Honestly I feel like all I have done in 2018 is try to survive. I know that sounds super dramatic, but I was so looking forward to the end of the semester in hopes of getting a break from the stress and here we are and I feel almost as stressed as before!
Classes, comps, and the first three chapters of my dissertation (in draft form) are complete, but replacing them are now health issues (cancer plus Isabella has been sick on and off since the middle of April), overwhelming frustration with our adoption agency (they can't seem to answer even basic questions now like what is your success rate? and often like to remind us that Isabella's birth is what has led it to be more difficult for us to adopt--sweet people aren't they), and the stress of coming fully to terms with having only one child.
Some of these things have got to get better. The good news with a small tumor is that it is not life threatening at the moment. The bad news is that it seems to mean that getting it taken care of is not a top priority. J.T. finally got he kidney stone taken care of and we met the doctor about the tumor. It looks like he will need 4-6 weeks to recover, but they can't seem to commit to when the procedure will take place (apparently it could be months away rather than weeks). J.T.'s anxiety level is super high because he just wants it out!
I keep emailing back and forth with the adoption people though they keep putting off my questions. Our contract ends on June 12. I know J.T. just wants to be done, but I keep trying to figure out how to make peace with a group of people who aren't all bad (they are successful for many of the people they serve), but use a hard sell that makes it seem that as long as you follow their strategy you will be successful. That is not the case as three years and $20,000 later we have come to learn the hard way. I just want to find a way to help others not get taken for the same ride we and our friends have.
I am trying to find some ways to reduce my stress level. Started Couch to 5K again. Making sure to get sleep. Listening to some faith based podcasts. Praying. Hoping these things will help me get my mind right cuz right now it's a mess...
Friday, May 18, 2018
Thursday, May 3, 2018
Early Intervention
Isabella has been walking for months, can climb just about anything, tries to carry things bigger than she is, babbles from sun up to sun down BUT girlfriend has yet to utter even one intentional word used in context. No Mama (in reference to me), No Dada (when referring to J.T.). Though she can babble mamamama, dadadada with the best of them!
So a few weeks ago I took a minute and looked up Early Intervention for our county. One of the milestones they listed was 1-3 words by 12 months, so I decided to give them a call and see what was up. They said they would come to the house and conduct a screening (free of charge). J.T. wasn't super excited when I told him about it (this was before all of the health issues cropped up), but didn't want to stop getting Isabella help if she needed it.
So on Tuesday they came out and gave her a screening. Not surprisingly she was above average in motor skills, average in cognitive and life skills, and qualified for services and additional testing for both receptive and expressive language skills as they noted she had a slight delay in both areas:(.
I took her for a vision and hearing screening today both of which she passed with flying colors. BTW I was very curious as to what a hearing screening for a one year old would look like, but once we did it was super impressed with the work Birth-3 educators do to ensure even the littlest ones get the help they need. What is even more amazing is that all of these screenings, assessments and plan development are free. It is only once you get to the need for additional services that there is a charge on a sliding fee scale.
Two members of the team from Tuesday came back out today and we developed a plan for Isabella. The process totally feels like the IEP process but for babies and toddlers! Thank goodness I had been on the other side of the table before because had I not, even though they talked us through everything, seeing it through J.T.s eyes showed me just how intimidating this process can be.
So her goals currently revolve around increasing her attention span so she begin to acquire and then use more language, and then of course to begin to express wants/needs using gestures and label basic objects using words. A speech language pathologist will also come out later this month to do a more in depth evaluation. The plan lasts for 6 months and they provided some great suggestions for me to incorporate right now.
I am not SUPER concerned that there is a huge issue at hand, rather I just want to ensure I am doing everything I can to ensure Isabella can express herself. Having worked with so many children the inability to effectively say what you want or need can be so frustrating and I was out of tricks so am super glad to have some more resources.
So a few weeks ago I took a minute and looked up Early Intervention for our county. One of the milestones they listed was 1-3 words by 12 months, so I decided to give them a call and see what was up. They said they would come to the house and conduct a screening (free of charge). J.T. wasn't super excited when I told him about it (this was before all of the health issues cropped up), but didn't want to stop getting Isabella help if she needed it.
So on Tuesday they came out and gave her a screening. Not surprisingly she was above average in motor skills, average in cognitive and life skills, and qualified for services and additional testing for both receptive and expressive language skills as they noted she had a slight delay in both areas:(.
I took her for a vision and hearing screening today both of which she passed with flying colors. BTW I was very curious as to what a hearing screening for a one year old would look like, but once we did it was super impressed with the work Birth-3 educators do to ensure even the littlest ones get the help they need. What is even more amazing is that all of these screenings, assessments and plan development are free. It is only once you get to the need for additional services that there is a charge on a sliding fee scale.
Two members of the team from Tuesday came back out today and we developed a plan for Isabella. The process totally feels like the IEP process but for babies and toddlers! Thank goodness I had been on the other side of the table before because had I not, even though they talked us through everything, seeing it through J.T.s eyes showed me just how intimidating this process can be.
So her goals currently revolve around increasing her attention span so she begin to acquire and then use more language, and then of course to begin to express wants/needs using gestures and label basic objects using words. A speech language pathologist will also come out later this month to do a more in depth evaluation. The plan lasts for 6 months and they provided some great suggestions for me to incorporate right now.
I am not SUPER concerned that there is a huge issue at hand, rather I just want to ensure I am doing everything I can to ensure Isabella can express herself. Having worked with so many children the inability to effectively say what you want or need can be so frustrating and I was out of tricks so am super glad to have some more resources.
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Just Keep Swimming
Took J.T. to the emergency room on Sunday for a kidney stone. Left with more than we bargained for. The ER doctor didn't mince words when she told him in addition to the stone the CT scan also showed a malignant tumor on his kidney and masses in his lungs.
After a few days of additional tests he has been diagnosed with Stage I Renal Cancer.
They caught it SUPER early so we may be the only people ever who feel that a kidney stone was a blessing!
Well, to be fair, J.T. maybe doesn't feel totally blessed at the moment because the stupid stone doesn't seem to want to pass. He may have to have a procedure that breaks it up in order to get it out. After that they will begin to discuss the process for getting rid of the tumor.
The lungs currently appear to be nothing other than some remnants from pneumonia. They also saw a lesion on his liver that was found to be beignine.
Fortunately his mom came out for a day or so to help get him to doctor's appointments (he can't drive with the pain meds he's taking) and my parents will be here next week.
While J.T.'s health is our top priority at the moment I almost can't process it with everything else I was already trying to cope with. This line keeps playing over and over again in my head:
After a few days of additional tests he has been diagnosed with Stage I Renal Cancer.
They caught it SUPER early so we may be the only people ever who feel that a kidney stone was a blessing!
Well, to be fair, J.T. maybe doesn't feel totally blessed at the moment because the stupid stone doesn't seem to want to pass. He may have to have a procedure that breaks it up in order to get it out. After that they will begin to discuss the process for getting rid of the tumor.
The lungs currently appear to be nothing other than some remnants from pneumonia. They also saw a lesion on his liver that was found to be beignine.
Fortunately his mom came out for a day or so to help get him to doctor's appointments (he can't drive with the pain meds he's taking) and my parents will be here next week.
While J.T.'s health is our top priority at the moment I almost can't process it with everything else I was already trying to cope with. This line keeps playing over and over again in my head:
So that's what I am doing...
Thursday, April 19, 2018
One and Done?
Despite everything that is going on there are still some brain cells that seem assigned (or maybe obsessed) with whether or not we will be able to have a sibling for Isabella.
Nothing has changed on the adoption front and there is nothing that leads up to believe it ever will.
Isabella is the upside of a 50/50 chance we took in using IVF with Donor Eggs. It feels like tempting fate even if we could scrape together another $30k to give it another shot. Donor Embryos comes with a smaller price tag, but the same if not less successful odds. Also, if I'm being completely honest, even though I was thrilled to learn my body can carry a pregnancy effectively the c-section and recovery part is not something I would look forward to again.
Over the last few months I have begun coming to terms with the possibility of being one and done. I am now praying for God to lead me. I am also beginning to look for resources about only childhood. J.T. has no complaints about being an only child. He actually seems to have preferred it. However, my grandmother was an only child and used to talk about how lonely it was for her. I also am worried about all the pressure that will be on J.T. (and by extension our family) as his mom ages and eventually will need assistance. My parents each had siblings to help them through the process and J.T. (and as things currently look Isabella) will not have that added support. It makes me worried:(.
I just want to be sure that we are making the right decision for Isabella. However, it may just be that God is making the decision for us. As such it absolutely IS the right decision for Isabella and our family.
Nothing has changed on the adoption front and there is nothing that leads up to believe it ever will.
Isabella is the upside of a 50/50 chance we took in using IVF with Donor Eggs. It feels like tempting fate even if we could scrape together another $30k to give it another shot. Donor Embryos comes with a smaller price tag, but the same if not less successful odds. Also, if I'm being completely honest, even though I was thrilled to learn my body can carry a pregnancy effectively the c-section and recovery part is not something I would look forward to again.
Over the last few months I have begun coming to terms with the possibility of being one and done. I am now praying for God to lead me. I am also beginning to look for resources about only childhood. J.T. has no complaints about being an only child. He actually seems to have preferred it. However, my grandmother was an only child and used to talk about how lonely it was for her. I also am worried about all the pressure that will be on J.T. (and by extension our family) as his mom ages and eventually will need assistance. My parents each had siblings to help them through the process and J.T. (and as things currently look Isabella) will not have that added support. It makes me worried:(.
I just want to be sure that we are making the right decision for Isabella. However, it may just be that God is making the decision for us. As such it absolutely IS the right decision for Isabella and our family.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
Happy Birthday Isabella!
This funny, smart, beautiful, amazing little girl is officially a toddler! This first year was filled with so many wonderful firsts. It has been such a blessing to watch our baby grow into her own. She is soooo active and sooo loving (we have to limit her to one hug for her buddy A who is not quite so touchy feely!). She has little to no fear and is fiercely independent. We are so blessed to be her parents and are excited to see what the next year brings.
We celebrated her birthday with a small party at home with family and friends. We have her a smash cupcake which she tried but seemed to be able to take it or leave it (pretty impressive for the offspring of two reforming sugar addicts!). She loves her Glow worm, doll baby, doctor kit, and books. The party had a touch of an Alice in Wonderland theme (side effect of hitting the wall was I got the invitations sent out in time but the party wasn't planned until the day before!) and so we borrowed a croquet set. J.T's 92 year old stepgrandmother whipped everyone and came out the victor. I can only pray to have half of that woman's energy at that age.
We celebrated her birthday with a small party at home with family and friends. We have her a smash cupcake which she tried but seemed to be able to take it or leave it (pretty impressive for the offspring of two reforming sugar addicts!). She loves her Glow worm, doll baby, doctor kit, and books. The party had a touch of an Alice in Wonderland theme (side effect of hitting the wall was I got the invitations sent out in time but the party wasn't planned until the day before!) and so we borrowed a croquet set. J.T's 92 year old stepgrandmother whipped everyone and came out the victor. I can only pray to have half of that woman's energy at that age.
Isabella will help keep me young I'm sure. Looking forward to our second year together!
Friday, March 30, 2018
Hitting the Wall
"What do you do?" People ask from time to time. Well that is a bit of a loaded question these days. I usually respond with some variation of a stay at home mom who watches kids in my home OR full time student. It feels like too long of a response to include it all in one answer for some reason. But in actuality my full response would be something like:
"I am the primary caregiver to an extremely active almost toddler. In addition to this crazy girl I also watch a 10 month old who is going through a spell of separation anxiety and since he thinks he has two moms he clings to my leg hardcore. There is also a near two year old who has decided to enter the "terrible twos" early who on the regular full on tantrums if the other kids even look at her and has decided hitting is tots cool if she's mad. Finally there is a preschooler who comes from time to time who's tag lines are 'I'm bored' and 'Will you play with me?' (he's so sweet I hate telling him no!).
I also told my husband that if I stayed at home with our daughter I would take on all household chores and responsibilities (since I clearly thought I would have oodles of time-smh!).
On top of all of this I decided to fast track my way through a doctoral program taking four classes a semester this year which includes writing the first half of my dissertation and taking my comprehensive exams (three 15 pages composed over the course of a single week). All of this while monitoring three tiny people who are like moths to a flame to the computer or seem to need my attention every few minutes if I use my standing desk."
On paper this plan seemed like a great idea. Stay home with my daughter, make a little extra money by providing her with some playmates, maximize the tuition payment by taking as many courses as I could at a time. In reality turns out it was not my brightest idea and maybe one of my worst:(.
From 5am (or sometimes before) until 9/9:30 at night I am going full throttle. I refuse to stay up any later because the only thing sustaining this pace is a decent night's sleep (along with prayer and wine of course). However, after a couple of months of this I. have. hit. the. wall.
There are 7 weeks left in the semester. My parents were already planning to come down for a week around Isabella's birthday and I've asked them to come down for one more week at some point before the end of the semester. I truly do not know if I'm going to make it...
"I am the primary caregiver to an extremely active almost toddler. In addition to this crazy girl I also watch a 10 month old who is going through a spell of separation anxiety and since he thinks he has two moms he clings to my leg hardcore. There is also a near two year old who has decided to enter the "terrible twos" early who on the regular full on tantrums if the other kids even look at her and has decided hitting is tots cool if she's mad. Finally there is a preschooler who comes from time to time who's tag lines are 'I'm bored' and 'Will you play with me?' (he's so sweet I hate telling him no!).
I also told my husband that if I stayed at home with our daughter I would take on all household chores and responsibilities (since I clearly thought I would have oodles of time-smh!).
On top of all of this I decided to fast track my way through a doctoral program taking four classes a semester this year which includes writing the first half of my dissertation and taking my comprehensive exams (three 15 pages composed over the course of a single week). All of this while monitoring three tiny people who are like moths to a flame to the computer or seem to need my attention every few minutes if I use my standing desk."
On paper this plan seemed like a great idea. Stay home with my daughter, make a little extra money by providing her with some playmates, maximize the tuition payment by taking as many courses as I could at a time. In reality turns out it was not my brightest idea and maybe one of my worst:(.
From 5am (or sometimes before) until 9/9:30 at night I am going full throttle. I refuse to stay up any later because the only thing sustaining this pace is a decent night's sleep (along with prayer and wine of course). However, after a couple of months of this I. have. hit. the. wall.
There are 7 weeks left in the semester. My parents were already planning to come down for a week around Isabella's birthday and I've asked them to come down for one more week at some point before the end of the semester. I truly do not know if I'm going to make it...
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
11 Months
"I do like these hair bows mama. It just might be in a different way than you do!"
This baby has such sensitive skin. Her own drool can irritate it sometimes when she naps:(.
This is 11 months.
Hard to believe in one month this baby girl will be ONE!
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