I have been angry at God for weeks now, which is not a place I want to be. My spiritual maturity, while it has grown exponentially in the last few years, is still that of an adolescent As a result, I have spent the last month or so acting like a petulant teenager in my relationship with God.
Haven't been to church (or even watched online) since early June. I have stopped reading or listening to the Bible daily as I had been doing for the last 3.5 years. I spent a while not talking to Him at all. I spent a few days just telling Him how angry I was at Him. The only two spiritual outlets I have faithfully turned to all summer have been my Christian music stations and our Community Group.
In classic "What came first-the chicken or the egg?" format, I now find myself asking "Did I turn away from God because I was angry or did I become angry because I turned away from God?". I honestly don't know. But here I am slowly digging out of a pit of despair.
Over the last few days my hardened heart has begun to soften and I have heard God on two fronts. One on the front of doubt. Through this whole process I have never doubted God. His timing & plan are perfect. I have been doubting myself-thinking that I wasn't understanding or hearing the things He wanted me to do. I came to the revelation this past week, that he is GOD. If I wasn't listening or understanding He would just talk louder, send a more clear sign, or do something that would help ensure that I was in fact heeding His message.
The second front is "Why in the world is this taking sooooo long?". We have been trying to become parents for FIVE YEARS without so much as a single positive pregnancy test, potential match, or whisper of a child in any way, shape or form joining our family. While I still don't know, I did come to realize that there are ways in which God is using our childlessness for what I can only assume is His purpose.
Last year the night before the first day of school, I was convinced that it was going to be my last first day of school for a while. Clearly it wasn't and tomorrow may not be my last first day of school either. I have finished decorating my office. I have developed year long plans for staff development much of which I plan to lead. We have even begun to make vacation plans for spring break.
Accepting where I am instead of where I want to be is so, so very hard. However, I am making Psalm 23:1 my new mantra.