Happy No Diet Day!

Who even knew this was a thing?!?  I am certainly celebrating and have been for the last few months now. 

 For the last two years, when signs of spring began to appear late February/early March (you gotta love living in the South!) I felt this wonderful intrinsic motivation to run.  In 2013 that resulted in regularly running up to 3 miles.  Then in 2014 I started regularly running up to 5 miles.  

So for 2015 I set a goal of running 300 miles for the year.  Total number of miles to date:  2.

Now keep in mind this time that was once spent running, has been replaced with sitting on my butt and snacking when I get home from school.  Not exactly a winning combination.  

For the first few weeks of my new "workout routine" there wasn't much of change, but now I am definitely seeing the fat that replaced the muscle and there seems to be more of me:(.  The thing is I TOTALLY know all the right things to do, and have proven to myself I can do them.  But you want to know something?---I don't wanna!  

After reflecting on this for the last few days, I think I know the cause.  I am stress eating and when I stress eat, not exercising seems to come hand in hand for some reason.  I am stress eating because I have hit another mental hurdle in the (seemingly never ever journey) to start a family.  I wish I could learn what my triggers are, but I just don't know.  

What I do know is that, come August, five years will have passed since we decided that we were ready to become parents.  What I do know is that in those five years I have watched friends and colleagues have not just one, but in many cases two babies while our nursery remains empty.  What I do know is that I feel deep down in my heart that God will bless us with a child, but what I don't know is when.  

I so desperately want this to by my prayer, but these physical signs of stress that keep popping up (not sleeping well in the fall, hives in the winter, and now this) are clear indicators that I am anxious and therefore lacking in complete trust.  Honestly, I'm not sure how...

  

Nice Weekend

Friday night the biggest decision I had to make was whether to stop for wine or peach vodka and tea on the way home (went with the latter) as I caught up on TV and ate pizza with JT.  The perfect way to end a hectic week.

Saturday we went to see Avengers (not bad but I find the fight scenes slow down the plot) and took a stroll around the shopping village where the theater is located.  My bank account is safe because after seeing the patterns and cuts for this season, nothing was working for me.

We then went to a local watering hole:

We spent the afternoon on the porch playing board games, talking, meeting new neighbors, and hanging out with my brother and a new friend of his.  

We got hungry and headed out to dinner.  My brother and his friend were going to another place to watch the "big fight", but we tapped out and went home.

Today has involved pancakes and gearing up to knock out the weekly chores to do list.

So nothing too terribly exciting, but definitely a nice weekend!

Looking ahead

A little while ago I began to wonder what was next for me.  For the last few years I thought it was motherhood, but that will come when it comes so it seems.

I realize that my current position is not one I wish to maintain forever.  There are parts of it that I love, but there are also parts of it that I do not love.  While I am sure that is true of every job, the work I do effects so many people that I do not think it is fair to continue in it for the long term when my heart really isn't in it.

A next step that I had considered before we became more focused on starting a family was going for my doctorate in hopes of teaching at the collegiate level.  Over the last year or so I started thinking I wanted to go back into the classroom because I missed the connection being a teacher presented; however, after some deep thought, conversation with my boss, and a resume that crossed my desk that opened my eyes to what my future might hold if I made that particular change, the desire to teach at the collegiate level was reignited.

In researching the doctorate I wish to hold, there is really only one option in regard to University to attend.  Their 2015 fall class has closed, so I am currently pursuing admittance for 2016.  I am hoping that God's plan for the year in between has something to do with a little person joining our family, but I will keep my eyes and ears open just in case He has another plan in mind:).

Random Thoughts

With spring break behind us we are in the final stretch of the school year.  It's crunch time so to speak, with all of us working 110% to make sure we are helping all of our kiddos grow as much as they can.  I love the students, teachers and families with whom I work.  Sometimes there are times when we feel pulled and stretched in a million directions and it causes unrest or crankiness; however, I am constantly amazed that when push comes to shove we are able to push through because we care about kids and we care about each other.

On the way to work on Friday, I stopped at Wal-Mart and got bunch of breakfast items (easy stuff like poptarts, cereal bars, bananas) tossed them in a basket and took them around to the staff.  It's great how a very simple random act of kindness put a smile on so many faces.  It was also the first time in like a billion years that I had a poptart so it was a win-win for everyone:).

We are kind of under house arrest this weekend.  J is on weekend support for work (software analys) and has to be within 15 minutes of his computer ready to troubleshoot at any moment.  Since he has worked second shift the last two weeks, I want to spend as much time with him as I can so home it is for both of us.  It's rainy and dreary today so we are not missing any beautiful spring weather.

For the next 7 weeks I plan to work as an online scorer for Pearson in the evenings and on weekends.  This past week was training and after much technical difficulty Monday and Tuesday, got rocking and rolling on Wednesday and Thursday.  I have one round of qualification papers left.  I have met qualifications in two categories.  This last one eludes me a bit though, so what will be will be.

We have been officially waiting to adopt for 7 and half months now.  Since the beginning I have daydreamed about getting "the call" and the various scenarios that would follow.  Interestingly enough every single one of these scenarios involves a drop in the lap placement.  Drop in the lap placements are very much the exception than the rule.  I should probably be preparing myself for an earlier match, but I also wonder if I should just let go of daydreams like these and let go and let God.

Much easier said than done; however for almost all the important milestones in my life-meeting my wonderful husband...finding our home,..landing my "dream" job...they appeared when I was least expecting them.  It is so hard, though, expecting something the least when you want it the most...

Our Trip to England

We had such a wonderful time!  I was prepared for a week of clouds and rain and was pleasantly surprised that we had blue skies and sunshine!  Here are some highlights...

A Slice of Pie

Humble pie that is.  At work I get so frustrated when people ask questions or express concerns about things that, had they taken the time to carefully read communications I had sent, they would have no questions or concerns.  Today, I was once again reminded (ok humbled) that I am faaaar from perfect and am guilty of not reading things carefully myself.

A few weeks ago, I got the login information for our adoption website (our agency updated its site in January so that we could go on and update/change things ourselves which they would then review and post).  I went into to see how it worked and noticed that on a details page there was a drop down bar for religion that was blank.  So I clicked it, filled it in and clicked update at the bottom of the page.  I closed it out without giving it much thought.  Today, I was perusing our agency site and noticed we were no longer listed!  I am slow to anger, but immediately got upset and called our agency.

I explained the situation and talked everything through with the coordinator who answered.  She was very calm and patient with me, and explained that anytime the editing page is open it takes your website down from the agency site and that you must click review in order for them to be aware so your page has been updated and reposted.  I explained to her quite pointedly (ok, self righteously) that we worked hard to be as educated as we could be and that I do not recall seeing this information anywhere and they should be sure that people are aware of this.  I never raised my voice or was blatantly disrespectful, but I was certainly not graceful.

After we hung up I called my friend who is adopting through the same agency and she was very supportive, but said that yes she did know that when you were update mode the site was offline and that you had to click review to get it back up.  She wasn't sure how she knew, so I went back into the initial email I received with the site information and it very clearly states:

Please note: To save changes please be sure to hit the “Update” button as well as fill out the form to the right of the page so we will be notified of your changes. Clicking update will cause your site to become offline until Lifetime’s staff has reviewed your changes.

Oops-I suck.  After hanging up I immediately emailed the coordinator I had spoken to and apologized.

After sending the email, I went out to check the mail and found this:

Last summer, my mother-in-law wanted to get us some things for the nursery so I set up a private registry on Target and sent her the link.  For the due date, I had set a date a year in the future June 2015.  My second humbling experience in just one hour's time and an important reminder (that I seem to need often!) that I am not the one setting the time table here.  We will become parents in God's time, not ours.

Private Thoughts

It has been a while since I have posted.  During this time I felt a hint of motivation and for about a week watched virtually no tv, began an online history course, worked on some bible studies, and did some other things that helped me to feel productive.  However, after about a week I was back in "the fog".  "The fog" is when I feel like I can't do anything after coming from work other than sitting and compulsively going through my list of internet hot spots and then watching tv until it is time to go to bed.

When I am in the fog, I want to be doing other things but don't feel motivated to do so.  I just feel blah.

I think the mental drain stems from "my tank" feeling empty.  Between the stress of my job, infertility, The Adoption Wait, and another personal item or two I just don't feel like I have much left. I am continuing to read the bible each day, as well as praying (most days), but still feel like I find myself in more valleys than peaks.  My head knows exercise and more healthful eating would help, but I can't seem to get my body on board.  I ran last Sunday and thought I had turned a corner, but did no running the whole rest of the week.

God's timing really IS perfect as I think He is waiting for us to get our own stuff together before placing a little baby in our life.  You would think this would motivate me like a snap, but it doesn't.  I guess this helps me to see why and how other people find themselves in circumstances that, from the outside, look like if you just did x, y, and z would be better, but don't get done.  Sometimes we are truly our own worst enemy.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us Be Joyful.  Always pray.  Continually give thanks in all circumstances.

There is not a person in my family or who I am close to that I have seen turn to prayer as a means of coping with the hard knocks of life.  I guess the key word in that sentence is "seen".  They may have done it without my knowledge.  However, I am visual and kinesthetic learner and so the concept of "always praying" has been a challenge for me without a concrete role model to turn to.  However in typing that out I now see it is just another excuse.

Dear Heavenly Father, Please help me find a place to dump all of these excuses that I find myself living in each day:  I am tired, I am stressed, I don't know how to do this, I feel like I am in this alone, I feel like I have to do everything, I am a creature of habit and instead begin to replace these excuses with positive thoughts:  I am young and healthy, with God I can handle anything, if I am patient I will see the way, I am never alone, I am not responsible for everything and I can change at any moment.