Trapped

So in my last post I spoke a lot about changes that may be on the horizon for us and mentioned that everything could also remain the same and that I would be content with that.  Even as I typed it I wondered if that was true, but convinced myself that it was so I left it--liar.

I found out yesterday that I did not get the Grad Assist position that was available, which over the last 12 hours or so has snowballed into me realizing that I/we could be in this exact same place a year from now--same job...no kids...still paddling upstream for something different and one word keeps echoing through my brain--trapped.

Maybe God does not want us to be parents.  There I've said it.  It has popped into my brain once or twice over the years, but in the last few weeks I have really begun to contemplate that in my turning everything over to Him that this might be what He wants.  Just seeing those words in type guts me.  It makes me feel punished.  It makes me feel like He doesn't love us.  In His own word He expects us to be fruitful and multiply, but our (my) time had passed before we got our sh-- together, so maybe our free will interfered with His plans for us (I've never quite understood the balance in the two) and as such His revised plan for us no longer includes children or maybe it never did.  Maybe our desire to become parents is not one He placed on our hearts, but rather an earthly desire we developed through our individual circumstances--trapped with unrealistic expectations.

Maybe instead of praying so adamantly for what WE want we should be praying more forcefully for what God wants for our lives.  However that feels like giving up and is the loss of Hope which is also something God tells us to keep alive.  So I am back to trying to do the RIGHT thing, but have NO idea what that is--this journey is exhausting and I do not know how much I have left in me to give.  J.T. had been rallying for us for a while, but he too seems to have hit a roadblock-not knowing which choice to make regarding our next steps via IVF (Donor Egg or Embryo Adoption) and is currently lacking in fighting spirit--trapped in fear of making the wrong decision.

The image below is the perfect illustration for my current mental/emotional state and we are definitely in one of those valleys.


My hope is that it is the one with rain clouds and that as we climb out of it we are either parents or God has removed the desire to be parents from our hearts (the thought of which currently breaks my heart).    We have been on this course for almost 6 years now and obscenely large number even in the IF community.  We personally know people who got married when we did have had two children (and are probably gearing up for their third).  Most IF and adoption bloggers starting trying after we did and already have a child trying to figure out a game plan for #2.  Here we are still chugging along trying to pick up pieces fit together to have our first--trapped in the status quo. 

However, every time I think we have to be nearing the finish I am proved time and again that I am wrong.  So once again I find myself in this never ending purgatory-trapped.