How do I get there?

I began 2016 with the intention to turn everything under the family planning umbrella over to God and JT.  We are a mere 2.5 months in, have only completed step one of the process (updating my testing) and I am already failing.

My numbers have (not surprisingly) come back really low.  I keep running the same scenarios through my head (using donor embryos, somehow making my defective system work properly, getting a drop in the lap adoption call before we begin IVF, not doing IVF and adopting twins, rinse and repeat).  I cannot seem to just let it go and run its course under JT and God's direction.

I think part of it is habit.  I get new information and immediately feel like I have to do do something with that information (research, make a plan,etc).

That tendency has served me well for most of my life.  It has helped me accomplish goals.  It has brought me a lot of personal and professional success.  I think this cycle of data input, speedy processing, synthesizing and organized plan output is a big component of my leadership capacity.  I do see my ability to lead as one of my God given talents.  That being said just because God gave me this ability does NOT mean I have to use it ALL the time.  There can be too much of a "good" thing and in this arena I AM NOT THE LEADER.

As I was praying this morning, I said out loud that I was handing everything back over to God and J.T., and when my test came (the nurse called back with the rest of my results) I failed miserably by attempting to google each and every result AND by broaching the subject of embryo donation with J.T. AND by (respectfully) trying to share why I was not in favor of donor eggs.  In retrospect the last two are not as much the problem as they are on my mind and in my heart and I did present them calmly and respectfully; however, did it HAVE to be discussed in the waiting room minutes before J.T. went in for his colonoscopy? no.  Did something have to be said/done as soon as I finished listening to the nurse's message?  no.  Do I have to be the one running this show?  NO!

In fact, let's take a moment to consider a totally different scenario.  The nurse left a message.  I listen to the message and relay it to J.T.  Then I ask him what he would like for me to do next. He says "go ahead and make an appointment, I guess".  I call and make the appointment.

In reflection we land exactly in the same spot we are in now-with an appointment scheduled for next Friday to discuss next steps with the doctor, but in this new scenario I have not me brought complete needless myself stress and worry (what to choose?, what if it doesn't work?, what if?, what if?, what if?) in the process.   

I have come to realize at work that even though I am "in charge" I have very little actual control over anything.  It has brought me much peace without changing much else--teachers are still teaching, kids are still learning, and parents are still supportive.  If I could just apply this same line of thinking to this I would be all set, so why can't I?