The (Genetic) Mother of my Child

I never imagined having to choose the (genetic) mother of my child.  J.T. assumed once we got married he had made this decision.  Yet, here we are.

The good news is that while the path we are on is not experienced by many, we are not the pioneers.  So I turned to my internet mentors for guidance.  Each discussed the personal criteria they worked within and what led them to their particular set of criteria.  In fairness to others who may take this path after us, I offer our experience.

I mentioned a few days ago that I didn't realize it, but I did feel drawn to try to find a donor who looked something like me.  As a result we narrowed our search to donors with similar hair color (it has gotten darker as I've gotten older so it gave us a bit of a spectrum) and light eyes.  Intellect and ambition were also important to us both.  Personality and interests also were outlying factors.  I found myself drawn to woman who were musically inclined, athletic, and interested in reading/games/trivia all of which fall in my wheelhouse.

Without my online mentors I would not have thought to consider a donor's previous fertility (i.e. had she given birth or had any of her donated eggs resulted in a live birth), so that was added to the list. Another item I found myself looking for (thanks to those who have walked this path before us) was a "genuine" reason for donating.  I appreciated the honesty of the woman who shared of loved ones experiences with infertility which motivated them to donate themselves or that they wanted to do what they could for others but also needed the compensation for their time to pay off students loans.

Through advice from my online mentors we also each went off separately to review the potential "candidates", came up with our top picks from each of two eggs banks with whom our RE works, and come together to see if there was any overlap.  Given how different my husband and I are, it is not surprising that we only came back with one match...but at least we had one!

We fully recognize and accept that our adopted child may come to us with a very different background from the choices we have made here, and even though we have actively sought a donor with these characteristics we full recognize that this little one may be nothing like we imagine.  Heck, even with our own DNA who knows what we would get?!?  However, over the last six years of having very few options it was honestly a refreshing (while at the same time overwhelming and nerve wracking) change of pace.

Gearing Up to Cycle

We met with a nurse and a member of the financial department at our RE's office today.  I will start with the visit with the nurse first because it was more pleasant than the finance part:).

If I get my period as planned this weekend, I will start taking full estrogen birth control pills (rather than these low estrogen pills I've been taking which kind of suck).  I will then begin taking Lupron around the 30th.  Lupron is an injectable medication used to turn off your bodies natural ovarian stimulation.  In hearing, injection, I immediately asked about-gulp- the size of the needle.  Fortunately it is a small needle, about the size of the Ovridel I had to inject myself with for our IUIs.  I inject them into my belly where fortunately those extra pounds can do some good and cushion the blow!

I will stop the birth control during the week of July 4th and should have another period (2 in 3 weeks seems a bit excessive, but it's for a good cause, right?!?).  Somewhere in there is a trial/mock transfer to ensure there are minimal surprises on the big day.  Then I begin estrogen patches which will help to build up my lining to make my tiny friend(s) more comfortable and want to stay for a long time (or at least the next 9 months!).  Oh, this is also about the time, the big, scary progesterone shots begin:(

Our donor eggs will be thawed and fertilized (right now tentatively scheduled for July 22) and the lab will call with updates keeping us informed on their development.  Then, the optimal game plan is a 5 day transfer on the 26th.

The finance lady didn't hold too many surprises, but we are looking at several more thousand dollars than we had anticipated.  There is also an "guarantee" option provided by one of the egg banks, so we have that to consider.  We are very blessed to be in the position that this option is even financially feasible for us, and it is our greatest hope that this is what God envisioned for our savings and that He has a safety net for us should any other unforeseen financial needs arise.

So between all of this, running, yoga, (attempting to) publish(ing) an article, going to the beach, starting my second summer class, hosting friends from out of town (yay!), attempting to work here and there, these next six weeks are going to fly by (I hope!).

Dream

I know it's usually boring when other people share their dreams, but it's relevant so I am sharing anyway:).

I was having a dream where I was with some kindergarteners and I was taking them down a stairway that looked like this, but it just kept going and going seemingly forever:

Then I left the stairway by myself and entered a kitchen that wasn't ours, but somehow I knew was ours in the dream.  On the counter was a baby carrier and inside was a baby girl!  I don't know exactly how old she was, probably a few months old, and had a cold.  

J.T. had to go to work and I was going to stay home with her because I hadn't spent much time with her.  She was hungry and the only formula we had was in the cupboard from the formula left on our doorstep.  We had to use the formula from the one box because the other one had rice and chicken and I authoritatively (lol) explained to J.T. that she couldn't have solids until she was 6 months old.  J.T. left and so it was just baby girl and me.

At first I carried baby girl around in the infant seat and then I realized that this was MY baby girl and I could take her out and carry her if I wanted to, so I did:).  

A text (in real life) woke me up, so that's where the dream ended.  But for a few brief, shining moments I was someone's mama...and I loved it.

21 Months

Now that I am blogging more frequently I have gotten in the habit of looking at where I was a year ago.  On June 12, 2015 I published this post on how our first nine months of the adoption wait brought us nothing but crickets.

Well I guess when you add another year of crickets, an opportunity to either advocate for or warn against your adoption professional, and  pent up frustration at your adoption professional it leads to perfect storm of word vomit that I directed at our adoption coordinator.

She had only reached out with our monthly status update which contained nothing new (expect of course the reminder of updating our home study).  They always ask for us to respond so I did (probably not exactly what she was expecting).  You will find some excerpts of my diatribe below:

Everything you have noted on our 21st status sheet continues to be accurate.

As you may have seen in our information I am a school principal.  When we became active with Land of the Crickets Adoption (not their real name but it should be!)  in September 2014, I made my staff aware that we were an actively waiting adoptive family so they would not be surprised in the event that a baby joined our midst sans baby bump or notice.  

A teacher new to my staff this year approached me today to let me know that she and her husband were pursuing adoption.  The way she addressed it let me know that other teachers on her grade level team had shared with her that we too were pursuing adoption, so I let her know that she could come to me with any questions she had on the subject.  I also asked her what adoption professional they were utilizing and she responded, "Land of the Crickets Adoption.  They are out of Siberia (not really, but they might as well be!)."

I'm not going to lie, my heart dropped.  I wanted to give her a big, warm smile and say "That is fantastic!  You could not have selected a better option.", but I couldn't.  Below you will find what I did share with her and the rationale behind it:

I shared with her we selected Land of the Crickets Adoption because I noted several of the positive reasons we selected them.

I also shared that the coordinators we have worked with are great.  I explained they are very responsive and provide a great deal of guidance in helping you set up your profile, video, etc. and prepare for the adoption process through webinars and resources.

On the flip side I shared with her that we know two other local couples working with Land of the Crickets Adoption who have also been waiting for nearly 2 years or longer.

I also shared with her that over the last 6 months I have been actively observing our region on the Land of the Crickets Adoption website to celebrate for the families whom I see have been matched or have adopted and during that 6 month period have been able to celebrate only one couple in our home state (out of the nearly 20) who have been waiting during that time frame.

Beyond what the reasons I shared with my teacher, my response also stems from the following.  We recognize that the timing of adoption is in God's hands.  However, adoption is not a connection that most people can make themselves.  So we have paid nearly a bazillion dollars (or tat least it feels like it) that is nonrefundable to your organization to aid in that process.  We personally know two couples who have done the same.  Additionally, through the Land of the Crickets Adoption Website I am aware of a number of other couples within our state who have done the same.  

As you may be aware, the most recent data provided by Adoptive Families denotes that 75% of waiting families are matched in less than 18 months.  This data is very similar to the data collected in the preceding years.  To know that we are apart of the "unlucky" 25% is disheartening.  To know there are multiple couples from our home state in the same position with the same adoption professional is heartbreaking.      

Today's experience with my teacher is one of two opportunities I have had in the last 6 weeks to serve as a possible advocate for Land of the Crickets Adoption.  In both circumstances couples from our state who had spent years coping with infertility were looking for hope in adoption.  In both circumstances I encouraged their choice to adopt.  In both circumstances I touted the positives of our experience with Land of the Crickets as noted above.  However, in both circumstances I advised them to continue "shopping" for an adoption professional.

With today being the second such opportunity, I wanted to provide you a chance to reshape my thinking if you feel there is anything I have noted that is inaccurate.

It felt good to get my feelings off my chest.  It felt good to share directly with the source of my frustration. Even though we are exploring other means of starting our family, it does not change the fact that we still wish to adopt.   I am expecting one of two responses.  Either it will be very vague and remind us that they are continuing to pray for us OR it will provide some insight as to what is really going on.  While I am hoping to receive the latter, I bet you a million bucks it will be the former:(,

Bottoms Up

Send the children home for the summer-check!  Send the teachers home-check!  We are graduating our first class of seniors tonight and while they began as a seventh graders and were never a part of my program, I can't help but feeling a touch of pride for being a part of it all.

Beginning tomorrow I am back on Weight Watchers.  Time to begin whittling away at the ten pounds I gained over the course of the school year (and avoid adding the extra ten I gained last June).  A week from now I also am giving up drinking, caffeine and whatever else gives my uterus the best shot ever of having a tenant for nine months.

Tuesday the first draft of my article is due.  Oh, I may have forgotten to mention that for my first class in my doctoral program I get an A or an F.  I get an A for submitting an article for publication and an F if I don't.  I have 5 weeks total from start to finish.  2500 words written 3500 more to go!

Cheers to summer...it is shaping up to be one of the most interesting ones yet!

Season Finale

We are in the ending days of the school year and are working to wrap up all the loose ends of another successful school year.  A teacher friend of mine is wrapping up her school year as well and we met for dinner this evening because once school is out she is off to her summer job.  Now don't feel too badly that she works during the summer months too as she gets to be a childcare provider on a Mediterranean Cruise line--free room & board, paid to travel, with just part of the day devoted to entertaining the kiddies.   As we were saying goodbye she noted "The next time I see you, you could be pregnant!".

It got me to thinking if my life was a tv show, we would be in the midst of the season finale.  It would conclude with me bidding a fond farewell to all of my staff and friends I might not get see during the summer.  We would go on hiatus for the summer and before you know it I would return for the the fall season with an adorable baby bump, all smiley and light because our little one on the way.  No muss, no fuss!  Sigh...if only my life was a tv show.

In my non-tv show life, we have decided to proceed with IVF using Donor Eggs-yay!

I called and left a message for our doctor on the way to work this morning and got a call back around dismissal scheduling a meeting for the middle of next week with the nursing team and the financial department.  Even that first step leads to hiccups and questions as I bet you a million dollars the appointment time will not work well with J.T's schedule (and they confirmed we both need to be present).

Also, when I visited the site of the egg bank our doctor uses it says our clinic will need to provide us with paperwork which they will need to submit before we can begin to view donors.  I am assuming paperwork could be completed before we have to sit down with the nursing team, so I suspect our desire to proceed with donor eggs instead of my eggs got lost somewhere in translation.  So I left a message this evening to clarify.

Stay tuned!

Update

So finally we have the analysis results.  2 out of the three numbers are great...the third not so much.    I was so hoping that for once the answer would be clear cut (3 for 3?  Let's start looking for an egg donor! or 0 for 3?  Bring on an embryo donor!).   But once again even that was thwarted by stupid math, science and dumb luck.

Based on what I have read, that third number is one of the most debatable in regard to how it impacts fertility.  Also, an additional step (at an additional cost of course) called ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) can be added to the process which increases the chance for success. So we shall see which side we land on, though I have a pretty good guess.

It is also time to update our home study (again!!!).  We use a local agency for our home study and as a part of her response in sending the update information the agency administrator said:

"I see that this is your third update.  Typically our families adopting domestically do not wait two+ years for placement.  Feel free to call me if you'd like to chat about some placement options."

She's not wrong.  Adoptive Families just released the data from their 2014-2015 survey.

You will note-at an almost 22 month wait time-we are finding our place among the slowest 25% (because, of course why wouldn't we be among the most atypical of the atypical!?!?).  However, I suspect our wait time has as much to do with our preferences (which are concrete at this time) as they do with our choice in adoption professional, so without a change in preferences I don't foresee changing or adding an additional adoptive professional is going to change very much for us wait wise.  

We do know a family who went with one of the suggested alternatives.  They were matched within about a month with birth parents who were expecting a little girl that matched their (which also happen to be our) preferences so the wait time is absolutely faster!.  That being said, the adoptive family ended up providing living expenses for the birth family (husband, wife and three kids) for 6 months as a part of the adoption plan.  Their daughter is an absolute doll and is without a doubt the little one meant for them; however, despite their very positive outcome and our increasing lack of patience we do not feel that an adoption plan of that nature is in our future.

So the bottom line is with the results in, a final answer to Donor Egg vs. Embryo Adoption question should be imminent which would result in some form of action.  Also, updating the home study, while it sucks to have to do it again- also gives us something productive to do on the adoption front.  

Fingers crossed that productive summer on both fronts leads to some positive results in the not so distance future!