Final Post

Six years ago today:

•  I was utterly lost having already endured three years of infertility with no end in sight.
•  I reached out to share our continuing journey through the mud and mire that is infertility.
• All that seemed to lay before me was a horrible, vast unknown.

Six years later:

• I am found.
• We have ridden the storm of infertility and, while there continues to be scars. those scars have (mostly) healed and serve as a reminder of where we have been and WHO got us through it.
• There is still a vast unknown that lays before me, but this time knowing that God has plans for me that will not fail and will lead me to prosper I live in hope rather than fear.

I have always appreciated a good story.  To me a good story contains a beginning, middle, and an end.  It has always been much preferred that the end be happy or at the very least serve as a beacon of hope.

While this blog does not encapsulate my whole life's story, it does tell the whole story of...

• how I truly came to know God.
• how I became a mother.
• how I learned and continue to learn each and every day how to parent this amazing, remarkable gift from God that is my daughter.

You might say this last part is what helps this story have its happy ending.  However, seeing as this story is one for whom God is the real author not only does it end happily, but it also ends with a beacon of hope as I move forward continuing to find my place in God's story.

But that friends is a story for another time and another place.

Follow the Arrows

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I've tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

These words, written by Lauren Daigle, have become my theme song.  While I believe in them with all my heart, it is somewhat of a challenge to live them day in and day out.  You see once upon a time, I fancied myself a bit of an architect.  I would develop a plan, working to make sure each piece was in just the right place, so that ultimately the finished product would be exactly what I wanted and how I had imagined it to be.  My greatest lesson over the last decade is that my imagination is nothing compared to God's and that when I relinquish control to Him and follow His plans that is when I truly get what I want even before realizing it is exactly what I need.  So while I get it, the challenge is real.

Now that the kids are in school, I am devoting that time to my "professional" life.  On their first day I worked on my CV and realized I should probably also update my LinkedIn.  When opened it I saw that my headline and current position was full time student.  Well that wasn't the case any more, but when I went to change it I realized that I had no Earthly idea what to change it to!  I have nothing but respect for stay at home moms, I AM a stay at home mom which is exactly what I feel I am supposed to be doing right now, BUT listing that on LinkedIn did not seem like the thing to do.  So I sat and in that moment I heard the words "educational consultant".  So in addition to foraying into the world of publishing and adjunct "professering", I am also taking steps toward developing an educational consulting endeavor.  

At one time, this would have blown my mind as none of these paths have a clear beginning, middle, and end, but now I am just putting one foot in front of the other and taking each path one step at a time.  It is of no surprise that I ran across a book entitled The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman.  In it she speaks directly to me in that right now my job is to "follow the arrows" God lays out for me.  At this juncture I have no idea what the end game is supposed to be and that is o.k.  

It's funny.  Following the arrows is advice I learned way back when....from Sesame Street!  So I am now living my life day to day under God's guidance and with Lauren Daigle, Bert & Ernie for moral support.  Not a bad team.

An Itsy Bitsy Gift of Life

Today my beautiful daughter is 29 months.  In one short month she will be 2.5.  Wow!

My beautiful daughter is many things...

She is funny.  Recently she said two hilarious things (which I think she may have swiped from the Bubble Guppies), but her context and timing were spot on:

(A few leaves fall off of a tree while Iz and I walk.)
Me: The leaves will start to fall off of the trees this time of year.
Iz: Watch out!

Walking through concord mills mall past a Halloween shop.
Isabella: Spooky consumes
Me: Yes, those are spooky costumes.
Isabella: Let’s get out of here!

She is athletic.  Be it running, kicking, climbing, jumping, throwing, dribbling...this girl has moves.  She also has grace and agility that I could only dream of at her age (well, if I'm being honest at any age!).

She is smart.  She knows her colors.  She knows her shapes.  She is a book worm.  At her request we begin each day and end each day reading books and "Mama, read please" is a constant refrain throughout the day.  She has even begun retelling some of the books by "reading the pictures" (also known as memorizing-I think!).

She is an animal lover.  Be it dogs or cats, ladybugs or spiders, cows or elephants.  She adores them all and declares them "Soooo cute" on the regular.  Her animals (plastic, stuffed, and real) and play sets are by far her most treasured belongings.  She's even added some imaginary ones into the mixed as she currently takes care of invisible chics (and now fish!) almost every day.  They are by far my favorite as we can never lose them and can make them appear at any moment.

She is kind.  The other day A.J. was calling for his mommy.  Isabella went right over to him and said "Mommy's at work.  It's ok buddy."  And patted him on the arm.  She also says "excuse me" when she bumps into inanimate objects (now if I could just get her to say the same things to strangers when she runs into them:).

She is passionate.  She knows what she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it.  I particularly admire it when it's not in direct defiance of what I need for her to do.

She is an amazing amalgamation of two people who met and fell in love and one kind stranger.  Each of us contributed to the attributes listed above as well as the ones that haven't yet emerged.  Without each one of us she wouldn't be Isabella.

One book Isabella requests regularly is a book she calls "The Bunny Book".  The actual title is An Itsy, Bitsy Gift of Life.  It is the story of two rabbits, Comet and Pally, who desperately wanted a baby bunny but couldn't have one on their own because Pally doesn't have any itsy, bitsy seeds left in her tummy.  One day they are surprised by a kind, lady rabbit who shows up at the door who has LOTS of itsy, bitsy seeds (I know, show off, right?;) and wants to give one to them.  They accept and allow Comet and Pally to put his itsy bitsy seed along with her itsy bitsy gift of life into Pally's tummy which results in their beautiful baby Nicasha.

As we continue to read these stories and tell Isabella her story over the years, some day it will click and she will have questions about the kind lady who gave her mommy an itsy bitsy gift of life when she had no eggs left in her tummy.   I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little grim when thinking of this day in the not so distant future, but I know God will give me what I need so I can give Isabella what she needs.  At the end of the day without that specific gift of life, my funny, athletic, smart, kind, passionate, animal loving daughter wouldn't be who she is and that would be more than grim--that would have been a misfortune.  She may be tiny, but this girl is sure to move mountains some day and that I can't wait to see.

First Day of School

While I might not have had a first day of school, but this little girl sure did...

 . "You guys and these signs are hysterical!"

"Let me see if I approve..."

 . "Ok, I'm in!"

She and AJ will go two mornings a week from 8:30-12:30 and I am both relishing the time alone and dreading her being away from me.

If only the church volunteers from last fall could see her now.  Isabella is no longer the poster child for separation anxiety-yahoo!  I give all the credit to Daniel Tiger. 

This summer when we decided to try church again we did three things:
1.  Defined what church was.  Calling it school as it is technically Sunday school and serves as her preschool.
2.  Watched Daniel Tiger's Grown Ups come back episode ANNND bought the book.  Read on repeat.
3.  Visited the classrooms the day before we were going to return to church so she could see it and made the connection to the Grown Ups Come Back song.

That was the missing link.  Ever since whenever J.T. or I are away from her she sings (in a horribly adorable no-key kind of way) "Grooown ups come back".  So that meant the only tears today were mine.  In the car.  Not sad, not happy, just tears:).

As I said, the preschool they will attend is at our church.  I waffled back and forth between this one and another.  Ultimately there were a few reasons that made this the better choice on paper.  Also I have always been impressed with all the programs at our church so I put my faith in them that even though the preschool is only its second year it too would flourish.

After a lackluster first day from a parent perspective we are going with the wait and see approach.  At the end of the day they are absolutely safe and in a stable environment, but things are kind of chaotic at this point and her teachers seemed a bit overwhelmed.  I picked them up smiling, Isabella said she "had fun" and they each had a good report so we shall see what the coming weeks bring:).

1984

Nope, not a George Orwell reference.

Rather 1984 was the last time I didn't personally experience a first day of school.

Until today.

Now I have learned over the last two years that school systems can still survive without me, BUT can I survive without school?

Not a question I had ever considered before.

When I was younger, ok until like 5 minutes ago, I (arrogantly) could not comprehend how people could graduate and not know what they were going to go next.  However, putting everything (and I mean everything) into God's hands has been a game changer.  I am putting one foot in front of the other with a flexible plan.

However, there are times (more and more times now that I am officially graduated) that I think I keep trying to be in charge again.  The tell tale sign?  Anxiety that seems to settle right in the middle of my chest.

When I truly give it to God I feel at peace.  That peace is amazing and something I have never before experienced.  When I do things on God's time and with his guidance tremendous things happen.

Old habits are hard to break.

Guess there's no time better than now.

Family Time

Isabella and I made the great northern trek again.  Ok, it's only 8 hours but when it's just you and a 2 year old it feels like a big, risky expedition!  This time we dragged my mom back with us.  This allowed her to spend more time with us (read: Isabella) and allowed me to get some things done around the house. Preschool doesn't start until September and naps are becoming a bit of a challenge for both kids, so there is no "guaranteed" kid free time during the day for me.  We also got to go on some "field trips" with AJ I don't feel brave enough to take with our normal 1:2 ratio.

We also decided to finally take my mom up on her offer to take our older dog back with her to their house for an extended visit.  Poor old girl still would like to start a "We hate Isabella Club" (a la Brad Pitt's cameo on Friends) and has snapped at her twice now when she has had food.  A break will hopefully do everyone some good. 

While my parents were here I finally took some time to clean out the attic.  Got rid of all of my remaining K-5 teacher stuff and whittled down my sentimental rubbermaid containers from three large tubs and one small tub to just one small tub.   While it was nice to see some of these things again, some I honestly didn't remember where they had come from!  Also the motivator that really got me moving on this project was my one and only child. 

One of my concerns with having an only is that all the responsibility for her aging parents will rest squarely on her shoulders.  While it's morbid to think about I realized there are things we can be doing, even starting right now, that can make it easier for her down the line.  This was one of them. 

I really enjoyed spending a week and half with my family and am very blessed that they are ready, willing and able to both receive us and travel to/with us.  I am hoping to instill this feeling of family and gratitude into Isabella too:).

My Weekend Off

Since we graduated from college, I have gotten together with three college friends for a girls weekend most summers.  We each live in different states, so it can be tricky but (until now) I have always been able to make it work.  This year the plan was to venture to Maryland.  Unfortunately, J.T.s back went out and he could not solo parent which resulted in my staying home:(.  As a consolation we decided I would get a weekend "off" in August.  The weekend had finally arrived.  Thank God!  I had reached my breaking point somewhere in potty training hell and was hanging on (mostly!) by a thread.

While of course missed seeing my college friends, I did get to turn what would have been 16 hours of driving time into fun/relaxation time.  I also made lots of plans with local friends sans kids which doesn't happen often anymore.   The downside of my "staycation" was that I got to stay in bed, but didn't get to sleep in.  Also by Sunday I was ready to do some serious binge watching of the final season of Jane the Virgin.  Soooo since staying home would have involved some degree of toddler-ness I thanked God in equal measure for the beautiful outdoors and modern technology.  I watched downloaded episodes on a blanket, under a tree in the park.  It was perfect!

Melt Downs for Everyone!

You get a meltdown! And you get a meltdown!  And you get a meltdown!  Ugh, this is such a sad place these days.

Isabella's emotions are strong, but her buddy A.J. (as long as he gets hugs and preferred food) is generally pretty stable. Well actually, he has his days too.  BUT to this point they have been kind to me and have TAKEN TURNS with their bad days/weeks.  Nope, not this week.  They are both pissed on the regular and don't seem to care who knows it.

What's super fun is when they cry our younger dog Aiden cries too, so (too many!) times this week they have been a wailing trio:(.   I have said it before and I will say it again, toddler teachers at day cares and preschools must be saints because I can not IMAGINE what this would be like times like 6!

My latest read has been the The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.  The section I found most fascinating explained:

Imagine that your brain is a house, with both a downstairs and an upstairs. The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain, from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose. Scientists talk about these lower areas as being more primitive because they are responsible for basic functions (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight and flight), and for strong emotions (like anger and fear).

Your upstairs brain is completely different. It’s made up of the cerebral cortex and its various parts—particularly the ones directly behind your forehead, including what’s called the middle prefrontal cortex. Unlike your more basic downstairs brain, the upstairs brain is more evolved and can give you a fuller perspective on your world.  This is where more intricate mental processes take place, like thinking, imagining, and planning.

Whereas the downstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highly sophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking. Because of its sophistication and complexity, it is responsible for producing many of the characteristics we hope to see in our kids:  Sound decision making and planning  Control over emotions and body  Self-understanding  Empathy  Morality

Just imagine the downstairs of a house that is complete and fully furnished, but when you look up at the second floor, you see that it is unfinished and littered with construction tools. You can even see patches of the sky where the roof hasn’t been completed yet. That’s your child’s upstairs brain—a work in progress.

The problem, though, is that especially in children, the amygdala frequently fires up and blocks the stairway connecting the upstairs and downstairs brain. It’s as if a baby gate has been latched at the bottom of the stairs, making the upstairs brain inaccessible. This of course further compounds the other problem we just discussed: not only is the upstairs brain under construction, but even the part of it that can function becomes inaccessible during moments of high emotion or stress.


Think about what this information means, practically, as we raise kids who don’t have constant access to their upstairs brain. It’s unrealistic to expect them always to be rational, regulate their emotions, make good decisions, think before acting, and be empathetic—all of the things a developed upstairs brain helps them do.

That all makes PERFECT SENSE!  BUT while it's helpful to understand WHY they are acting this way HOW do I stop it from busting my ear drum?!?!  They did provide 5 different strategies that, over time, will help.  Just hoping we all live long enough to find out:/...

Oh, Crap

When Isabella turned two the questions about potty training started rolling in.  At that point I was neck deep in dissertation stuff so I just replied with a "We are in no rush".  It wasn't until we went to the beach that I actually had a chance to breath and start looking into it.  I mean, clearly I had a vague idea as to how it worked.  BUT after attempting to help train Andi last year I was not looking forward to the process and wanted to go at it with a more concrete plan of action (shocking I know).

I read two different books on the topic.  One was a very gentle approach which included a lot of information about physiology which was actually super informative.  The other was a much more direct approach (often referred to as the "Oh, Crap" method).  Normally I would have tried a hybrid of the two; however, there was a part of the direct approach that struck me to my core.  It spoke of how an optimal time to potty train is between 24-30 months as, for many, they are physically ready and have not yet hit their peak of obstinance.  Well dang, my kid and her obstinance were already making me feel like banging my head against the wall.  So that was enough to move my time table up from "some time before she is 3" to this summer.

We cleared our calendars the last weekend of July to give this our best shot.  Girlfriend was naked all day Saturday and as the day went on she seemed to start getting the hang of it.  By Sunday after nap we were ready to try adding some clothes to the mix.  Feeling pretty good about things overall.  Then came Monday and the s*&! hit the fan, both literally and figuratively.

You see cognitively and physically Isabella was ready to potty train, but once the initial appeal wore off she was clearly (and vocally!) in camp "No Potty!".  In fact "No potty!" was her battle cry for a full hour on Monday as she proceeded to cry, scream, and kick her little potty when I told her we had to sit on the potty before going to the pool.  While there are those that would have said give it up, she's just not ready, I felt like if I let it go now it will be even MORE of a battle down the road.  And to some degree I turned out to be right.   After that hour she did sit on the potty and the next day the no potty tirade only lasted 30 minutes:/.  By Tuesday she was also fully boycotting the little potty and would only use the big potty with the potty seat.  Wednesday came and after two back to back accidents I was ready to throw in the towel and, in fact, set a deadline of next Friday to hit the pause button if things didn't improve.

BUT it was like she read my mind and by Wednesday afternoon things started to turn around!  There are still, and I'm assuming, will continue to be accidents for a while.  BUT I do think she is getting it! 

Who Am I?

This is the question I feel I need to answer before anything else moving forward into the unknown that is my future.

To this point I have devoted the bulk of my life to accomplishments.  As a result I have a list of things I have done and roles I have fulfilled, but don't really know who I am.

The good news is the question of Who I Am? is like the riddle of the ages as there is apparently no consensus among the many brilliant and varied people who have tried to define identity.  This great little video serves as a summation as to why this question continues to go unanswered:  https://ed.ted.com/lessons/who-am-i-a-philosophical-inquiry-amy-adkins#review

What strikes me is that much of who I am in Christ speaks to Christ and what He has done for me and what I am as a result of Him, but there isn't much that speaks actively to what He wants from me.

Now I know the "right" answer is He wants my love, faith and obedience, but I'm not going to lie.  I struggle to know how to make that something I DO all day, everyday.  I don't know how to determine what I am supposed to be doing next as a result of these.  I find myself saying "Lord, Lead" sometimes dozens of times a day, and believe He is; however...having spend nearly four decades looking ahead I'm not sure how to live beyond the moment now that I have more firmly placed Christ in the drivers seat:/.

Fortunately from the list of things that God says I am, there are four things I see as actionable:

• I am a child of God.
• I am a branch of the true vine, and a conduit of Christ’s life.
• I have been called to be a saint.
• I am God’s workmanship created to produce good works.

While the answer to "Who Am I?" in Christ never changes, what I may really be seeking is "What do I do Now?".  Again, while I suspect this will always change (be it year to year, day to day or even second to second!) have a stronger foundation in making decisions rooted in Who I am in Christ may be the answer to what I am seeking.  So for now I am seeking more clarity on these four items.

July=Sleep Regression

This seems to be an equation Isabella had in her head from the beginning. 

I'm still standing (well sitting/laying) guard at her door until she falls asleep.  Which honestly could be worse as she does lay in her bed without complaint until she passes out and all I have to do is close the door. 

BUT

We have now added a middle of the night wake up AND a 4:30/5:00 request for "Mommy sit at door!".

I finally broke down and bought a fold up mattress so I can at least be comfortable while I "camp out". 

I try to "lean in" during these times because I feel like there must be a reason she is doing (needs?) this.  BUT she does not sleep as well this was, doesn't get enough sleep overall, and therefore is not fun for anyone (including herself!).

Soooo I suspect I can predict the ending to this chapter as each of the others have in the past with some good old fashioned CIO:(.

Now how do I replace July=Sleep Regression with a new equation that works better for everyone?!?!

The Spirited Child

Yet another book I wish had existed earlier in my teaching career.  Fortunately it came out in time to help with my own kiddo:).

Between teaching school aged students and now spending my days with littles, I have read a lot of books relating to childhood behavior.  This book helped me close the gap in my knowledge between your average by the book child and a child with diagnosable needs.  In a nutshell:

Each spirited child is unique, yet there exist distinct characteristics in which more is very apparent. Not every spirited child will possess all of the following five characteristics, but each will exhibit enough of them to make her stand out in the crowd.

These are the ones that speak most to my sweet (and at times spicy/salty) girl:

1. INTENSITY: The loud, dramatic spirited children are the easiest to spot. They don’t cry; they shriek. They’re noisy when they play, when they laugh, and even when they take a shower, singing at the top of their lungs while the hot-water tank empties. No matter where their intensity is focused, the reactions of spirited children are always powerful. There is rarely a middle of the road. They never whimper; they wail. They can skip into a room, smiling and laughing, only to depart thirty seconds later inflamed. Their tantrums are raw and enduring.  Check!
2. PERSISTENCE: If an idea or an activity is important to them, spirited children can “lock” right in. They are committed to their task, goal-oriented, and are unwilling to give up. Getting them to change their minds is a major undertaking. They love to debate and are not afraid to assert themselves.  Yup!
3. PERCEPTIVENESS: Send them to their room to get dressed and they’ll never make it. Something along the way—perhaps a flash of light at the window—will catch their attention as they walk by, and they’ll forget about getting dressed. It can take ten minutes to get them from the house to the car. They notice everything—the latest oil spill, the white feather in the bird’s nest, and the dew in the spiderweb. They are often accused of not listening.  For sure!

Many, but not all, possess four additional “bonus” characteristics: aspects of their personality that can make being their parent even more challenging.  

Fortunately Isabella only possesses one of these, but it is a doozy:

ENERGY: The tales of spirited kids I hear from parents are truly amazing, like that of the two-week-old baby who “crawled” the entire length of a queen-size bed and was about to land on the floor when his father found him. Or the toddler who opened the oven door and used it to crawl onto the counter and from there to the top of the refrigerator.  Not all spirited kids are climbers and leapers. But they do tend to be busy—fidgeting, taking things apart, exploring, and creating projects—from the time they wake up until they finally fall asleep. Although sometimes viewed as “wild,” their energy is usually focused and has a purpose.  We have many pictures/videos to prove it!

The good news for us was that Isabella tends to flutter on the low end of the spirited scale (just a notch above just a spunky, sassy little thing), but it has been beyond helpful to understand a little more fully who we are potentially dealing with.  She is for sure very young, but these components of who she is have been in place almost since day one.  The likelihood of her "growing out of them" are not the best, so I guess it's better to be over-prepared than underprepared.

Now What?

For three decades I have very deliberately planned next steps and put all of my time, energy, and mental capacity into these plans and bringing them to fruition.  I have two items left on my doctoral to-do list (having a dissertation formatting meeting with the grad school and submitting it to ProQuest for publishing).  Once those are done I am officially completed with this milestone. 

Technically speaking I have not been employed since June of 2017.  While I can say I have been self-employed as a caregiver and have been a student, those things are not the same as holding a job in my mind.  Prior to June of 2017 I had been continuously employed for 26 years.  None of those jobs have ever been a traditional 9-5, but for each of them I had to apply, interview and report to some version of a supervisor.  At first my new "work" status after Isabella was born was disconcerting and I struggled.  Part of the struggle was being the primary parent to a challenging baby on top of being self employed as a caregiver and student, but in hindsight I think part of the struggle came from being completely on my own.  There is freedom in that for sure, but with great freedom comes great responsibility.  That responsibility was the most overwhelming I had experienced to date.

Over the last year; however, I feel I have hit my stride to some extent.  I have shown I am self-motivated and self-directed.  Also, with God's guidance, I have increasingly tried to look at  "the big picture" attempting to make decisions based on values of peace and contentment rather than ambition and success.  It is a blessing and by God's grace alone that I am in a position to re-enter the workforce in a manner that helps provide homeostasis for myself and my family. 

That said it is also a daunting task as there is not a clear cut next step.  I am seeking God's guidance to start down a brand new professional path that allows me to use my skills and education in a way that brings glory to God while at the same time provides an income that gradually increases to match the output of education and money spent on said education AND allows there to continued to be peace in my relationships and home.  No SMALL FEAT for sure, but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.  So let's see where I'm at and where I need to go from here.

My child care business is not where I envisioned it going, but it has evolved into what works best for myself and my family.  I am paid to be able to consistently provide a playmate for my only child while at the same time provide stability and routine to a little guy who needs it, but doesn't always have it outside of my care.  It is my hope to continue to provide AJ care and, with his parents blessing of course, to include him in any supplemental care I may need for Isabella along with the way.   However, with this evolution has come a decrease in financial contribution.  This will continue to be the case as the amount of preschool the kids attend (and/or the amount of supplemental care) increases.  As a result, I don't think it is fair to say I am a childcare provider any longer (except of course for tax purposes and to explain why I have two kids 40 hours a week:).

When I began this doctoral journey I think my concrete goal aligned with my prior experience.  I would graduate and at some point depending on the needs of my child obtain a tenure track position at a university.  Well a couple of things have changed along the way.  First, I have learned that the road to tenure, much like the work in K-5 education, is stacked against the employee.  The expectations are too high, the work load is unreasonable and the potential to balance work and life beyond work well is bleak.  It also requires flexibility of location which at this point I have none.  As a result, tenure track is something that I may pursue when Isabella is (much) older or J.T. finds himself in a season of life where he could be a traveling spouse, but for the foreseeable future is not a viable option.

All of that said, I now have a doctorate and to ensure my time and our money has not been wasted I need to find a way to put it to good use.

As a result, I need a plan B.  I still would like to teach college.  Since I am not interested in tenure track at the moment adjunct work seems to be the best option at this point.  That said, I am graduating in August so while I will do my best at this late stage the likelihood of obtaining a position for the fall is bleak.  However, it will not stop me from trying so the step one is to develop a game plan for applying for current and future openings.

Another idea began to percolate over the last year.  While my dissertation is not my pride and joy by a long shot, I set a timeline, developed a game plan and completed a passable work with virtually no oversight (or guidance unfortunately).   Therefore, it is possible that writing (and maybe even providing PD based upon the books I theoretically write) may be another possible option I had not ever previously considered. 

SO the question on every one's mind (well maybe not everyone's mind, but MY mind) is:

Where do I begin?!?!

Terrible 2s

I have said all along that I don't want Isabella to bottle her feelings up like I do.  I sincerely want her to feel her feelings.  That said why can't she feel them more quietly and less dramatically!

She is the kid that squeals with delight and belly laughs when she feels joy.

She is ALSO the kid that cries and carries on (for what feels like HOURS) when she feels, you know, less joyful.

The lack of rhyme and reason, plus spending all this time in the deep end of emotion is a LOT for this right-brained mama to take.

I am re-reading the books I read last year when the little girl I watched went through this phase.  I guess I had hoped being proactive would be helpful.  I guess I thought wrong:(.

I love this girl more than anything, but dang this is hard.

Final Defense

The "disaster" that was my dissertation proposal has been swirling around in my brain for the last two weeks.  I had once again done everything that the members of my committee have asked me to do, but after getting knocked on my ass the last time had no idea what they do once they were all together.  The last time it felt like they were kindly, but none the less completely, undoing the work I had put much time into constructing.  When I left the room I was still conducting qualitative research on male students diagnosed with ADHD in the reading classroom, but what I had been primarily wanting to learn ultimately got tossed out the window.   To boot, this time I would be kicked out of the room so they could deliberate in private-yikes!

Over the last 8 months I had developed a new bond with this revised research I had cultivated.  While it certainly has flaws, it is the result of probably hundreds of hours of time, thought, and effort.  Recently there have been some pictures on Instagram of PhD candidates taking "maternity" phots with their dissertation.  On many levels I could totally relate . So all I kept thinking was "What if they blew it up AGAIN?!?!".

I practiced my defense presentation for days.  I had to take my 100+ page dissertation and condense it into a cohesive 20 minute rundown.  I am lucky that my fast talking, Yankee ways are still accessible as that was the ONLY way I got it done.  I also sent out requests for prayers from friends and family, and was pretty much talking to God 24:7.   Unfortunately the committee picked an afternoon time slot, so for the first half of the day my stomach was in knots. 

On the drive over to campus I gave the whole thing over to the Lord.   I had been trying to do just for days, but I think I was finally able to take my grubby little paws off of it in the car.  This, of course, made a world of difference.  Why can't I just do this in the first place?!?!

My new found sense of peace allowed me to enter the room and give it all I had.  Fortunately all I had was enough because as I re-entered the room after their private deliberation they called me DOCTOR:).

As Isabella used to say "Did IT!".

Beach Week 2019

For the first time in three years J.T. actually got to join us on a vacation.  The first year after Isabella was born we didn't go anywhere.  Then last year he felt like he needed to be conservative with his days off because of treatment.  So we were super excited for him to come!  This was also the dogs first vacation in three years as they normally stay with J.T. when Iz and I go out of town.

So for the first time ever our entire family went on a vacation together which seems like it would have been awesome (and ultimately it was), but turns out in the mind of a 2 year old when the whole family leaves the house together and starts settling in somewhere new alarm bells apparently sound:/.  For the first time ever Isabella was devastated to be away from home and her refrain of "home" ranged from pitiful to outright hostile. 

She had all of her favorite things and all of her favorite people so at first we were at a total loss.  After seeking advice from others we started counting down the days until we would return home.  Now she has like zero number sense, but for whatever reason that seemed to helped most of the time. 

Over the last few weeks Isabella started requesting me to sit at her door in order for her to go to sleep (nap and bedtime-ugh).  It only lasts about 30 minutes, but between that and being on toddler time versus the night owl schedule everyone else was following PLUS the fact J.T. was sick for two days meant I didn't feel like I got much of a vacation:(.

That said, it was great spending time with our family and friends.  I DID get to sit and drink in a hot tub every afternoon while Isabella napped, so it definitely wasn't all bad.  We did play games which I enjoy and got to see some sights.  So while it is not like vacations of pre-Iz days, it was a great vacation for our current season of life. 

My Good Friend Dory

So April was write your dissertation month, and it appears May is RE-write your dissertation month.  I have literally re-written my entire results section, and made big changes to other chapters as well.  At the end of the day what I think at this point doesn't matter.   I am doing each and every single thing the members of my committee suggest as the only thing standing between me and this degree are their signatures.

Last spring I felt like I was drowning:  kids...classes...comps...Cancer.

There was one sentence that repeated over and over again in my brain.  It came from an unlikely source.  It came from an animated fish.

Last spring Dory (from Finding Nemo) kept reminding me to "Just keep swimming".

This spring she has returned with slightly modified guidance:

Will do little friend, will do.

Dedication

I did it.  I wrote my entire dissertation in one month and three days.  It is certainly not my magnum opus, but I decided to live by the creed that the best dissertation is a done dissertation.

There have been hiccups along the way including a super passive committee chair; a helpful, but late to the party methodologist; and more than one day where I felt like I had no words left, but it has been written and submitted to my committee for review.  The date of my defense has been set for June 13.  I am hoping to get feedback from the committee before the defense so the defense can just be a formality, but that didn't work so well when I tried that approach for my proposal so what will be will be.

Here is the dedication included in my dissertation:

This dissertation is dedicated to my family:  my husband J.T., my daughter, Isabella, and my parents, John and Judy Isenberg.  Without their encouragement, support and inspiration this work would not have been possible.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Without J.T. there is an excellent chance I would never be able to finish this PhD program.  I recognize the privilege in not having to work outside of our home to stay home with our child and the "extra" time and mental space I had as a result to be able to finish.

Isabella serves as inspiration in all I do now, but even she (and AJ!) were supportive in that they were excellent nappers during the month of April and allowed me 2-3 hours a day to work uninterrupted.

My parents have always served as my greatest supporters in all I do, but they also physically helped by allowing us to come up for a week long "visit" which was really them babysitting for several hours a day so I could write.

Without each of them this dissertation would not have happened.

I would also like to thank the fine people of Panera.  Both our local Panera and the one at my parents house.  While J.T. or my parents were with Iz I had to go elsewhere to write.  Panera was the perfect spot.  I am now thinking I will drop 5 pounds simply by not having a chance to devour their Kitchen Sink cookie on the regular:).

This Is 2

I have no words for describing the way I feel.  The days can be long, but the years are indeed short.  I am beyond grateful for being able to spend my days watching her grow.  And grow she does... physically...mentally...socially each and every day.  We were blessed to spend her birthday with family and friends.  This is 2...cheers!

All The Words

Well, Isabella doesn't have ALL the words, but she has so many of them that she's being exited from speech!

It has been such an interesting experience both as a parent and an educator to see how speech development evolves.  It was almost like her brain had a gate with a code and once we punched in the code the gate opened and all the things she had rolling around in her brain began to stream out of her mouth.

Having all the words doesn't solve all the problems (like if she wants something and we don't have it that is still dramatically upsetting!), but at least a layer of confusion and frustration has been removed from the equation.

She has even started stringing words together to form mini sentences.

It is amazing the difference a year makes. 

One year ago there were no words and no understanding on our part as to how to get them.

Now our little girl is on track to drive her teachers bonkers.  When we are contacted someday about her difficulty curbing her excessive talking we will have to take a moment to first be grateful.

Operation Dissertation

This is it.

I have collected my data.

I have a game plan.

I have declared the month of April "Write a Dissertation Month".

30 days...

one whole dissertation...

game on!

That Parent

Isabella and AJ will go to preschool two mornings a week starting this fall.  After touring three top contenders I ended up choosing the preschool run by our church.  They are the newest and least structured of the three BUT less structure I think is better for Isabella at this point.  Also it was the most diverse (at the other two AJ would have looked around and probably thought "Ummm nobody here looks like me.  What's up with that?!?).  I also already know that I have such an appreciation for our church's philosophies and organization that I am hoping this filters down into the preschool realm the way it appears to do in kid's church.

All of that said, I already I feel like THAT parent.  THAT parent is my way of referring to the overbearing parent who's heart is in the right place, but is just so extra that it's hard to take them seriously most of the time.  When we toured the preschool in the fall Isabella and AJ already seemed to be much bigger and mobile than the kids in the younger 2 year old class (which based on their birthdays would be the room to which they were assigned).  Realizing these kids were almost a full year older than mine I wanted them to be considered for the older 2 year old classroom.  Since only one of them is legally "mine".  I only sent the email on Isabella's behalf assuming I would get a chance to talk to AJ's mom at some point.  Well long story short (and several emails later), I wound up just finally asking the director to ensure they were in the same class.

I now see how easy it can be to slip down the rabbit hole that is THAT parent in the best interest (or what you perceive to be the best interest) of your child.  Two lessons learned:

1.  Filter all messages through my teacher/principal brain as a parent
2.  If ever I am in a position again to work with the children of school aged children filter all responses (even mental responses) through the lens of entering my soon to be 2 year old in school for the ver first time. 

21 Ways to Finding Peace

When searching for peace one of the best ways is to be direct.  21 Ways to Finding Peace and Happiness: Overcoming Anxiety, Fear, and Discontentment Every Day by Joyce Meyer provides just that.  I was surprised to find that I appreciated Joyce Meyer's ministry.  As an older white lady from the South I (erroneously) assumed that her perspective would provide a conflicting lens to my world view.  I was wrong.  Just goes to show you can never judge a book by its cover.

While I am a big fan of enumerated lists of ways to do something 21 was a lot!  So I am prioritizing.  Some of them I have already been working on:

Peacekeeper #4: Don’t Worry About the Future
Peacekeeper #8: Stop Rushing
Peacekeeper #11: Keep Your Priorities in Order
Peacekeeper #12: Protect Your Health
Peacekeeper #13: Avoid Financial Pressure
Peacekeeper #14: Keep Your Thoughts Above Life’s Storms
Peacekeeper #16: Adapt Yourself to the Needs of Others
Peacekeeper #20: Maintain a Quiet Inner Life

Others are good next steps:

Peacekeeper #5: Don’t Be Double-Minded 

"God’s way is one of being decisive. We are not to make decisions so quickly that we don’t give them proper thought and prayer. We should seek wisdom and be sure we are following peace. But once we have done all we can do to assure we are making a right decision, as far as we know, there is nothing else to do except be courageous and do something, lest we do nothing."  While I am in general a very decisive person, there is often a lot of questioning or self-doubt after the fact.  This has become increasingly true as I have been working on shedding projects and other areas that are not priorities.  Fewer priorities and increased mental space has left room for a lot of self-doubt which for sure is not the end goal.

Peacekeeper #6: Stay Supernaturally Relaxed 

"To have peace, it is very important that we abide in Christ, and this means to spend time with Him on a consistent basis. In the world we live in today, a little bit of time with God is not enough. God has to be first in our thoughts, in our conversations, in our finances, and in our schedules. Don’t try to work God into your schedule; work your schedule around Him. Put Him first, and everything will work properly."  I have purposely set God as the first and foremost priority in my life, but have work to do in ensuring my daily thoughts and actions reflect this.

Peacekeeper #7: Avoid Strife to Maintain Peace with God 

"God did not create us to live in the war zone all the time. We are supposed to have peace, and when something happens to disturb our peace, we have to work to get it back."  Dang, this is a hard one given the current state of our nation.  I am fortunate that within most of my personal relationships there is peace, but I am having a difficult time balancing wanting to ensure I am doing my part in advocating for those in need in a way that does not also disturb my peace i.e. keeping me awake at night recounting posts I read from people whose beliefs about the world make little to no sense to me.

Peacekeeper #9: Accept Yourself  and Peacekeeper #10: Focus on Your Unique Strengths

"If you are not at peace with yourself, you won’t enjoy your life. You are one person you never get away from, not even for one second. You are everywhere you go, therefore, if you don’t like and accept yourself, you cannot possibly be anything other than miserable."  With this one it's not that I don't like myself, it's that I think I am never enough.  That I am always supposed to be doing more, being more.  What that more is seems to be ever changing, so it may be time to consider that I need to figure out what God thinks is enough.

Peacekeeper #15: Esteem Others as Higher than Yourself

"The only way we can ever hope to have peace in our relationships is if we are willing to humble ourselves and esteem others the way Jesus does. This means that we are not to think we are too good, or too important, to be the ones who initiate the act of making and maintaining peace with someone else."

Peacekeeper #18: Establish Boundaries with People 

Like many people, I was guilty of not establishing and maintaining boundaries in relationships for many years, but after seeing how this adversely affected my health and peace, I made some drastic changes. People don’t always like boundaries, but we are definitely wise to establish them.

Peacekeeper #19: Let Go of Offenses 

"We should form a habit of dealing only with what God Himself prompts us to address, not just everything we feel like confronting, or every little thing that bothers us. I am the type of person who would not be inclined to let anybody get away with anything."

Some I feel I am already doing consistently and others are future goals:
Peacekeeper #1: Trust the Lord of Peace
Peacekeeper #2:  Make Peace Through a Surrendered Will (I suspect this will always be a work in progress!)
Peacekeeper #3:  Know Your Enemy
Peacekeeper #17 Beware of Idle Talk
Peacekeeper #21  Aggressively Pursue Peace

21 is a lot y'all, but I'm going to give it a shot.  Wish me luck!

There's that Light...

at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  While my initial goal for graduating in May has come and gone, I am on track to graduate this summer!  I have all the participants lined up for my study and have even begun conducting my research.  I still have like zero guidance, but what I lack in guidance I make up for in (unfounded!) confidence.  This has truly been an exercise in fake it until you make it, and make it I might just! 

 It feels almost surreal that this is actually happening.  Childcare has gone off (mostly) without a hitch.   Isabella has done well with the sitter.  The first day I went the sitter explained I was going to school just like the Bubble Guppies and that seemed to do the trick.  So now anytime I go anywhere we just tell Isabella I am going to school (like 90% of the time it is totally the truth). 

Hoping I still feel this way in the months to come!

Minimalism

In my quest for peace, it has become abundantly clear that when striving for more...

more money....more status...more possessions...comes more stress.

Even when striving for more of things that appear beneficial...

more education...more friends...more professional experiences...stress can increase.

Now a lack of any of the above can be stressful as well, so I'm guessing the key is to find the right balance.  I am sure that this balance is different for each of us, and so I am currently trying to find the right area for me to cut back first.  I am in the process of reading several books on minimalism.  While many of them focus on reducing clutter in regard to physical possessions, a number of them look at ways of reducing mental clutter as well. 

One of the first books I read this year was An Unhurried Life: Following Jesus' Rhythms of Work and Rest by Alan Fadling.   To this point I have only seen my ability to accomplish tasks quickly and efficiently as a strength.  However as Fadling points out:  "In my preoccupation with efficiency, I miss much that God wants to do in my life and say to me in the moment. Hurry rushes toward the destination and fails to enjoy the journey.".  While it has felt SUPER strange to actively minimize my tasks in both quantity and pace, I have already experienced some peace from this shift in thinking.

Another great read this month has been Soulful Simplicity: How Living with Less Can Lead to So Much More by Courtney Carver.  Carver discussed both minimizing physical possessions and reducing busyness.  While I feel like I was a beast in reducing clutter up in this joint over the last year, she even discussed reducing two areas I guess I previously felt were off limits:  clothes that still fit/are wearable and sentimental items.  

The first I jumped on right away.  She talked about reducing your closet down to 33 items-uh, yeah, that was a hard no, BUT I was able to pare my wardrobe down to things I really did enjoy wearing AND could fit all four seasons of clothing into my side of the closet.  Previously I had fall/winter and spring/summer wardrobes that were rotated with the off season stuff in a trunk and plastic bins.  Some of these articles of clothing I bought my first and second year of teaching!  While I had technically worn all of it over the course of the last few years there were A LOT of items that I felt I could honestly say I had gotten every penny out of them!  Three garbage bags of clothes found their way to Goodwill and one found its final resting place in the trash (jeans with frayed bottoms, shirts with stains or small holes you could only see if you were looking for them, etc.).  It felt super freeing!  The sentimental items I'm still not sure about.  I have three large plastic tubs in the attic that contain ticket stubs, programs, cards, etc. that go all the way back to elementary school.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about actively trying to delete these items from my life (which may also inadvertently delete any accompanying memories:( but it is something I may consider...maybe this summer?  Yeah, let's say that.  This summer:).

Reducing busyness has been a little tricker as, just with thoughts being something I thought were a non-negotiable in my life, always feeling like I should be DOING something has been tough instinct to extinguish.  Currently I am making some progress in things like not (constantly) trying to do something on my phone, but I'm thinking this will be a tougher nut to crack than some of the others.

Calm

Prayer has definitely sustained me through some challenging times.  That said I feel like I sometimes need something specific to "do" to replace feelings of stress and anxiety.  Fortunately God has sent help for people like my by way of meditation.  While some feel meditation works in direct conflict with Christianity I sincerely feel it is a tool the Lord provides that allows us to better follow His word and guidance.  The specific tool He sent to me was an app called Calm.  It. is. AMAZING.

As someone who previously couldn't go two seconds without a thought, the meditations have provided me with specific strategies for how to stop recurring thoughts, grasping on to thoughts, or, sometimes, avoiding thoughts all of which take up unnecessary time and energy.  Calm also helped me to see that, like so many other things, thoughts can be addicting.  I had always assumed that thoughts were something to which I mostly had a passive presence, but I now realize that they while they are something I can't always control I can control my response to them.  It's crazy that while working through my (many) control issues I never realized this before.  These exercises have also brought to light a new understanding of 2 Corinthians 10:5.

I love finding God's fingerprint in the most unexpected places:).

The New Way We Do Church

Ugh, so we tried sooo hard to get Isabella to be down with going to the nursery at church but after a Christmas Eve meltdown that lasted pretty much the whole service (our friend was working in one of the other rooms and saw people taking turns toting our crying kid around in an effort to calm her:( we decided we needed to stop forcing the issue for now.

J.T. suggested we try taking her and watching service from the TV in the coffee shop in our church lobby to try to get her acclimated with us being with her.  So I packed a backpack of stuff to try to keep her occupied and they have some toys in the lobby as well so we made our first attempt.  We ended up taking turns walking around with her until I finally gave up and turned Bubble Guppies on my phone for her to watch (SMH).

We will keep trying for a couple weeks.  Though I'm not thinking this may not be what we are looking for, but appreciate J.T. for trying to come up with a potential solution.

Interesting side note-there are normally about a handful of families with toddlers about Isabella's age out in the lobby wandering around as well.  Both last Sunday and this Sunday I noticed they were all girls.  What is up with girls born in 2017?  Give your mamas and daddies a break, will ya:)?!?!

And then there was one...

When I began this how childcare provider gig I, for some reason, pictured myself working with six kids.  Isabella and five other faceless little people.  Interestingly by late fall of the first year I in fact had a rotation of six kiddos including my own.  However, with time, circumstances and personal preferences (I don't teach any kid but my own how to sleep AND I no longer take kiddos before 8am) we have whittled down to just my own sweet girl and her partner in crime AJ.

The last hanger on-Andie-just had a baby sister born in December and her family decided that her mom would stay home with girls.  So once we hit Christmas we said a final farewell to sweet Andie.

While it was nice having a trio, the duo makes it waaaay easier to get out of the house during the day which turns out to be pretty important to my sanity. 

Traffic in this area is INSANE so it was waaay easier to go to the library, kids gym, kids museum, etc. during the day when traffic is much lighter than in the evening so 2019 has already started with less stress in the keeping my kid entertained department.  Small victory toward a more peaceful existence.

Let's Do This Thing

When I applied for a doctoral program I think my perception of the dissertation was something like the longest report I would every write in my life.  So with that I figured I know how to write papers and reports so I would just have to put my nose to the grindstone and bang it out.  Hard work?  Sure.  But never in a million years did I think getting from the inception of my dissertation proposal to actually beginning to conduct the research would have taken one full calendar year. 

Yet here we are almost exactly one year since my dissertation proposal class began and just today I had the first introductory meeting with my first participant.  I now have a much better understanding as to why only 50% of PhD students actually finish.  I also have a better understanding as to why God positioned things to allow me to work on it while my profession is officially SAHM.  If I had tried to to do this, raise a toddler, and work full time?  LOL for days as I would for sure be living on the other side of this statistic.

But--long awaited--squeal!  I am ready to roll.

My plans to graduate in May went up in smoke when I couldn't begin my research in the fall.  My dissertation chair mentioned something about the possibility of an August graduation.  My worst case scenario at this point is December.  Fingers crossed there are no major bumps in the road moving forward and that, like a play the dress rehearsal aka dissertation proposal process disaster means a near flawless performance or in this case dissertation process and defense!

OneWord365 2019 Edition

I had always been a New Year's Resolution person with some years being more successful than others, but this OneWord thing has been amazing.  With resolutions it was kind of cut and dried.  I was successful or not.  There was little room for life to happen and revision to take place.  However with this OneWord365 it provides a focus without the potential for impending failure which takes off the pressure and allows it to take shape and grow organically.

So this year I am building off of last year's word.  I have gotten a taste and I want more. 

I need more. 

It's time for more. 

God has done an amazing job of setting me up to recognize this, accept this, and has already put tools in place and wheels in motion.

My OneWord365 word for 2019 is: