Loss (Part II)

The second loss I encountered in my life is the loss of having any control in starting a family.  And within that large scope of loss are many smaller loses.

While our diagnosis is "unexplained" I can't help but feeling like our seemingly inability to have children is because my body has failed us in some way.  In fact I had a dream this summer where that exact scenario played out and the nurse told us out right that it "isn't his fault" (as she pointed in his direction), "it's yours" (and the finger pointed directly at me).  So there is a loss in confidence that my body works the way a woman's body is "supposed" to work.

While I recognize there are many couples who are not able to foresee when they will begin their family, once the train leaves the station it is pretty clear that within 9 months your life is going to change.  With us we make every decision knowing that there may have to be a plan B, C or Z because we have no idea when we may be blessed with a child.  For a natural born planner like me that was probably one of the biggest, if not THE biggest hurdle, to overcome.  So there is a loss in decision making and timing.

Superficial losses, while minor, still frankly suck.  There will be no cute way of surprising my husband we are expecting as accepting a match is a decision we must make together.  There will be no cute way of surprising our families.  In fact, I am pretty confident we will not tell anyone but my brother (who has agreed to watch the dogs if we can't take them with is) and our bosses (because we would like to keep our jobs) when baby is born so that if the birth mother decides to parent their hopes are dashed right along with ours.

Their sense of loss weighs on me too.  As our parents get older they are losing time with their future grandchild.  Our niece and nephew have lost the opportunity to see their cousins as playmates.

Their is the loss of a genetic bond with our child.  While in my heart this matters very little to us, it would have been interesting to see what our child would have looked like (my eyes?, his smile?) and what natural proclivities they may have had (natural aptitude for science?  musical ability?).  There is an excellent chance that we will never get to find out.

What weighs on me the most is that in order of us to become parents, there will be a birth family who will experience great loss.  We are 100% committed to open adoption and believe that it will be best for our child to continue to be a part of their lives through as many avenues as possible.  However, I am very much aware that this comes at a very high emotional price and that this loss will be felt by the birth family most likely forever.

Sigh.  As I said before life isn't fair.