Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

Despite being opposite in just about every way, my mom and I get along very well.  We talk twice a week and see each other every other month or so, but living 8 hours away from one another may help!).  There have only been a few exceptions.

I was 23 and about to start my second year of teaching.  My first year was kind of a mess, so I was determined for year two to be better.  My cousin was getting married in PA the weekend before the first day of school.  I had RSVPd "yes", but the day before realized I had too much left to do to get ready for school to go so I canceled and my mom was pissed!  I sent a nice check to make up for my absence, but my mom was hurt and upset that I wasn't there.  She got over it, but it was tense for a couple days.

Fast forward 7 years to MY wedding.  We were trying to keep to a particular budget and at my mom's suggestion used a family friend as our photographer.  When she dropped the pictures off we noticed that there must have been damage to her lens because there was a blurry dot in the same spot toward the middle of EVERY picture.  I immediately burst into tears.  I wasn't mad, just disappointed.  My mom felt bad so she started to cry.  Nothing could be done about it so we moved on, but it was tense for a couple of hours.

Fast forward 7 more years.  We have shared with several targeted groups about our IVF journey.  Our immediate families, our church community group (3/4 of which have experienced infertility), select college friends (most of whom experienced infertility or loss), and my mom's best friend.  That was how we intended for it to stay until we were ready to announce towards the end of our first trimester.

Saturday morning I got a text from my cousin.  "Hey lady.. Your mom told us last night exciting news .... We will keep you and JT in our prayers and please let us know how your sonogram goes ... Praying for u πŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌ".  

Uhh, come again?!?  Why was my mom announcing MY pregnancy?  I hadn't explicitly told her not to tell anyone, but assumed it was understood that this was OUR news to share when and how we wanted to!  After processing for a bit I figured she was just excited.  I called and talked to my sister (who lives with my parents) and nonchalantly fished for who all my parents had shared our news with.  Well turns out it was all my aunts and uncles and my cousins on my mom's side.  My sister said everyone was happy and that my cousin's wife had tears in her eyes.  That would have been a great moment to have been a part of...My mom stole our thunder!

My mom must have realized her faux pas because the next day she sent an email apologizing.  I gave her a call ready to put it behind us.  Then she said something that made me ask a few more questions. Turns out she not only told them that we are expecting...but also it was through IVF...with donor eggs.  We are not embarrassed about either of those two things; however, if people have not had any experience with IF it can be really confusing.  I imagine we would have told them eventually, but on our terms.  I guess on the bright side it's one less decision to make as to what those terms are:(.

I started to cry, which led to my mom feeling even worse and she started to cry.  She put my dad on who felt just as bad.  Ultimately nothing can be changed.  It can't be undone.  I still have no earthly idea what they were thinking, but know they were not ill-intended.  After feeling sad and disappointed Sunday night, we realized we just needed to move on.  

We will just need to be very explicit moving forward...

Friday, August 26, 2016

Land mines

Sorry for the MIA status this week!  It has been CRAZY busy with the teachers coming back to school, my own classes starting, back to school night, etc.  Still doing well.  Felt a little yucky/queasy a few morning this week, but not actually sick.

Also it varies as to what food sounds good to me.  The delicious s'mores cake I made for company on Sunday and happily consumed leftovers of Monday and Tuesday has not sounded good at ALL to me yesterday or today.  I will be so glad when we get to the ultrasound next Friday as I would much prefer that kind of assurance that all is well than kind of hoping I was full on puking with morning sickness (gross, right?!?!).

Once upon a time I envisioned JT and I keeping a pregnancy under wraps until we were safely passing the threshold into the second trimester.  However, 6 years and an IVF in, those plans got altered somewhat.  Instead there are about 20 family members and friends who already know and have known just about everything we have known every step of the way.

Our parents get phone calls at each juncture.  Other family members and friends are updated by text or email.  Only my brother randomly got any semblance of a cute announcement:




It is still our intention to hold off announcements to the rest of the world until we are about to cross or crossing into trimester 2.  Which means we/I may have some interesting land mines to dodge between now and the beginning of October.

Last Friday I went out to a birthday dinner for a friend.  Only two of the dozen people present know anything about our IF struggles and they both knew we were doing IVF this summer.  It was not the right setting for sharing with them (there was no way to do it discretely), so I stayed mum.  However, I also drank my Sprite without getting any questions (I was fully prepared to say I was on allergy medicine that I could not mix with booze), so land mind avoided.  

I have avoided carrying items at work which was pretty tricky at times this week given all the back to school deliveries coming and going.  We are also going to my school staff party to night.  It is off campus and BYOB and in the last 6 years I have always BYOB'ed:).   Fingers crossed tonight is a repeat of last Friday and no one notices!

Friday, August 19, 2016

Three for Three

Was looking to be around 1200 today for Beta and came in just over 2000!  We continue this adventure in a positive direction:).

It is nice to know that even though my eggs have passed their expiration date, the oven still works!  Even with all of babbling last week, I failed to mention one of my biggest fears.  I was scared that a negative beta would mean that my body failed us once again.  It would mean that J.T. and Hannah (the name I have given our egg donor) successfully contributed and that I let the team down.  Logically I know that wouldn't have been true and no one would have blamed me, but I am so grateful to be on the other side and to have been able to provide a home that has allowed for life to grow.

Next up is an ultrasound on September 2 when I will be at 7 weeks (I broke down and asked the nurse when she called yesterday), meaning I am currently at 5 weeks.  God's got this though.  He knew I would be anxious so He scheduled the next two weeks to keep me busy:  teachers come back next week, kids the week after that PLUS I start my three fall classes over the next two weeks so I should have plenty to do to keep my mind occupied!


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

2nd Beta & Weird Math

Good news...125 on Friday became 564 on Monday!  Little friend(s) = growing like (a) weed(s)!

I went in at 8:30 again, so thought we would get a return call at about the same time as we did on Friday.  11:00 turned to 12:00-no call.  I began to get nervous thinking that they needed to talk to the doctor because something was funky.  I called our donor team (they called with the beta on Friday) and left a message saying I was going into a meeting at 1:00 and would be able to step out.  This was technically true, though if push came to shove and the phone rang I would have been out of that room in a flash!  Meeting wrapped up a little after 2:00 and still no call.  We technically have two nursing teams (the donor team and then our regular doctor's team), so I called the other team to see if I would have more luck.

Fortunately, they picked up right away.  When she checked the results weren't in the system yet, but she immediately offered to call the lab (love her!).  When she came back on and gave me results I cried (sitting on the outside steps right beside our administrative building!) and immediately texted J.T.    After processing it all, I am leaning toward cautiously optimistic as J.T. has fully camped out in just plain excited, so one of us has to stay (somewhat) grounded:).





I'm glad beta math is working well because figuring out how pregnant I am math is not so much:).

We begin teaching calendar math in kindergarten.  This is all the math you need to know for tracking the average pregnancy as most women just have to remember the date of the first day of their last period (for those who have not been obsessively tracking their cycles for years I may be overestimating how easy it is), and that date is used to determine the pregnancy timeline (for example I started my last period on July 9, so I am 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant).

Evidently IVF calendar math is more advanced:





J.T. said I should just ask, but where's the fun in that?!?!


Friday, August 12, 2016

I've Never Seen One Do that Before;)



Beta #1 was a success-125!  It wasn't all smooth sailing though.  When I arrived and checked in, the receptionist kindly informed me that I wasn't scheduled until MONDAY-uh, what now?!?!   She said she would go back and double check.  She came back a moment later and said our nurse said it was too early.  Mathematically she may have been correct, but from a sanity perspective and following doctors orders I was right on time!  I stayed remarkably calm if I do say so myself and politely asked if I could speak with the nurse, she said yes but asked me to have a seat.  I was positive they had said the 12th AND J.T. had immediately input the information into our shared Google calendar when they told us and it said August 12th at 8:30 (I was on time!).

This is what I explained to the nurse when she came to get me a few minutes later.  She explained that I could test today, but the number might not quite be at the 50 she had told me we were looking for earlier in the week.  Fine by me!  She said the results normally take about 2 hours and she would probably call between 10:30-11:00.

J.T. had planned to take a half day as the same email that mentioned the 50 said that she would call us with the results in the afternoon.  When I let him know what was happening, he said he would try to get home a little bit earlier.  We had already discussed before I left this morning that if I got a call before he was home I would let it go to voicemail so we could listen together.

I got home at about 9:30 and tried to stay busy.  I took the puppies to the vet, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, took the puppies for a walk, ran the dishwasher, picked up sticks from the yard, did a little weeding and STILL had time to kill.  The phone rang at 11:30 (yes, yes I was about to tear my hair out!) and I let it go to voicemail.  Turns out it was J.T. so I called him right back-he was just leaving.  About 5 minutes later the phone rang again-it was our REs office-and with Herculean strength I let it go to voicemail and left my cell phone in the den.  For the next 20 minutes or so I looked through photo albums (it was kind of nice as it something I don't do often enough) until J.T. got home.

We sat down on the couch, huddled together like to little kids in a storm, as we listened to the message:

"Hi Beth, it's S.  Good news-your test came back positive.  Your number is 125 which is a good first number.  It is still very, very early.  We want you to come back in on Monday for your second test.  We are looking for the number to double so are looking for something between 200-250..."

Tears (mostly me!), hugs, and kisses.  That's all I can remember after we listened to the message.   We then called our parents (both our moms and I think my dad all cried).

We are still trying to take things one day at a time, but have been basking in the glow of our excitement ever since.

Thanks be to God who has brought us to this point and will continue to lead us in the days ahead.





Thursday, August 11, 2016

Signs of Hope & Promises from Truth

I am feeling SO much better then I did at the beginning of the week!  I feel more at peace and hopeful about what lays ahead:).  I am going to use this post to organize some of the signs of hope I have seen over the last days (and months!).

The first sign actually came in the spring.  From somewhere within I had a sense that we would welcome a child into our home in 2017.  No other details provided:).   I can only imagine that God laid these words on my heart.  During this entire journey I don't recall having any other intuitive experience like this.  In the chaos that has been my thoughts over the last few weeks I had nearly forgotten!

This next one is more practical, but we pay off both of cars in April (if things continue in a positive direction I will be due in April).  Between my previous student loans being in deferment and no more car payments (knock on wood the cars continue to run well after they are paid off!) we will have nearly $1000 of cushion in our budget.  More than enough to cover the needs of a tiny baby or two:).

The next one was shared with be by my mom about two weeks ago.  Her best friends said she had a good feeling about things as someone had just returned to her a high chair she had lent out years ago (her youngest grandchild is almost 7).  She said it is a sign that it will be needed soon and she can now lend it to my mom when we come to visit:).

Then late this morning (after I initially published this post), I got a call from our IVF meds pharmacist in Georgia to see how we were doing with our progesterone inventory.  Thank God they called!  JT had asked me to call them today since we won't have enough to get through the weekend if we get good news tomorrow.  Somehow I forgot!  I think God tried to whisper a reminder when I overheard JT calling his pharmacy about a prescription.  Nope, didn't trigger me to remember.  I think at that point God figured He needed to shout, so just had the pharmacy call me directly:).  They are overnighting 10 doses-phew.  The most optimistic part of me sees this was His way of ensuring we had enough to keep going.  At the very least He helped ensure I didn't let my husband down!

This last "sign" comes from the word of God, so in addition to bringing hope also comes as a promise from truth.  The following comes from the website Strong in Faith:


God does not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly (Psalms 84:11). In the Bible, every instance of a person that sought God to conceive and birth children eventually had a child.


The scripture states that God is not a respecter of persons and will not show partiality or favoritism. IF God answered these prayers will he not answer yours? 

Yes, I think He will.  If not this time, I have faith it is coming.






Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Priority Readjustment

I have been so blessed over the last week that God has continued to speak to my heart even when my mind and my emotions have been such a mess.  I am even more thankful that the fog of emotions seems to be dissipating which has allowed for the my thinking to become more clear.

This morning God reminded me of living with joy in Him.  This led me to once again searching for the what joy in Him looks like.  This search led me to John Piper.  Three video segments in, John Piper's message shed light on the fact that I am still holding children as an idol in my heart.

I believe I have (for the most part) given over control of the path to parenthood to God and to J.T.  I have asked God to remove the desire for children from my heart if having children is not His will for my life.  He has not removed the desire, so I am led to believe that having children is a part of His will for me life.  That being said what I have also done to my detriment, over the last few weeks especially, is to place this desire for children above me desire for Him.

He has allowed me to see is that I have one again gotten my priorities out of whack.  Instead of putting each priority in it's proper place (1.  God , everything else comes after that). I seem to have been living under the erroneous set of priorities (1.  Having children  2. myself and my feelings  3.  God).  I have continued to pray, I have continued to read the bible, I have continued to seek God out, but in regard to what was holding my heart it was unfortunately not Him.  These disordered priorities are clear in the distressful thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing (especially over the last few days).

Dear Heavenly Father,
Please remove the idol of having children from my heart.  Please help me to place you back in your proper place as #1.  If it is your will for me to have children, please keep this desire alive but help me put it in the back seat behind You and my marriage.  In your holy and precious name I pray.

Amen 

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Peace and Hope

My fervent prayer for today and the next 4 days is to be filled with peace and hope.

Peace that I have done (and will continue to do) all that I can to make this IVF successful.  Peace that God has it covered (and has had it covered all along).  Peace that NO Amount of anxiety, doubt or fear can pierce.  I am going to imagine this peace as a bubble surrounding me and the evil one and his draining thoughts are not welcome!

I am also generating thoughts of hope.  Hope that this IS the time and the manner in which God planned for us to start our family.  Hope that our growth in faith, growth in character and growth in marriage allows for us to be the parents He had always intended for us to be.  I am going to look for signs of hope from God over the coming days.  Signs of hope for our future.


I think all of the praying, journaling, and blogging is starting to pay off.  The dark clouds and anxious feelings gripping my gut dissipated today, so hopefully I have turned a corner and these final three days of waiting can be filled with peace and hope...

Monday, August 8, 2016

Doubt


It comes as no surprise to me that comparing is not the only root of my anxiety as we move toward Friday. And it also comes as no surprise that the light was shed by God during my quiet time this morning.  It comes as no surprise as I know that God knows every hair on my head.  I know that He loves me like His very dearest child, that He only wants good things for me, and that His plan for my life is better than I could ever imagine for myself.  Yet, knowing all of these things I still have lingering doubt, but I don't think my doubt is in HIM rather I doubt ME!

Despite the long list of things I wrote out yesterday that I can concretely SEE as positive movement toward our dream over the last 6 months, I am still plagued with doubt that I have not done what He wants me to do or that it is even possible that this is in fact may be His plan for us.  Over the last 6 years, I believe He has told us to wait and to think that the answer might now be yes seems unbelievable.  I don't disbelieve in the least that He is able, I think I have come to believe I am not worthy of such a miraculous gift:(.

Unlike my list from yesterday, there is nothing in God's truth that supports these thoughts and feelings have left me underserving of the joy these tiny babies may bring, I need God's strength to overcome this doubt.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are so good.  Despite me standing in my own way I do TRUST in YOU.  In fact, I think I have come to a place where I can NOT TRUST ME at all.  I have laid everything at your feet, but hear the evil one whispering into my ear and by listening to his lies am doing nothing but making things MORE DIFFICULT for MYSELF.  I am in what my WEAKEST time of this whole journey and need to replace this weakness with YOUR STRENGTH.   Please HELP ME to turn a deaf ear to the lies.  Please HELP me get out of my own way and to focus solely on YOUR GOODNESS.  MORE OF YOU, LESS OF ME.

In your holy and precious name I pray.  Amen.     





Sunday, August 7, 2016

What Does a Dead President Know about IF? Turns Out He Knows a Lot!

                                                

I began the bad habit of comparing myself to others at an early age.  I compared my appearance, body shape, weight, academic ability, athletic ability, musical talent, etc. against that of my friends and peers.  I would feel badly about falling short in some areas and so would make changes as I could.  In areas in which I couldn't make changes I would feel badly at times, but tried to focus more on the good than the bad.  I suppose this tendency to compare and the bouts of self doubt were typical of being and adolescent, teenager and young adult.

I foolishly assumed that maturity would eradicate this compulsion to compare, but rather it simply became more ingrained into who I was.  The habit continued into adulthood, though some of the areas of comparisons changed.  Continued were my comparisons related to appearance, but now I also compared teacher ability/test scores/evaluations and relationship status.  The attention of my comparisons also became increasingly intense regarding life's milestones (getting engaged, getting married, buying a home, having children).

Comparing myself to others clearly became problematic on that last milestone and over the last few years I have become more aware of and have attempted to diminish the comparing I do of myself to others (or vice versa!).  I thought I had been getting better until I really began to study the root of my anxiety and what was causing my normally optimistic self to become such a ball of doom and gloom regarding the potential success of our IVF.  Props to God for shedding light on the cause of my distress (or at least one of them).

For the last 5 years I have been reading anecdote after anecdote, story after story of couples' struggles through the turmoil of IF.  Some struggles resolve successfully and through IVF, adoption, or an unexpected natural BFP a child or children are welcomed into the couple's home.  Others never find success and 4...5...6 IVFs later the couple has decided to live childless either by choice at this point or childless not by choice or they have found themselves divorced after the strain of IF became too much or they found themselves still drifting aimlessly though life knowing they want to have children but don't know what to do next.  While still others have glimmers of success to only have these glimmers of hope dashed by miscarriage, still birth or a birth mother's choice to parent.   No two experiences are the same, but I have read enough emotional horror stories, that the concept of "happily ever after" has become a foreign concept.  All of this has to led to me living in my head comparing our circumstances to only those who fall in the latter two categories.

When I review how we got to where we are today:   I see prayerful decision making.  I see deference to my husband's leadership when I was at a loss.  I see conferring with Godly counsel through our pastor.  I see conferring with medical counsel and making a decision that statistically made the most sense.  I see God gracing us with the financial ability to under go IVF using donor eggs.  I see a relatively smooth decision making process when choosing an egg donor and getting our IVF cycle started.  I see J.T. and I making healthy (though admittedly imperfect) decisions regarding diet and exercise.  I see successful monitoring appointments where the doctors and nurses saw what was needed for IVF to be successful.  I see the development of two beautifully formed embryos and I see their smooth transfer into my womb.  I see signs that the progesterone is working and that I am continuing to make decisions that support a healthy pregnancy.

Short story long, I see the makings of a success story.  This is not some one else's story.  This is OUR story and it will play out the way God has intended.   I need to stop allowing comparison to steal the joy God has blessed me with at this stage of our journey.





Friday, August 5, 2016

Anxiety & Bumps


Things are looking a little better today.  I came up with a plan to stay busy this weekend (free museum weekend for several of the museums in our city, so I will be visiting all five over the course of Saturday and Sunday-one with my brother and the others with J.T. or on my own).  I also have planned for us to go out to dinner and to a (semi?) professional Lacrosse game.  Sunday we will also go to church.  So Saturday and Sunday I should be set, but today?  Not so much.

I offered to babysit for a friend with a 7 month old, but her parents are in town visiting.  That actually worked out for the best because I had not considered that I should not be lifting a nearly 20 pound child, until after I had offer and J.T. pointed this it out as well when I told him my idea.    So no babysitting, but J.T. is going to meet me for lunch.  I am also planning to do some yoga today (gotta try something new though), answer a parent email, read some more of my book, stalk message boards , stop by a craft store and see if there is a craft I can find to do.  J.T. does not like board games, but I may be able to convince him to play one with me this evening (though when I brought it up he suggested I find a game for the Play Station!).  Unfortunately there are NO movies in theaters or to rent, so that's out.  But with all I have come up with I should be set to get through the weekend.

I think the message boards are increasing my anxiety (even the ones not related to IF), so I am going to get one more hit after this post and then try to go cold turkey for the rest of the day.  Unless, I get some responses to a questions I posted this morning but then I will ONLY check those responses.  I also sent my nurse team the same question so maybe they will respond first.  What was the question, you ask?  Well, let me tell you.

Progesterone injections had been going pretty well (the actual injection part) until last night.  You see I have developed these bumps that now cover each of the injection sites and when J.T. had to inject into one last night it REALLY HURT!  From what I understand the lump forms from the oil not being evenly dispersed.  We heat the oil and I lay on the heating pad to try to disperse it (though before transfer I was using the heating pad over night which is no longer a good idea with my new little friends in tow).  The only thing we haven't done is massage the oil in after the shot (hard to do that and use heat at the same time!), so I am hoping someone has a good answer though I have a feeling I am just stuck:( (no pun intended!).





Thursday, August 4, 2016

Distractions

This email exchange encapsulates how I kept my mind occupied yesterday:

That worked out very well for yesterday, but today has been a different story:(.  I woke up feeling anxious.  Texted a friend who just got pregnant via her second round of IVF.  Her advice was to relax and stay busy.  The first part I am struggling with.  I went to work and distracted myself there pretty well since class assignments are about to be mailed and before they even got to the mailbox I have had two parents express concern about their child's placement.  Normally this would annoy me, but honestly it is probably good to have something else to focus on for a while.  

Once I was done at work I stopped by the mall and found some great sales, but unsure as to what size I may be in the coming weeks/months I hesitated to buy anything.  Then I came home to read my book.  It is the latest Lianne Moriarty which I held off buying until this week as I knew I would be able to get into and that it would be a good read.  Welp got to page 100 and discovered the big secret they were building up to was a couple doing donor egg IVF and needing a donor--are you kidding me?!?!  

I am meeting a friend to go walking this evening to which J.T. responded "No!  You need to rest.".  However, when I told him I was getting anxious and thought some LIGHT exercise would help he backed off.  He pointed out on Tuesday I am the hippy in our relationship, and he is the worrier.  He is trying really hard to help now that I have left the hippy camp and moved into worrier camp.

On top of all of the above I have also prayed, mediated on scripture, and God even provided me with the perfect worship song this afternoon as I was driving home (I will post below).  I need to believe what I am saying out loud to my people.  "I have some light cramping.  Our little friends must be building their duplex!".  I am honestly picturing them nestling in and when I feel little pinches and cramping (light) mostly on my right but starting today also down on the bottom left I HAVE to believe that they are here to stay.  Thinking anything else is clearly driving me insane!  If I happen to be wrong, I will deal with it when the time comes.  Now off to plan some distractions!

   

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Butterflies & Blastocysts

Monday's to-do list bled into yesterday, which turned out to be a wonderful thing because while I expected to still be anxious I was not expecting the full on butterflies attack I experienced.

I do not get butterflies very often.  The last time I remember actually having them was in the early stages of dating J.T.  While there have been TONS of things I have been anxious about since then, that beautiful entanglement of excitement and nerves has proven elusive.

J.T. made a great attempt of talking the butterflies out without success, so I just kept busy putzing around with laundry...the dishwasher...cutting up a watermelon I bought over the weekend.  ANYTHING that would keep me moving and not watching the clock!

Finally, 11:30 rolled around and we were on our way.  We arrived a few minutes before 12, filled out our consent, and then I got to take my very first ever Valium.  We sat for less than 5 minutes, and then was led back to our little space to get ready.  We both donned our gowns, booties, and "hair" nets (J.T.'s head is practically clean shaven!).  Though only one of us got to keep our bottoms on underneath the gowns.

We prayed and joked around until our doctor stepped in for a moment to let us know that we had 2 beautiful blastocysts!  Before I move on, a brief science lesson:

blastocyst is an embryo which has been left to develop until day 5 or 6 and presents a complex cellular structure formed by approximately 200 cells. The blastocyst phase is the development stage prior to implantation of the embryo in the mother's uterus.

After the doctor stepped back out, J.T. actually high fived me.  I have never seen him high five anyone in my life!  I now equate high fives with J.T. highest level possible of excitement:).

 At 12:30 on the nose, they took us back to the operating room.  The embryologist came in and gave us a picture of our two new little friends.



The actual procedure went relatively smoothly. They had to change out the catheter once because my cervix was being stubborn, but after that it was like butter.  When the screen showed our two new friends I couldn't stop the waterworks (no loud sobbing, just a steady stream of joyful tears).  Even now just remembering I am tearing up.

For 6 years almost to the day, we have hoped, planned and prayed for a child, and while we have done many, many (oh so many) things to make it happen this was the first time we have ever gotten to experience a glimpse of possibility that our dreams may in fact come true.  We still have a LONG way to go, but to have taken this next step was nothing short of a miracle.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Day 3 Fertilization Report


The lab called yesterday morning and all three embryos are still growing-yay!!!!!  

They called first thing which I am so appreciative of as waiting for the phone to ring all day would have been torture.

On day 3, they look for embryos that are larger than five cells and have less than 20% fragmentation.  We have a 7 cell and a 6 cell with 10% fragmentation and a slow poke 4 cell with 5% fragmentation.  So that, along with my blood work from this morning, means we are ready to roll for Tuesday.  They told us to be there at 12, so transfer will probably be at about 12:30.

I have shifted from a looking one week at a time to trying to focus on one DAY at a time.  There are too many thoughts, feelings, and potential rabbit holes if I look beyond the next 24 hours.   

Today I am focusing on getting school stuff taken care of so they do not need to reach out to me and I can put my email on vacation responder for the next two days.  Looking to clean the house, finish grocery shopping/meal planning for the week, and mowing so that I don't have to worry about any of that for the remainder of the week.  I also have a presentation for class and an assignment due Wednesday night, but I will finalize those two things today.  The presentation is focused more on the "art" of presenting rather than content so while I don't love public speaking I have enough experience under my belt that I should do ok presenting for a group of 16 without too much stress (fingers crossed!).  Now I would like to note that so far I have been up for almost three hours and haven't done anything except work on school emails, create a new playlist, and read message boards so I need to get my ass in gear before I leave for class at 4:30 if I want to actually complete this stuff!

J.T. is taking tomorrow off so he can go to the transfer and then "take care of me" (his words:) for the rest of the day.  We also have a friend who has offered to bring us dinner.  Those are the only two scheduled things we have for tomorrow.  So my plan for the morning (other than obsessively check the time, I'm sure!) is to:
  •  download the new Liane Moriarty book.  
  • Do some yoga (4 times in a month counts towards my goal, right?!?).  
  • Rent The Jerk and another comedy or two  (there was a study that showed that laughter helped with implantation after egg transfer-on this front I have also asked J.T. to remind me to read the humor section of my Pinterest board while I am laying on the table immediately after).

I intend to stay on the couch from the time we come home tomorrow until it's time to get ready for class on Wednesday (class is at 5).  That will give me 24 hours of "bed"rest after transfer.  

I am now getting too far ahead of myself, so I will stop for now and just focus on this little game plan and the following verse: