Back to School

As per usual, the summer has flown by.  Though I am not as sad to see it end as I usually am.  It was a nice summer, with nice memories, but it was also an emotional low for me.

I have been angry at God for weeks now, which is not a place I want to be.  My spiritual maturity, while it has grown exponentially in the last few years, is still that of an adolescent  As a result, I have spent the last month or so acting like a petulant teenager in my relationship with God.

Haven't been to church (or even watched online) since early June.  I have stopped reading or listening to the Bible daily as I had been doing for the last 3.5 years.  I spent a while not talking to Him at all. I spent a few days just telling Him how angry I was at Him. The only two spiritual outlets I have faithfully turned to all summer have been my Christian music stations and our Community Group.

In classic "What came first-the chicken or the egg?" format, I now find myself asking "Did I turn away from God because I was angry or did I become angry because I turned away from God?".    I honestly don't know.  But here I am slowly digging out of a pit of despair.

Over the last few days my hardened heart has begun to soften and I have heard God on two fronts. One on the front of doubt.  Through this whole process I have never doubted God.  His timing & plan are perfect.  I have been doubting myself-thinking that I wasn't understanding or hearing the things He wanted me to do.  I came to the revelation this past week, that he is GOD.  If I wasn't listening or understanding He would just talk louder, send a more clear sign, or do something that would help ensure that I was in fact heeding His message.

The second front is "Why in the world is this taking sooooo long?".  We have been trying to become parents for FIVE YEARS without so much as a single positive pregnancy test, potential match,  or whisper of a child in any way, shape or form joining our family.  While I still don't know, I did come to realize that there are ways in which God is using our childlessness for what I can only assume is His purpose.

Last year the night before the first day of school, I was convinced that it was going to be my last first day of school for a while.  Clearly it wasn't and tomorrow may not be my last  first day of school either.  I have finished decorating my office.  I have developed year long plans for staff development much of which I plan to lead. We have even begun to make vacation plans for spring break.

Accepting where I am instead of where I want to be is so, so very hard.  However, I am making Psalm 23:1 my new mantra.

Fitbits, 5Ks, and Zombies, oh my!

So in May I was bitching about reflecting upon the fact that I had gained 10 pounds since we decided to adopt.  Made a meager attempt to eat better and walked/ ran for a few weeks, but then the end of the school year and summer hit and I just kind of stopped.  Fast forward to the beginning of July and I went to the doctor for a physical, got on the scale, and my eyes just about bugged out of my head as I turned to the nurse and exclaimed "Is this thing broken?!?".  I had somehow managed to gain 10 MORE pounds in about 6 weeks.  I was shocked...I didn't even know you could gain that much that fast without really putting some concerted effort into it!  But alas, I discovered first hand that you most decidedly can.

Well that was a much needed wake up call and, now 20 pounds to lose, I did not waste any time. After confirming from labs that there was no medical reason for the weight gain, I became a woman-on-a-mission.

I am proud to say that after 5 weeks I have lost those crazy 10 pounds and can begin to work on the 10 I set out to lose in May.  Sigh,..had I just started then with this intensity, but I digress...

Weight Watchers is my go to when I have what I consider a LOT of weight to lose (I am now counting 10 pounds as a LOT for future reference).  We got Fitbits for our anniversary, and I finished the Couch to 5K running plan for the third time in three years (hmmm...maybe if I just stuck with running I would have start over again...novel idea!).  I just finished over the weekend and have started a new app called Zombies Run.  I have been really excited to try it, but may have built it up too much in my head because when I tried it on Tuesday I was not overly impressed, but I'm going to give it another shot.

I set out to lose 10 pounds by the time the teachers at my school came back, so I can check that one off my list (they come back on Monday).  The next goal is to lose the remaining 10 by my birthday at the end of October.  Sounds doable, but we shall see what the new school year brings!

Not So Proud Moments

Over the last five years I have developed almost a sixth sense for when someone is going to announce they are pregnant.  It has come in very handy.  Even if it's only a moment or two it is enough for my brain to process, react internally (sometimes sad, sometimes mad, sometimes neither-dependent totally upon my mood and nothing to do with the person doing the announcing), and then respond appropriately with joy and congratulations.

It appears I now need to develop the same sense for adoption matches.  There is a couple I know who decided this past spring that adoption was the path they were led to after struggling with infertility for almost two years.  I was excited for them and offered support, encouragement and left the door open if they ever wanted to talk.

Last week I learned from a mutual colleague that this couple has already been matched and the due date is very close.  Fortunately this colleague has been aware of our struggles and is an adoptive parent himself, so that when I did not respond, what most would say, appropriately (Something along the lines of "You're kidding...already?  God and I have some talking to do!) he was sympathetic and did not seem to judge when I said I was going to go home and throw things.    .

Fortunately, I learned the news in the way I did so when I see them I can respond with grace, if not sincerity.  I sincerely want to be happy for them.  They are wonderful people and will make excellent parents.  I should be glad their struggle is not as long as ours and that they will get to bring their little one home soon. However, the only feelings I seem to be able to muster at this point are sadness, frustration, and jealousy.

A few weeks ago, I wasn't sure how to process feeling numb.  Well that's no longer a concern as I now have a whole hotbed of ugly emotions that I am trying to process.  I used to enjoy roller coasters when I was a kid, but this one seems like it may never end.

Summer, Summer, Summertime...

Despite the doom and gloom of my previous few posts, I really did enjoy my summer break:).

I went to the beach the first week.  Week 2 was spent doing virtually nothing that didn't involve the TV, my Nook and/or the couch.  Successfully completed about half a dozen books and a few seasons of the show Suits.

Week 3-4 I got my butt in gear and did a bunch of things around the house.  I always "spring clean" during summer break and finally found a checklist that I really liked from Imperfect Homemaking:

I also got to have dinner out with friends and spent a nice weekend with college roommates in PA.

Even though I went back to work last Monday, we have summer hours which are fantastic and should really be adopted for year round use:).  My mom and her best friend came down and spent the week with us last week.  I discovered a new favorite drink:)

We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary (6 years goes fast!) at the restaurant where we first met and enjoyed reminiscing.

  

Next up is working on my application for my doctorate.  I need to sign up for the Millers Analogy Test this week.  

So this summer has been the perfect blend of rest, fun and productivity and I'm super glad there are a few weeks left!

1000 views

That is what my stats page is showing for the number of views my little blog has gotten so far.

I used to be really chatty.  I would talk, talk, talk and then afterwards wonder "Did I talk too much?", "Did I say the wrong thing?".  As I have gotten older I have become to learn from the adage "There is a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth-listen more than you talk.".  So I have shared pieces of our story with some people, but for the most part am pretty silent on the topic in real life.

It is interesting to think that our story has gotten 1000 views over the course of the last year or so.  I have only begun sharing the link with a handful of friends, and I hope to feel more comfortable doing so more often in the months to come.  Ultimately I would like for this blog to capture the "happy ending" to our story and the life that follows.

For now I write mainly for me, but it is nice to know that there are people out there reading my words and hopefully finding support in them or offering prayers on our behalf.  

Loss (Part III)

With each of these two loses I experienced the stages of grief. My psychology courses taught me the stages of grief looked like a neat a cyclical circle.  With a beginning and an end.

However, I believe this depiction to be more accurate:

With my brother the first image is more accurate.  Acceptance came quickly, but continues to be painted with sadness.

Given that we are still not parents, do not know when we will become parents, and in fact still have a chance of becoming parents both through adoption and natural means, this grieving process looks much more like the second image.  

I thought I had reached the acceptance stage when we chose to adopt.  However, after 10 months of waiting (and watching our friends whose wait is reaching the 2 year mark) I think I am finding myself back in the thick of it.  Though this time around it is a feeling of numbness.  I almost think I would rather feel angry or sad or SOMETHING.  I feel like if I was feeling one of those two I could cry or rage and move past it somehow.

I don't know how to shake off numb.

Loss (Part II)

The second loss I encountered in my life is the loss of having any control in starting a family.  And within that large scope of loss are many smaller loses.

While our diagnosis is "unexplained" I can't help but feeling like our seemingly inability to have children is because my body has failed us in some way.  In fact I had a dream this summer where that exact scenario played out and the nurse told us out right that it "isn't his fault" (as she pointed in his direction), "it's yours" (and the finger pointed directly at me).  So there is a loss in confidence that my body works the way a woman's body is "supposed" to work.

While I recognize there are many couples who are not able to foresee when they will begin their family, once the train leaves the station it is pretty clear that within 9 months your life is going to change.  With us we make every decision knowing that there may have to be a plan B, C or Z because we have no idea when we may be blessed with a child.  For a natural born planner like me that was probably one of the biggest, if not THE biggest hurdle, to overcome.  So there is a loss in decision making and timing.

Superficial losses, while minor, still frankly suck.  There will be no cute way of surprising my husband we are expecting as accepting a match is a decision we must make together.  There will be no cute way of surprising our families.  In fact, I am pretty confident we will not tell anyone but my brother (who has agreed to watch the dogs if we can't take them with is) and our bosses (because we would like to keep our jobs) when baby is born so that if the birth mother decides to parent their hopes are dashed right along with ours.

Their sense of loss weighs on me too.  As our parents get older they are losing time with their future grandchild.  Our niece and nephew have lost the opportunity to see their cousins as playmates.

Their is the loss of a genetic bond with our child.  While in my heart this matters very little to us, it would have been interesting to see what our child would have looked like (my eyes?, his smile?) and what natural proclivities they may have had (natural aptitude for science?  musical ability?).  There is an excellent chance that we will never get to find out.

What weighs on me the most is that in order of us to become parents, there will be a birth family who will experience great loss.  We are 100% committed to open adoption and believe that it will be best for our child to continue to be a part of their lives through as many avenues as possible.  However, I am very much aware that this comes at a very high emotional price and that this loss will be felt by the birth family most likely forever.

Sigh.  As I said before life isn't fair.