Just Keep Swimming

Took J.T. to the emergency room on Sunday for a kidney stone.  Left with more than we bargained for.  The ER doctor didn't mince words when she told him in addition to the stone the CT scan also showed a malignant tumor on his kidney and masses in his lungs.

After a few days of additional tests he has been diagnosed with Stage I Renal Cancer.

They caught it SUPER early so we may be the only people ever who feel that a kidney stone was a blessing!

Well, to be fair, J.T. maybe doesn't feel totally blessed at the moment because the stupid stone doesn't seem to want to pass.  He may have to have a procedure that breaks it up in order to get it out.  After that they will begin to discuss the process for getting rid of the tumor.

The lungs currently appear to be nothing other than some remnants from pneumonia.  They also saw a lesion on his liver that was found to be beignine.

Fortunately his mom came out for a day or so to help get him to doctor's appointments (he can't drive with the pain meds he's taking) and my parents will be here next week.

While J.T.'s health is our top priority at the moment I almost can't process it with everything else I was already trying to cope with.  This line keeps playing over and over again in my head:

So that's what I am doing...

One and Done?

Despite everything that is going on there are still some brain cells that seem assigned (or maybe obsessed) with whether or not we will be able to have a sibling for Isabella.

Nothing has changed on the adoption front and there is nothing that leads up to believe it ever will.

Isabella is the upside of a 50/50 chance we took in using IVF with Donor Eggs.  It feels like tempting fate even if we could scrape together another $30k to give it another shot.  Donor Embryos comes with a smaller price tag, but the same if not less successful odds.  Also, if I'm being completely honest, even though I was thrilled to learn my body can carry a pregnancy effectively the c-section and recovery part is not something I would look forward to again. 

Over the last few months I have begun coming to terms with the possibility of being one and done.  I am now praying for God to lead me.  I am also beginning to look for resources about only childhood.  J.T. has no complaints about being an only child.  He actually seems to have preferred it.  However, my grandmother was an only child and used to talk about how lonely it was for her.  I also am worried about all the pressure that will be on J.T. (and by extension our family) as his mom ages and eventually will need assistance.  My parents each had siblings to help them through the process and J.T. (and as things currently look Isabella) will not have that added support.  It makes me worried:(.

I just want to be sure that we are making the right decision for Isabella.  However, it may just be that God is making the decision for us.  As such it absolutely IS the right decision for Isabella and our family.

Happy Birthday Isabella!

This funny, smart, beautiful, amazing little girl is officially a toddler!  This first year was filled with so many wonderful firsts.  It has been such a blessing to watch our baby grow into her own.  She is soooo active and sooo loving (we have to limit her to one hug for her buddy A who is not quite so touchy feely!).  She has little to no fear and is fiercely independent.  We are so blessed to be her parents and are excited to see what the next year brings.

We celebrated her birthday with a small party at home with family and friends.  We have her a smash cupcake which she tried but seemed to be able to take it or leave it (pretty impressive for the offspring of two reforming sugar addicts!).  She loves her Glow worm, doll baby, doctor kit, and books.  The party had a touch of an Alice in Wonderland theme (side effect of hitting the wall was I got the invitations sent out in time but the party wasn't planned until the day before!) and so we borrowed a croquet set.  J.T's 92 year old stepgrandmother whipped everyone and came out the victor.  I can only pray to have half of that woman's energy at that age.

Isabella will help keep me young I'm sure.  Looking forward to our second year together!

Hitting the Wall

"What do you do?"  People ask from time to time.  Well that is a bit of a loaded question these days.  I usually respond with some variation of a stay at home mom who watches kids in my home OR full time student.  It feels like too long of a response to include it all in one answer for some reason.  But in actuality my full response would be something like:

"I am the primary caregiver to an extremely active almost toddler.  In addition to this crazy girl I also watch a 10 month old who is going through a spell of separation anxiety and since he thinks he has two moms he clings to my leg hardcore.  There is also a near two year old who has decided to enter the "terrible twos" early who on the regular full on tantrums if the other kids even look at her and has decided hitting is tots cool if she's mad.  Finally there is a preschooler who comes from time to time who's tag lines are 'I'm bored' and 'Will you play with me?' (he's so sweet I hate telling him no!).

I also told my husband that if I stayed at home with our daughter I would take on all household chores and responsibilities (since I clearly thought I would have oodles of time-smh!).

On top of all of this I decided to fast track my way through a doctoral program taking four classes a semester this year which includes writing the first half of my dissertation and taking my comprehensive exams (three 15 pages composed over the course of a single week).  All of this while monitoring three tiny people who are like moths to a flame to the computer or seem to need my attention every few minutes if I use my standing desk."

On paper this plan seemed like a great idea.  Stay home with my daughter, make a little extra money by providing her with some playmates, maximize the tuition payment by taking as many courses as I could at a time.  In reality turns out it was not my brightest idea and maybe one of my worst:(.

From 5am (or sometimes before) until 9/9:30 at night I am going full throttle.  I refuse to stay up any later because the only thing sustaining this pace is a decent night's sleep (along with prayer and wine of course).  However, after a couple of months of this I. have. hit. the. wall.

There are 7 weeks left in the semester.  My parents were already planning to come down for a week around Isabella's birthday and I've asked them to come down for one more week at some point before the end of the semester.  I truly do not know if I'm going to make it...

11 Months

"I do like these hair bows mama.  It just might be in a different way than you do!"

This baby has such sensitive skin.  Her own drool can irritate it sometimes when she naps:(.

This is 11 months.  

Hard to believe in one month this baby girl will be ONE!

10 Months

 This is 10 months.

 Hugging Aiden--"I love my doggy!"

"There has to be way for me to climb over this.  Hmm let me see..."

Field Trip

We did it!  We took our first field trip with both babies:).  We just went up to the local library, but both Isabella and A laughed and smiled like we went to Disney.   While I have often gotten looks and been asked when I take all of the kids on walks if they are related this is the first time I have been asked if Isabella and A are twins.  Now A is big for his age so size wise that's a legit question; however, A is black so?!?!

We celebrated our adventure with a trip through the Chick-Fil-A drive through which was more of a celebration for me, but whatevs:).