Heightened Anxiety (Part 1)

This sleep regression may just kill me.

O.k. that may be a bit dramatic, but it is definitely a struggle.

I guess I should look at it like this.  I have been fortunate to be pretty much a great sleeper and have slept 7-8 hours a night for most of the last three plus decades.  What's a few months of sleep deprivation torture, right?!?!   Turns out it is pretty torturous!

It also seems to feed my anxiety.  I have heart palpitations, auditory "hallucinations"  (I can hear her crying even when she's not), and even when she is sleeping I often can't because I am stressing about when she will wake up next.  THIS. HAS.TO.STOP!

I don't feel like talking more either via the counselor or the support group will add any additional help though I will continue to use the support group.  I need some real, concrete things I can be doing to...I don't know...reprogram my current thinking.  This may turn out to be one of the few times my need to control may come in handy:).

I am praying A LOT and know that my weakness provides an avenue for God's strength, BUT I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING.

I am listening to podcasts about anxiety and have found some interesting information, which I am going to process here.

Reliever 1-  God is sovereign
Reliever 2-  truth in the word.  Focus not on "what if", but rather "what is"--"the thoughts of what if overshadow the reality of what is."
Reliever 3-  focus on eternity rather than the albeit important blip of our life (perspective)


What am I anxious about?  Failing?  Fear of being wrong?  Why don't I ask God before making these decisions?  Do I just assume He will tell me if I am wrong?  Probably!

"When the foundation of your life and personality - how you feel about yourself- is shaky, your world view and thought life are shaky" -THIS!!!


"Anxiety is an issue rooted in our belief system. We are anxious when what we put our faith in is something other than God." --I am trying to put faith solely in myself and my ability and the need for contentment with all facets of my life.

Am I using our adoption agency as a scapegoat for my anger?  (This is one of the tangents my brain goes on at night when I'm awake).  If so what am I truly angry about?  Lack of control?  Fear? I think I am angry about having anxiety!


"It’s no secret that when our minds feel out of control we try to control our environment … both our physical surroundings and the people around us"  "I became immediately obsessed with time … what time, to the minute (and how many ounces, to the drop), did my son eat, have his diaper changed, etc. And, if the feedings were off, I would get wacky, anxious"  Umm, did I say this, get recorded and forget?  Oh, wait I have a daughter, but it's crazy to think someone out there is exactly like me...poor woman!

"Our thoughts are so powerful they want them to be true...we want them to be true.  We believe they already are. We believe we are just making observations.  When most of what we are doing is thinking.  Worry doesn't protect us from what we fear. " I suspect the same is true of anger as it simply serves as a distraction for the worry.


"Hard to hear wisdom and answer to prayer during anxious times as these come through in times of peace."  SO TRUE!

"We live out the stories we believe about ourselves."

"Use mindfulness to make a choice...avoid the habit of falling into trigger based thinking".  Sooo easy to do when you are so exhausted you can't think straight!

"Everything is impermanent...nothing is permanent...there is always transition."  I feel like I am living out one of the biggest transitions of my life right now.

"By expecting there to be no problems we are setting ourself up to fail...there are always problems."  Sigh...so true...

So much wisdom...now what to do about it?!?!

Walking Therapy

Pretty much since the day after Isabella came home from the hospital we begin our day with a walk. 

At first while I was recovering the walk was very short.  Basically across the street to the community pool house and back.  Then we were able to extend it past the pool house to the cul-de-sac behind the pool.  Our daily walks then doubled to two- a walk upon waking up and a walk as a part of wind down for bedtime.   In the beginning, without vaccinations, it was our only safe escape from home.  Our morning walk now stretches for miles.

Isabella likes our walks.  Even on her fussiest days once we are out in the warm sunshine and she feels the vibration of the stroller on the pavement, she immediately relaxes.  Like her mama, heat is soothing...being outside is soothing. 

Our walks also allow me to be a part of the world after a long night of being alone with a tiny, fussy creature who I am still figuring out and who is still figuring out the world herself.  We pass people and cars that remind me that the world still spins much the same as it did before my world got turned upside down (joyfully turned upside down but still very different from the life I knew).

Meditation, prayer, music and podcasts also sooth my exhausted soul on our walks.  Sometimes we walk with friends be it on a greenway or in a mall.  We walk with other mamas, both new like me, or experienced mamas with new tiny babies.  These walks and talks are also very soothing for my soul.

Fortunately we have not had much rain and even when it is misting, I put on my rain coat and enclose Isabella in her stroller so she stays dry and we trek out anyway.

I need these walks.  They are my free, daily therapy. 

Sleep Regression

Over the past two weeks Isabella has been teasing me.  She would fall asleep and sleep a good 5-6 (even once a seven!) hour stretch, wake up for about an hour and then sleep for another 3 hours or so.  I was so excited.  "This is it", I foolishly thought to myself, "she is creeping her way toward sleeping through the night like those magical babies I hear about!"  Sure she had an off night here or there, but never two nights in a row.

Silly, silly me.

I am now typing bleary eyed as we have now suffered through not one, not two, but three disruptive nights of sleep.  We have had a 3-4ish hour stretch followed by 1-2 hour stretches:(.  No rhyme, no reason, just cause I guess.

J.T. is going to put her to bed tonight so I can try to go to bed at 7 and hopefully get at least 5-6 hours in a stretch.

With the decrease in sleep I am feeling an increase in my anxiety level which makes it impossible to nap during the day and more challenging to fall asleep at night even though I am beyond tired.

Such cruel irony!

Taking Some Time Off

No, not from motherhood rather from my obsessive data tracking.  Since Isabella was born I have tracked every ounce consumed and every diaper change.  I began tracking her sleep in May. 

Data tracking served me well in education.   It has been helpful to have actual information to share with the doctor, BUT as previously mentioned I am a bit obsessive about it.  Time to take a break.

A break like this would be nice...

Not Alone

I know that PPD and PPA exist and I know OF people who have been diagnosed, but in real life I am the only person I know who currently/recently have been dealing with this.  The counselor I met with mentioned a support group and I figured "Why not?", so Isabella and I went and checked it out today. 

There was only one other mom there, but it was nice having someone to talk to who was coping with some of the same feelings.  Her little guy was born at the end of October, but continues to struggle with sleep so I could definitely relate!  She said some meetings have more people in attendance than others so I am hoping today was just on the low side.  We exchanged info and plan to go walking soon, so I'm glad I went.

Happy 4th of July

Weird

Yesterday was the last day of my contract as principal of an elementary school.  For the first time in my adult life I am officially not employed anywhere.

I have received some sort of a paycheck since I was 14 years old.  Even though I intend to earn an income in the coming months I will be self-employed.  No supervisor.  No co-workers.  No formal paycheck.  Weird.

I think what also makes it strange is that my last official day at work was not meant to be.  It was the Friday before spring break and I fully expected to come back for at least a few days after that break. So it's kind of like I got cut off mid-sentence.  I did take Isabella to school on field day and got to see everyone, but it was a quick spin around campus and it certainly wasn't work.

What's even more weird is that the back to school ads are bound to start any day now (I mean it IS July so why wouldn't they), and I will not be having a first day of school.  I mean I will start my classes again so I guess that counts but for the last 16 years (and for most of the last 30+ years) I have had a first day of school in the K-12 world and this year I will not.  Weird.

And the adjustment period continues...