Feel Like Myself Again!

I had my second counseling appointment today and I was proud to have completed almost all of the assignments she had sent me home with.

J.T. took bedtime and Isabella's first feeding on Saturday night.  While I did wake up when she cried for the feeding it felt luxurious to stay in bed.  I ended up getting about 5-6 hours of basically uninterrupted sleep and it was amazing.  The next day I had some brainstorms on various topic.  I had not had a brainstorm in months and it felt so good!

Tonight, our "night nurse" (a TA from my school who took the job when her college aged daughter and friends declined) is coming and I will-gasp-get to sleep from 10-6.  It's almost too good to be true!

Added to all of that Isabella is hitting some longer stretches (4 hours or so) and more consistently getting up twice, I feel like myself again.

I also went prepared to discuss the possibility of an "as needed" medication and whether what I am experiencing is really PPD or Postpartum Stress Disorder.

Immediately she could see/feel a difference in me.  She noted that as needed medication can be more habit forming so we agreed to table the idea of medication for now.  She also feels based on all we have discussed that if we were going to name what I had experienced she feels it is one of PPDs other off-shoots-Postpartum Anxiety.

We also discussed the potential adoption.  She had understood that the 6 months was a freeze period and that we would casually foray back in at that point.  When she realized that it was our hope/intention/plan to match and potentially bring home another newborn in 6 months she noted she was very concerned.

Feeling like myself again, I straight up told her:

"If our roles were reversed and I was sitting in your chair I would feel exactly the same way.   Here you have a woman you are treating for Postpartum mental health needs who is telling you that she is possibly looking at adding another newborn to her family ASAP--that seems crazy!  That being said there are three factors that will be different.  Number one-I have spent almost three decades working with little kids, but having a newborn knocked me on my ass.  I was totally unprepared and even thought this next baby's needs will be different I will not undergo the shock factor I just experienced.  

Two-the physical complications of actually giving birth and recovering also took a major toll on me. My previous major health issues had been infertility (which was basically a void), the removal of my wisdom teeth, and hypothyroidism, so three hospital visits and over a week's worth of hospital stays was not easy to say the least.  Again, not going to come into play with adoption.  

Finally, in the event of two newborns/infants I am asking my mom to stay with us for a month!"

This little speech seemed to put the counselor at ease and I think gave her greater insight into the real me.  We decided that we wouldn't schedule another appointment and that I would just reach back out should the need arise.

As we were wrapping up, we also discussed that while I am out and about and getting to interact with other moms, there aren't a lot of SAHM that were school leaders or are in the process of pursuing a doctorate so when meeting potential new mom friends there's not always much of a connection beyond the fact that we are both moms.  The counselor explained that she had experienced this herself, as had a client, and that I needed to be flexible and willing to accept that, should the time come that I realize that I am not cut out to be a SAHM, and that it is ok if my game plan changes.

I needed to hear this.  I had made a lot of progress in recent years in regard to loosening my tight fist on control and having a plan and expecting that plan to lay out exactly as I foresaw them; however, since being pregnant and having Isabella I have re-entered some dangerous territory in that regard.

God must have whispered into this counselor's ear because I needed to hear it as I move forward into this next stage of my life and for that I am thankful.