Melt Downs for Everyone!

You get a meltdown! And you get a meltdown!  And you get a meltdown!  Ugh, this is such a sad place these days.

Isabella's emotions are strong, but her buddy A.J. (as long as he gets hugs and preferred food) is generally pretty stable. Well actually, he has his days too.  BUT to this point they have been kind to me and have TAKEN TURNS with their bad days/weeks.  Nope, not this week.  They are both pissed on the regular and don't seem to care who knows it.

What's super fun is when they cry our younger dog Aiden cries too, so (too many!) times this week they have been a wailing trio:(.   I have said it before and I will say it again, toddler teachers at day cares and preschools must be saints because I can not IMAGINE what this would be like times like 6!

My latest read has been the The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.  The section I found most fascinating explained:

Imagine that your brain is a house, with both a downstairs and an upstairs. The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain, from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose. Scientists talk about these lower areas as being more primitive because they are responsible for basic functions (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight and flight), and for strong emotions (like anger and fear).

Your upstairs brain is completely different. It’s made up of the cerebral cortex and its various parts—particularly the ones directly behind your forehead, including what’s called the middle prefrontal cortex. Unlike your more basic downstairs brain, the upstairs brain is more evolved and can give you a fuller perspective on your world.  This is where more intricate mental processes take place, like thinking, imagining, and planning.

Whereas the downstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highly sophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking. Because of its sophistication and complexity, it is responsible for producing many of the characteristics we hope to see in our kids:  Sound decision making and planning  Control over emotions and body  Self-understanding  Empathy  Morality

Just imagine the downstairs of a house that is complete and fully furnished, but when you look up at the second floor, you see that it is unfinished and littered with construction tools. You can even see patches of the sky where the roof hasn’t been completed yet. That’s your child’s upstairs brain—a work in progress.

The problem, though, is that especially in children, the amygdala frequently fires up and blocks the stairway connecting the upstairs and downstairs brain. It’s as if a baby gate has been latched at the bottom of the stairs, making the upstairs brain inaccessible. This of course further compounds the other problem we just discussed: not only is the upstairs brain under construction, but even the part of it that can function becomes inaccessible during moments of high emotion or stress.


Think about what this information means, practically, as we raise kids who don’t have constant access to their upstairs brain. It’s unrealistic to expect them always to be rational, regulate their emotions, make good decisions, think before acting, and be empathetic—all of the things a developed upstairs brain helps them do.

That all makes PERFECT SENSE!  BUT while it's helpful to understand WHY they are acting this way HOW do I stop it from busting my ear drum?!?!  They did provide 5 different strategies that, over time, will help.  Just hoping we all live long enough to find out:/...

Oh, Crap

When Isabella turned two the questions about potty training started rolling in.  At that point I was neck deep in dissertation stuff so I just replied with a "We are in no rush".  It wasn't until we went to the beach that I actually had a chance to breath and start looking into it.  I mean, clearly I had a vague idea as to how it worked.  BUT after attempting to help train Andi last year I was not looking forward to the process and wanted to go at it with a more concrete plan of action (shocking I know).

I read two different books on the topic.  One was a very gentle approach which included a lot of information about physiology which was actually super informative.  The other was a much more direct approach (often referred to as the "Oh, Crap" method).  Normally I would have tried a hybrid of the two; however, there was a part of the direct approach that struck me to my core.  It spoke of how an optimal time to potty train is between 24-30 months as, for many, they are physically ready and have not yet hit their peak of obstinance.  Well dang, my kid and her obstinance were already making me feel like banging my head against the wall.  So that was enough to move my time table up from "some time before she is 3" to this summer.

We cleared our calendars the last weekend of July to give this our best shot.  Girlfriend was naked all day Saturday and as the day went on she seemed to start getting the hang of it.  By Sunday after nap we were ready to try adding some clothes to the mix.  Feeling pretty good about things overall.  Then came Monday and the s*&! hit the fan, both literally and figuratively.

You see cognitively and physically Isabella was ready to potty train, but once the initial appeal wore off she was clearly (and vocally!) in camp "No Potty!".  In fact "No potty!" was her battle cry for a full hour on Monday as she proceeded to cry, scream, and kick her little potty when I told her we had to sit on the potty before going to the pool.  While there are those that would have said give it up, she's just not ready, I felt like if I let it go now it will be even MORE of a battle down the road.  And to some degree I turned out to be right.   After that hour she did sit on the potty and the next day the no potty tirade only lasted 30 minutes:/.  By Tuesday she was also fully boycotting the little potty and would only use the big potty with the potty seat.  Wednesday came and after two back to back accidents I was ready to throw in the towel and, in fact, set a deadline of next Friday to hit the pause button if things didn't improve.

BUT it was like she read my mind and by Wednesday afternoon things started to turn around!  There are still, and I'm assuming, will continue to be accidents for a while.  BUT I do think she is getting it! 

Who Am I?

This is the question I feel I need to answer before anything else moving forward into the unknown that is my future.

To this point I have devoted the bulk of my life to accomplishments.  As a result I have a list of things I have done and roles I have fulfilled, but don't really know who I am.

The good news is the question of Who I Am? is like the riddle of the ages as there is apparently no consensus among the many brilliant and varied people who have tried to define identity.  This great little video serves as a summation as to why this question continues to go unanswered:  https://ed.ted.com/lessons/who-am-i-a-philosophical-inquiry-amy-adkins#review

What strikes me is that much of who I am in Christ speaks to Christ and what He has done for me and what I am as a result of Him, but there isn't much that speaks actively to what He wants from me.

Now I know the "right" answer is He wants my love, faith and obedience, but I'm not going to lie.  I struggle to know how to make that something I DO all day, everyday.  I don't know how to determine what I am supposed to be doing next as a result of these.  I find myself saying "Lord, Lead" sometimes dozens of times a day, and believe He is; however...having spend nearly four decades looking ahead I'm not sure how to live beyond the moment now that I have more firmly placed Christ in the drivers seat:/.

Fortunately from the list of things that God says I am, there are four things I see as actionable:

• I am a child of God.
• I am a branch of the true vine, and a conduit of Christ’s life.
• I have been called to be a saint.
• I am God’s workmanship created to produce good works.

While the answer to "Who Am I?" in Christ never changes, what I may really be seeking is "What do I do Now?".  Again, while I suspect this will always change (be it year to year, day to day or even second to second!) have a stronger foundation in making decisions rooted in Who I am in Christ may be the answer to what I am seeking.  So for now I am seeking more clarity on these four items.

July=Sleep Regression

This seems to be an equation Isabella had in her head from the beginning. 

I'm still standing (well sitting/laying) guard at her door until she falls asleep.  Which honestly could be worse as she does lay in her bed without complaint until she passes out and all I have to do is close the door. 

BUT

We have now added a middle of the night wake up AND a 4:30/5:00 request for "Mommy sit at door!".

I finally broke down and bought a fold up mattress so I can at least be comfortable while I "camp out". 

I try to "lean in" during these times because I feel like there must be a reason she is doing (needs?) this.  BUT she does not sleep as well this was, doesn't get enough sleep overall, and therefore is not fun for anyone (including herself!).

Soooo I suspect I can predict the ending to this chapter as each of the others have in the past with some good old fashioned CIO:(.

Now how do I replace July=Sleep Regression with a new equation that works better for everyone?!?!

The Spirited Child

Yet another book I wish had existed earlier in my teaching career.  Fortunately it came out in time to help with my own kiddo:).

Between teaching school aged students and now spending my days with littles, I have read a lot of books relating to childhood behavior.  This book helped me close the gap in my knowledge between your average by the book child and a child with diagnosable needs.  In a nutshell:

Each spirited child is unique, yet there exist distinct characteristics in which more is very apparent. Not every spirited child will possess all of the following five characteristics, but each will exhibit enough of them to make her stand out in the crowd.

These are the ones that speak most to my sweet (and at times spicy/salty) girl:

1. INTENSITY: The loud, dramatic spirited children are the easiest to spot. They don’t cry; they shriek. They’re noisy when they play, when they laugh, and even when they take a shower, singing at the top of their lungs while the hot-water tank empties. No matter where their intensity is focused, the reactions of spirited children are always powerful. There is rarely a middle of the road. They never whimper; they wail. They can skip into a room, smiling and laughing, only to depart thirty seconds later inflamed. Their tantrums are raw and enduring.  Check!
2. PERSISTENCE: If an idea or an activity is important to them, spirited children can “lock” right in. They are committed to their task, goal-oriented, and are unwilling to give up. Getting them to change their minds is a major undertaking. They love to debate and are not afraid to assert themselves.  Yup!
3. PERCEPTIVENESS: Send them to their room to get dressed and they’ll never make it. Something along the way—perhaps a flash of light at the window—will catch their attention as they walk by, and they’ll forget about getting dressed. It can take ten minutes to get them from the house to the car. They notice everything—the latest oil spill, the white feather in the bird’s nest, and the dew in the spiderweb. They are often accused of not listening.  For sure!

Many, but not all, possess four additional “bonus” characteristics: aspects of their personality that can make being their parent even more challenging.  

Fortunately Isabella only possesses one of these, but it is a doozy:

ENERGY: The tales of spirited kids I hear from parents are truly amazing, like that of the two-week-old baby who “crawled” the entire length of a queen-size bed and was about to land on the floor when his father found him. Or the toddler who opened the oven door and used it to crawl onto the counter and from there to the top of the refrigerator.  Not all spirited kids are climbers and leapers. But they do tend to be busy—fidgeting, taking things apart, exploring, and creating projects—from the time they wake up until they finally fall asleep. Although sometimes viewed as “wild,” their energy is usually focused and has a purpose.  We have many pictures/videos to prove it!

The good news for us was that Isabella tends to flutter on the low end of the spirited scale (just a notch above just a spunky, sassy little thing), but it has been beyond helpful to understand a little more fully who we are potentially dealing with.  She is for sure very young, but these components of who she is have been in place almost since day one.  The likelihood of her "growing out of them" are not the best, so I guess it's better to be over-prepared than underprepared.

Now What?

For three decades I have very deliberately planned next steps and put all of my time, energy, and mental capacity into these plans and bringing them to fruition.  I have two items left on my doctoral to-do list (having a dissertation formatting meeting with the grad school and submitting it to ProQuest for publishing).  Once those are done I am officially completed with this milestone. 

Technically speaking I have not been employed since June of 2017.  While I can say I have been self-employed as a caregiver and have been a student, those things are not the same as holding a job in my mind.  Prior to June of 2017 I had been continuously employed for 26 years.  None of those jobs have ever been a traditional 9-5, but for each of them I had to apply, interview and report to some version of a supervisor.  At first my new "work" status after Isabella was born was disconcerting and I struggled.  Part of the struggle was being the primary parent to a challenging baby on top of being self employed as a caregiver and student, but in hindsight I think part of the struggle came from being completely on my own.  There is freedom in that for sure, but with great freedom comes great responsibility.  That responsibility was the most overwhelming I had experienced to date.

Over the last year; however, I feel I have hit my stride to some extent.  I have shown I am self-motivated and self-directed.  Also, with God's guidance, I have increasingly tried to look at  "the big picture" attempting to make decisions based on values of peace and contentment rather than ambition and success.  It is a blessing and by God's grace alone that I am in a position to re-enter the workforce in a manner that helps provide homeostasis for myself and my family. 

That said it is also a daunting task as there is not a clear cut next step.  I am seeking God's guidance to start down a brand new professional path that allows me to use my skills and education in a way that brings glory to God while at the same time provides an income that gradually increases to match the output of education and money spent on said education AND allows there to continued to be peace in my relationships and home.  No SMALL FEAT for sure, but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.  So let's see where I'm at and where I need to go from here.

My child care business is not where I envisioned it going, but it has evolved into what works best for myself and my family.  I am paid to be able to consistently provide a playmate for my only child while at the same time provide stability and routine to a little guy who needs it, but doesn't always have it outside of my care.  It is my hope to continue to provide AJ care and, with his parents blessing of course, to include him in any supplemental care I may need for Isabella along with the way.   However, with this evolution has come a decrease in financial contribution.  This will continue to be the case as the amount of preschool the kids attend (and/or the amount of supplemental care) increases.  As a result, I don't think it is fair to say I am a childcare provider any longer (except of course for tax purposes and to explain why I have two kids 40 hours a week:).

When I began this doctoral journey I think my concrete goal aligned with my prior experience.  I would graduate and at some point depending on the needs of my child obtain a tenure track position at a university.  Well a couple of things have changed along the way.  First, I have learned that the road to tenure, much like the work in K-5 education, is stacked against the employee.  The expectations are too high, the work load is unreasonable and the potential to balance work and life beyond work well is bleak.  It also requires flexibility of location which at this point I have none.  As a result, tenure track is something that I may pursue when Isabella is (much) older or J.T. finds himself in a season of life where he could be a traveling spouse, but for the foreseeable future is not a viable option.

All of that said, I now have a doctorate and to ensure my time and our money has not been wasted I need to find a way to put it to good use.

As a result, I need a plan B.  I still would like to teach college.  Since I am not interested in tenure track at the moment adjunct work seems to be the best option at this point.  That said, I am graduating in August so while I will do my best at this late stage the likelihood of obtaining a position for the fall is bleak.  However, it will not stop me from trying so the step one is to develop a game plan for applying for current and future openings.

Another idea began to percolate over the last year.  While my dissertation is not my pride and joy by a long shot, I set a timeline, developed a game plan and completed a passable work with virtually no oversight (or guidance unfortunately).   Therefore, it is possible that writing (and maybe even providing PD based upon the books I theoretically write) may be another possible option I had not ever previously considered. 

SO the question on every one's mind (well maybe not everyone's mind, but MY mind) is:

Where do I begin?!?!

Terrible 2s

I have said all along that I don't want Isabella to bottle her feelings up like I do.  I sincerely want her to feel her feelings.  That said why can't she feel them more quietly and less dramatically!

She is the kid that squeals with delight and belly laughs when she feels joy.

She is ALSO the kid that cries and carries on (for what feels like HOURS) when she feels, you know, less joyful.

The lack of rhyme and reason, plus spending all this time in the deep end of emotion is a LOT for this right-brained mama to take.

I am re-reading the books I read last year when the little girl I watched went through this phase.  I guess I had hoped being proactive would be helpful.  I guess I thought wrong:(.

I love this girl more than anything, but dang this is hard.