Over the last five years I have developed almost a sixth sense for when someone is going to announce they are pregnant. It has come in very handy. Even if it's only a moment or two it is enough for my brain to process, react internally (sometimes sad, sometimes mad, sometimes neither-dependent totally upon my mood and nothing to do with the person doing the announcing), and then respond appropriately with joy and congratulations.
It appears I now need to develop the same sense for adoption matches. There is a couple I know who decided this past spring that adoption was the path they were led to after struggling with infertility for almost two years. I was excited for them and offered support, encouragement and left the door open if they ever wanted to talk.
Last week I learned from a mutual colleague that this couple has already been matched and the due date is very close. Fortunately this colleague has been aware of our struggles and is an adoptive parent himself, so that when I did not respond, what most would say, appropriately (Something along the lines of "You're kidding...already? God and I have some talking to do!) he was sympathetic and did not seem to judge when I said I was going to go home and throw things. .
Fortunately, I learned the news in the way I did so when I see them I can respond with grace, if not sincerity. I sincerely want to be happy for them. They are wonderful people and will make excellent parents. I should be glad their struggle is not as long as ours and that they will get to bring their little one home soon. However, the only feelings I seem to be able to muster at this point are sadness, frustration, and jealousy.
A few weeks ago, I wasn't sure how to process feeling numb. Well that's no longer a concern as I now have a whole hotbed of ugly emotions that I am trying to process. I used to enjoy roller coasters when I was a kid, but this one seems like it may never end.
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