Private Thoughts

It has been a while since I have posted.  During this time I felt a hint of motivation and for about a week watched virtually no tv, began an online history course, worked on some bible studies, and did some other things that helped me to feel productive.  However, after about a week I was back in "the fog".  "The fog" is when I feel like I can't do anything after coming from work other than sitting and compulsively going through my list of internet hot spots and then watching tv until it is time to go to bed.

When I am in the fog, I want to be doing other things but don't feel motivated to do so.  I just feel blah.

I think the mental drain stems from "my tank" feeling empty.  Between the stress of my job, infertility, The Adoption Wait, and another personal item or two I just don't feel like I have much left. I am continuing to read the bible each day, as well as praying (most days), but still feel like I find myself in more valleys than peaks.  My head knows exercise and more healthful eating would help, but I can't seem to get my body on board.  I ran last Sunday and thought I had turned a corner, but did no running the whole rest of the week.

God's timing really IS perfect as I think He is waiting for us to get our own stuff together before placing a little baby in our life.  You would think this would motivate me like a snap, but it doesn't.  I guess this helps me to see why and how other people find themselves in circumstances that, from the outside, look like if you just did x, y, and z would be better, but don't get done.  Sometimes we are truly our own worst enemy.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us Be Joyful.  Always pray.  Continually give thanks in all circumstances.

There is not a person in my family or who I am close to that I have seen turn to prayer as a means of coping with the hard knocks of life.  I guess the key word in that sentence is "seen".  They may have done it without my knowledge.  However, I am visual and kinesthetic learner and so the concept of "always praying" has been a challenge for me without a concrete role model to turn to.  However in typing that out I now see it is just another excuse.

Dear Heavenly Father, Please help me find a place to dump all of these excuses that I find myself living in each day:  I am tired, I am stressed, I don't know how to do this, I feel like I am in this alone, I feel like I have to do everything, I am a creature of habit and instead begin to replace these excuses with positive thoughts:  I am young and healthy, with God I can handle anything, if I am patient I will see the way, I am never alone, I am not responsible for everything and I can change at any moment.