereas the downstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highly sophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking. Because of its sophistication and complexity, it is responsible for producing many of the characteristics we hope to see in our kids:  Sound decision making and planning  Control over emotions and body  Self-understanding  Empathy  Morality

Just imagine the downstairs of a house that is complete and fully furnished, but when you look up at the second floor, you see that it is unfinished and littered with construction tools. You can even see patches of the sky where the roof hasn’t been completed yet. That’s your child’s upstairs brain—a work in progress.

The problem, though, is that especially in children, the amygdala frequently fires up and blocks the stairway connecting the upstairs and downstairs brain. It’s as if a baby gate has been latched at the bottom of the stairs, making the upstairs brain inaccessible. This of course further compounds the other problem we just discussed: not only is the upstairs brain under construction, but even the part of it that can function becomes inaccessible during moments of high emotion or stress.


Think about what this information means, practically, as we raise kids who don’t have constant access to their upstairs brain. It’s unrealistic to expect them always to be rational, regulate their emotions, make good decisions, think before acting, and be empathetic—all of the things a developed upstairs brain helps them do.

That all makes PERFECT SENSE!  BUT while it's helpful to understand WHY they are acting this way HOW do I stop it from busting my ear drum?!?!  They did provide 5 different strategies that, over time, will help.  Just hoping we all live long enough to find out:/...

Oh, Crap

When Isabella turned two the questions about potty training started rolling in.  At that point I was neck deep in dissertation stuff so I just replied with a "We are in no rush".  It wasn't until we went to the beach that I actually had a chance to breath and start looking into it.  I mean, clearly I had a vague idea as to how it worked.  BUT after attempting to help train Andi last year I was not looking forward to the process and wanted to go at it with a more concrete plan of action (shocking I know).

I read two different books on the topic.  One was a very gentle approach which included a lot of information about physiology which was actually super informative.  The other was a much more direct approach (often referred to as the "Oh, Crap" method).  Normally I would have tried a hybrid of the two; however, there was a part of the direct approach that struck me to my core.  It spoke of how an optimal time to potty train is between 24-30 months as, for many, they are physically ready and have not yet hit their peak of obstinance.  Well dang, my kid and her obstinance were already making me feel like banging my head against the wall.  So that was enough to move my time table up from "some time before she is 3" to this summer.

We cleared our calendars the last weekend of July to give this our best shot.  Girlfriend was naked all day Saturday and as the day went on she seemed to start getting the hang of it.  By Sunday after nap we were ready to try adding some clothes to the mix.  Feeling pretty good about things overall.  Then came Monday and the s*&! hit the fan, both literally and figuratively.

You see cognitively and physically Isabella was ready to potty train, but once the initial appeal wore off she was clearly (and vocally!) in camp "No Potty!".  In fact "No potty!" was her battle cry for a full hour on Monday as she proceeded to cry, scream, and kick her little potty when I told her we had to sit on the potty before going to the pool.  While there are those that would have said give it up, she's just not ready, I felt like if I let it go now it will be even MORE of a battle down the road.  And to some degree I turned out to be right.   After that hour she did sit on the potty and the next day the no potty tirade only lasted 30 minutes:/.  By Tuesday she was also fully boycotting the little potty and would only use the big potty with the potty seat.  Wednesday came and after two back to back accidents I was ready to throw in the towel and, in fact, set a deadline of next Friday to hit the pause button if things didn't improve.

BUT it was like she read my mind and by Wednesday afternoon things started to turn around!  There are still, and I'm assuming, will continue to be accidents for a while.  BUT I do think she is getting it! 

Who Am I?

This is the question I feel I need to answer before anything else moving forward into the unknown that is my future.

To this point I have devoted the bulk of my life to accomplishments.  As a result I have a list of things I have done and roles I have fulfilled, but don't really know who I am.

The good news is the question of Who I Am? is like the riddle of the ages as there is apparently no consensus among the many brilliant and varied people who have tried to define identity.  This great little video serves as a summation as to why this question continues to go unanswered:  https://ed.ted.com/lessons/who-am-i-a-philosophical-inquiry-amy-adkins#review

What strikes me is that much of who I am in Christ speaks to Christ and what He has done for me and what I am as a result of Him, but there isn't much that speaks actively to what He wants from me.

Now I know the "right" answer is He wants my love, faith and obedience, but I'm not going to lie.  I struggle to know how to make that something I DO all day, everyday.  I don't know how to determine what I am supposed to be doing next as a result of these.  I find myself saying "Lord, Lead" sometimes dozens of times a day, and believe He is; however...having spend nearly four decades looking ahead I'm not sure how to live beyond the moment now that I have more firmly placed Christ in the drivers seat:/.

Fortunately from the list of things that God says I am, there are four things I see as actionable:

• I am a child of God.
• I am a branch of the true vine, and a conduit of Christ’s life.
• I have been called to be a saint.
• I am God’s workmanship created to produce good works.

While the answer to "Who Am I?" in Christ never changes, what I may really be seeking is "What do I do Now?".  Again, while I suspect this will always change (be it year to year, day to day or even second to second!) have a stronger foundation in making decisions rooted in Who I am in Christ may be the answer to what I am seeking.  So for now I am seeking more clarity on these four items.

July=Sleep Regression

This seems to be an equation Isabella had in her head from the beginning. 

I'm still standing (well sitting/laying) guard at her door until she falls asleep.  Which honestly could be worse as she does lay in her bed without complaint until she passes out and all I have to do is close the door. 

BUT

We have now added a middle of the night wake up AND a 4:30/5:00 request for "Mommy sit at door!".

I finally broke down and bought a fold up mattress so I can at least be comfortable while I "camp out". 

I try to "lean in" during these times because I feel like there must be a reason she is doing (needs?) this.  BUT she does not sleep as well this was, doesn't get enough sleep overall, and therefore is not fun for anyone (including herself!).

Soooo I suspect I can predict the ending to this chapter as each of the others have in the past with some good old fashioned CIO:(.

Now how do I replace July=Sleep Regression with a new equation that works better for everyone?!?!