Final Post

Six years ago today:

•  I was utterly lost having already endured three years of infertility with no end in sight.
•  I reached out to share our continuing journey through the mud and mire that is infertility.
• All that seemed to lay before me was a horrible, vast unknown.

Six years later:

• I am found.
• We have ridden the storm of infertility and, while there continues to be scars. those scars have (mostly) healed and serve as a reminder of where we have been and WHO got us through it.
• There is still a vast unknown that lays before me, but this time knowing that God has plans for me that will not fail and will lead me to prosper I live in hope rather than fear.

I have always appreciated a good story.  To me a good story contains a beginning, middle, and an end.  It has always been much preferred that the end be happy or at the very least serve as a beacon of hope.

While this blog does not encapsulate my whole life's story, it does tell the whole story of...

• how I truly came to know God.
• how I became a mother.
• how I learned and continue to learn each and every day how to parent this amazing, remarkable gift from God that is my daughter.

You might say this last part is what helps this story have its happy ending.  However, seeing as this story is one for whom God is the real author not only does it end happily, but it also ends with a beacon of hope as I move forward continuing to find my place in God's story.

But that friends is a story for another time and another place.

Follow the Arrows

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I've tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

These words, written by Lauren Daigle, have become my theme song.  While I believe in them with all my heart, it is somewhat of a challenge to live them day in and day out.  You see once upon a time, I fancied myself a bit of an architect.  I would develop a plan, working to make sure each piece was in just the right place, so that ultimately the finished product would be exactly what I wanted and how I had imagined it to be.  My greatest lesson over the last decade is that my imagination is nothing compared to God's and that when I relinquish control to Him and follow His plans that is when I truly get what I want even before realizing it is exactly what I need.  So while I get it, the challenge is real.

Now that the kids are in school, I am devoting that time to my "professional" life.  On their first day I worked on my CV and realized I should probably also update my LinkedIn.  When opened it I saw that my headline and current position was full time student.  Well that wasn't the case any more, but when I went to change it I realized that I had no Earthly idea what to change it to!  I have nothing but respect for stay at home moms, I AM a stay at home mom which is exactly what I feel I am supposed to be doing right now, BUT listing that on LinkedIn did not seem like the thing to do.  So I sat and in that moment I heard the words "educational consultant".  So in addition to foraying into the world of publishing and adjunct "professering", I am also taking steps toward developing an educational consulting endeavor.  

At one time, this would have blown my mind as none of these paths have a clear beginning, middle, and end, but now I am just putting one foot in front of the other and taking each path one step at a time.  It is of no surprise that I ran across a book entitled The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman.  In it she speaks directly to me in that right now my job is to "follow the arrows" God lays out for me.  At this juncture I have no idea what the end game is supposed to be and that is o.k.  

It's funny.  Following the arrows is advice I learned way back when....from Sesame Street!  So I am now living my life day to day under God's guidance and with Lauren Daigle, Bert & Ernie for moral support.  Not a bad team.

An Itsy Bitsy Gift of Life

Today my beautiful daughter is 29 months.  In one short month she will be 2.5.  Wow!

My beautiful daughter is many things...

She is funny.  Recently she said two hilarious things (which I think she may have swiped from the Bubble Guppies), but her context and timing were spot on:

(A few leaves fall off of a tree while Iz and I walk.)
Me: The leaves will start to fall off of the trees this time of year.
Iz: Watch out!

Walking through concord mills mall past a Halloween shop.
Isabella: Spooky consumes
Me: Yes, those are spooky costumes.
Isabella: Let’s get out of here!

She is athletic.  Be it running, kicking, climbing, jumping, throwing, dribbling...this girl has moves.  She also has grace and agility that I could only dream of at her age (well, if I'm being honest at any age!).

She is smart.  She knows her colors.  She knows her shapes.  She is a book worm.  At her request we begin each day and end each day reading books and "Mama, read please" is a constant refrain throughout the day.  She has even begun retelling some of the books by "reading the pictures" (also known as memorizing-I think!).

She is an animal lover.  Be it dogs or cats, ladybugs or spiders, cows or elephants.  She adores them all and declares them "Soooo cute" on the regular.  Her animals (plastic, stuffed, and real) and play sets are by far her most treasured belongings.  She's even added some imaginary ones into the mixed as she currently takes care of invisible chics (and now fish!) almost every day.  They are by far my favorite as we can never lose them and can make them appear at any moment.

She is kind.  The other day A.J. was calling for his mommy.  Isabella went right over to him and said "Mommy's at work.  It's ok buddy."  And patted him on the arm.  She also says "excuse me" when she bumps into inanimate objects (now if I could just get her to say the same things to strangers when she runs into them:).

She is passionate.  She knows what she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it.  I particularly admire it when it's not in direct defiance of what I need for her to do.

She is an amazing amalgamation of two people who met and fell in love and one kind stranger.  Each of us contributed to the attributes listed above as well as the ones that haven't yet emerged.  Without each one of us she wouldn't be Isabella.

One book Isabella requests regularly is a book she calls "The Bunny Book".  The actual title is An Itsy, Bitsy Gift of Life.  It is the story of two rabbits, Comet and Pally, who desperately wanted a baby bunny but couldn't have one on their own because Pally doesn't have any itsy, bitsy seeds left in her tummy.  One day they are surprised by a kind, lady rabbit who shows up at the door who has LOTS of itsy, bitsy seeds (I know, show off, right?;) and wants to give one to them.  They accept and allow Comet and Pally to put his itsy bitsy seed along with her itsy bitsy gift of life into Pally's tummy which results in their beautiful baby Nicasha.

As we continue to read these stories and tell Isabella her story over the years, some day it will click and she will have questions about the kind lady who gave her mommy an itsy bitsy gift of life when she had no eggs left in her tummy.   I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little grim when thinking of this day in the not so distant future, but I know God will give me what I need so I can give Isabella what she needs.  At the end of the day without that specific gift of life, my funny, athletic, smart, kind, passionate, animal loving daughter wouldn't be who she is and that would be more than grim--that would have been a misfortune.  She may be tiny, but this girl is sure to move mountains some day and that I can't wait to see.

First Day of School

While I might not have had a first day of school, but this little girl sure did...

 . "You guys and these signs are hysterical!"

"Let me see if I approve..."

 . "Ok, I'm in!"

She and AJ will go two mornings a week from 8:30-12:30 and I am both relishing the time alone and dreading her being away from me.

If only the church volunteers from last fall could see her now.  Isabella is no longer the poster child for separation anxiety-yahoo!  I give all the credit to Daniel Tiger. 

This summer when we decided to try church again we did three things:
1.  Defined what church was.  Calling it school as it is technically Sunday school and serves as her preschool.
2.  Watched Daniel Tiger's Grown Ups come back episode ANNND bought the book.  Read on repeat.
3.  Visited the classrooms the day before we were going to return to church so she could see it and made the connection to the Grown Ups Come Back song.

That was the missing link.  Ever since whenever J.T. or I are away from her she sings (in a horribly adorable no-key kind of way) "Grooown ups come back".  So that meant the only tears today were mine.  In the car.  Not sad, not happy, just tears:).

As I said, the preschool they will attend is at our church.  I waffled back and forth between this one and another.  Ultimately there were a few reasons that made this the better choice on paper.  Also I have always been impressed with all the programs at our church so I put my faith in them that even though the preschool is only its second year it too would flourish.

After a lackluster first day from a parent perspective we are going with the wait and see approach.  At the end of the day they are absolutely safe and in a stable environment, but things are kind of chaotic at this point and her teachers seemed a bit overwhelmed.  I picked them up smiling, Isabella said she "had fun" and they each had a good report so we shall see what the coming weeks bring:).

1984

Nope, not a George Orwell reference.

Rather 1984 was the last time I didn't personally experience a first day of school.

Until today.

Now I have learned over the last two years that school systems can still survive without me, BUT can I survive without school?

Not a question I had ever considered before.

When I was younger, ok until like 5 minutes ago, I (arrogantly) could not comprehend how people could graduate and not know what they were going to go next.  However, putting everything (and I mean everything) into God's hands has been a game changer.  I am putting one foot in front of the other with a flexible plan.

However, there are times (more and more times now that I am officially graduated) that I think I keep trying to be in charge again.  The tell tale sign?  Anxiety that seems to settle right in the middle of my chest.

When I truly give it to God I feel at peace.  That peace is amazing and something I have never before experienced.  When I do things on God's time and with his guidance tremendous things happen.

Old habits are hard to break.

Guess there's no time better than now.

Family Time

Isabella and I made the great northern trek again.  Ok, it's only 8 hours but when it's just you and a 2 year old it feels like a big, risky expedition!  This time we dragged my mom back with us.  This allowed her to spend more time with us (read: Isabella) and allowed me to get some things done around the house. Preschool doesn't start until September and naps are becoming a bit of a challenge for both kids, so there is no "guaranteed" kid free time during the day for me.  We also got to go on some "field trips" with AJ I don't feel brave enough to take with our normal 1:2 ratio.

We also decided to finally take my mom up on her offer to take our older dog back with her to their house for an extended visit.  Poor old girl still would like to start a "We hate Isabella Club" (a la Brad Pitt's cameo on Friends) and has snapped at her twice now when she has had food.  A break will hopefully do everyone some good. 

While my parents were here I finally took some time to clean out the attic.  Got rid of all of my remaining K-5 teacher stuff and whittled down my sentimental rubbermaid containers from three large tubs and one small tub to just one small tub.   While it was nice to see some of these things again, some I honestly didn't remember where they had come from!  Also the motivator that really got me moving on this project was my one and only child. 

One of my concerns with having an only is that all the responsibility for her aging parents will rest squarely on her shoulders.  While it's morbid to think about I realized there are things we can be doing, even starting right now, that can make it easier for her down the line.  This was one of them. 

I really enjoyed spending a week and half with my family and am very blessed that they are ready, willing and able to both receive us and travel to/with us.  I am hoping to instill this feeling of family and gratitude into Isabella too:).

My Weekend Off

Since we graduated from college, I have gotten together with three college friends for a girls weekend most summers.  We each live in different states, so it can be tricky but (until now) I have always been able to make it work.  This year the plan was to venture to Maryland.  Unfortunately, J.T.s back went out and he could not solo parent which resulted in my staying home:(.  As a consolation we decided I would get a weekend "off" in August.  The weekend had finally arrived.  Thank God!  I had reached my breaking point somewhere in potty training hell and was hanging on (mostly!) by a thread.

While of course missed seeing my college friends, I did get to turn what would have been 16 hours of driving time into fun/relaxation time.  I also made lots of plans with local friends sans kids which doesn't happen often anymore.   The downside of my "staycation" was that I got to stay in bed, but didn't get to sleep in.  Also by Sunday I was ready to do some serious binge watching of the final season of Jane the Virgin.  Soooo since staying home would have involved some degree of toddler-ness I thanked God in equal measure for the beautiful outdoors and modern technology.  I watched downloaded episodes on a blanket, under a tree in the park.  It was perfect!