NIAW 2016

Trust

While this may be very true, it is clearly an area in which I am struggling as evidenced by my thoughts, feelings, and blog posts of late. The following are excerpts from Joyce Meyer's "When God's Timing Is Taking Too Long", that I stumbled upon God led me to as I finished up another day saturated in stress, self-pity, and feeling like a prisoner of my circumstances.

"We all want good things to happen in our lives, but too often we want it now...not later. When it doesn't happen that way, we are tempted to ask, "When, God, when?" Most of us need to grow in the area of trusting God instead of focusing on the "when" question. If you're missing joy and peace, you're not trusting God. If your mind feels worn out all the time, you're not trusting God.

If we wait the wrong way, we'll be miserable; but if we decide to wait God's way, we can become patient and enjoy the wait. It takes practice, but as we let God help us in each situation, we develop patience

When God directs our paths, He sometimes leads us in ways that don't make sense to us so we're not always going to understand everything. If we try to reason out everything, we will experience struggle, confusion and misery—but there is a better way. Proverbs 3:5-6says, Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

First Peter 5:5 tells us that ...God sets Himself against the proud (the insolent, the overbearing, the disdainful, the presumptuous, the boastful)—[and He opposes, frustrates, and defeats them], but gives grace (favor, blessing) to the humble."

--

Nice of her to write this article for me as I believe we have boiled down to the root of my troubles of late:  

Sadly my answer clearly has been no:(.  

Stuck, stuck, stuck!

Ugh!!!!!  It has been a crappy week and half at work.  I understand that it is not my job to make people happy, but sometimes I really struggle with situations where I am inevitably going to piss somebody off.  I try my best to make sure my decisions are in the child's best interest, well thought out, and discuss with someone else to ensure I am not missing someone; however, in some situations someone is bound to disagree (sometimes quite adamantly).  This is where putting your heart and soul into your job can put you at a real disadvantage as it is so emotionally draining to go through these processes and even when they're done I still end up feeling like crap.  I do not want to do this anymore, but do not feel like I have another viable option for next year especially if the need arises to take FMLA (God willing and fingers crossed).  So I am stuck.

The church secretary and I finally connected to set up a time to meet with the pastor.  He is available either this Thursday or May 17.  J.T. cannot get out of work this Thursday, so May 17 it is.  I respect JTs decision to discuss our decision with our pastor to help ensure we have thought everything through, but dang that adds another month of waiting before we start either process!  Same old, same old on the Adoption front as well.  So I am stuck here too.

I am a forward thinking, keep on moving on type of gal and these two completely stagnant all consuming facets of my life are frustrating the ever living life out of me!!!!!!

I know that I cannot control my circumstances.  I can only change my reactions, but damn I am tired of feeling like the only other options I have to choose from are worse!  On the job front I could just quit and wait tables or take whatever comes along, but financially that would be stupid.  Or I could hire myself for one of the teaching positions I have available ( I would be my top contender:)); however, the awkwardness of stepping into a classroom after being principal at the same school would be way stressful in its own way.  So I would be trading stressors for less pay.  That seems like a dumb option.  As far as starting a family we could steal a baby, I guess as that is the only option we haven't really considered that would be within our budget.  Ugh so ready for this dark cloud to find a new place to live:(.

Funny-Not Funny

I had my annual exam today at the gyno.  We discussed multiple things including my restarting birth control pills.  Since my own eggs and ability to ovulate are useless (in fact inconvenient) for what lies ahead, I figure I can at least have clear skin and pain free (low pain) cycles again.

As we were wrapping up, she made a comment about hoping to see me soon or something along those lines and I was honestly stumped.  Why? You're the doctor I only come to see once a year (or once every two years) and really serve no purpose in my life other than I come when I start to feel guilty that my incompetent reproductive system is going to find another way to wreck my life if I don't get a routine exam.

 I awkwardly searched for clarification as our RE would handle the DE cycle or monitoring for embryo adoption.  She paused and then slowly, but kindly explained that I would then come back to her for ultrasounds and other pregnancy related needs.  I sat there stunned for a moment and then got a lump in my throat and tears filled my eyes.

We have spent almost 6 years so focused on HOW we would have a  child, that I have not had much time to ponder what it would be like to be WITH child.  I mean sure I have spent plenty of time daydreaming what it will be like when we are a family of 3 (or 4!), but I have spent almost no time considering what it would actually be like to BE PREGNANT.

I mean of course I know that she is an OBGYN; however, the OB component has kind of felt like a club in which I am not allowed to participate so I guess I just blocked it out.  Yet another way IF changes your way of thinking.

Truth!

A Week to Wallow

For the past week I have allowed myself to wallow in my current state of sadness.  I listened to sad songs.  I read books that did not end happily ever after for all.  I watched The Diary of Anne Frank.  I just gave myself permission to feel sad for where I am/we are at right now.

Wallowing is a new concept for me.  I remember when my high school boyfriend of two years broke up with me seemingly out of the blue when I was a senior.   I gave myself to permission to wallow for the weekend, but by Monday felt it was time to move past it.  That was they last time I remember giving myself permission to feel sadness without feeling guilty or feeling like I had to push it down until now.

I wish I was a better crier.  Similar to sadness when I feel myself start to tear up I generally try to stop the tears before they begin to flow.  Sometimes it's out of practicality--I'm driving my car.  Sometimes it's out of convenience--I don't want to have to explain why I am crying to those around me.  Sometimes I think it is out of sheer habit.

So while there wasn't much by way of tears this week, I did spend time allowing myself to feel how I felt.  I can begin to feel myself turning a corner towards peace which will hopefully lead to contentment once again.  I am hoping that because I am allowing myself to progress naturally instead of forcing myself that peace and contentment will be where I get to stay for a while.

Eating My Feelings

and phish food ice cream shaped, and chocolate shaped, and chip shaped and...

Growing up I was an emotional eater.  That wasn't a phrase in the 90's, but looking back that's what I was doing.  In my 20's and 30's I got a much better handle on stress eating and binging (notice I said much better and not stopped). 

However, there are times like these when the appeal to eat what I want (mostly junk food and food that I don't have to prepare myself), when I want it is VERY strong.  My weight is starting to creep back up and I start the day motivated to fight back and by mid day, after school most of that motivation is zapped.  Coupled with the fact my desire to run is equally waning, I am seeing deja vu in my future!  I know that I am not overweight, but this bouncing around of 5, 10, 15, 20 extra pounds is not good for me either.

I think the biggest draw is that the things I want the most (children and a less stressful job) are out of my control.  Adoption land continues to be a desert and J.T. has had some health things come up that has delayed the donor egg vs. embryo adoption decision.  It looks like I will be right back in this same position at work next year where I spend the bulk of my time problem solving and dealing with concerns which are often beyond my personal control.

So by eating my feelings be them anger, stress or my current favorite-sadness I am conveniently and easily able to make myself happy even if it just for the time it takes me to consume whatever unhealthy treat I've fixed my sights on.

Part of my brain knows that this kind of eating is not the answer.  The other part doesn't care and just says "feed me!" it will take away the stressful parent meeting, discipline cases, and cranky teachers you dealt with in the last 24 hours.  I won the battle tonight by cooking a mostly healthy dinner.  However, there is a half pint of Phish food ice cream calling my name after dinner.  So the winner of this war is like so many facets of my life-TBD.  

I've run out of words, but these seem about right...

Trapped

So in my last post I spoke a lot about changes that may be on the horizon for us and mentioned that everything could also remain the same and that I would be content with that.  Even as I typed it I wondered if that was true, but convinced myself that it was so I left it--liar.

I found out yesterday that I did not get the Grad Assist position that was available, which over the last 12 hours or so has snowballed into me realizing that I/we could be in this exact same place a year from now--same job...no kids...still paddling upstream for something different and one word keeps echoing through my brain--trapped.

Maybe God does not want us to be parents.  There I've said it.  It has popped into my brain once or twice over the years, but in the last few weeks I have really begun to contemplate that in my turning everything over to Him that this might be what He wants.  Just seeing those words in type guts me.  It makes me feel punished.  It makes me feel like He doesn't love us.  In His own word He expects us to be fruitful and multiply, but our (my) time had passed before we got our sh-- together, so maybe our free will interfered with His plans for us (I've never quite understood the balance in the two) and as such His revised plan for us no longer includes children or maybe it never did.  Maybe our desire to become parents is not one He placed on our hearts, but rather an earthly desire we developed through our individual circumstances--trapped with unrealistic expectations.

Maybe instead of praying so adamantly for what WE want we should be praying more forcefully for what God wants for our lives.  However that feels like giving up and is the loss of Hope which is also something God tells us to keep alive.  So I am back to trying to do the RIGHT thing, but have NO idea what that is--this journey is exhausting and I do not know how much I have left in me to give.  J.T. had been rallying for us for a while, but he too seems to have hit a roadblock-not knowing which choice to make regarding our next steps via IVF (Donor Egg or Embryo Adoption) and is currently lacking in fighting spirit--trapped in fear of making the wrong decision.

The image below is the perfect illustration for my current mental/emotional state and we are definitely in one of those valleys.


My hope is that it is the one with rain clouds and that as we climb out of it we are either parents or God has removed the desire to be parents from our hearts (the thought of which currently breaks my heart).    We have been on this course for almost 6 years now and obscenely large number even in the IF community.  We personally know people who got married when we did have had two children (and are probably gearing up for their third).  Most IF and adoption bloggers starting trying after we did and already have a child trying to figure out a game plan for #2.  Here we are still chugging along trying to pick up pieces fit together to have our first--trapped in the status quo. 

However, every time I think we have to be nearing the finish I am proved time and again that I am wrong.  So once again I find myself in this never ending purgatory-trapped.