Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Christmas by Numbers

3000-  The minimum number of calories I ate and drank each day--they were so yummy!
74-      The high temperature we experienced while in TN at the end of December- Crazy!
33-      The number of family members we got to visit with- so nice to see everyone:)
20-      The number of hours we spent in the car-it's a good thing we find one another amusing.
9-        The number of miles I ran while we were away-making only a tiny dent in consumed calories
6-        The number of days I got to spend with my best friend and love of my life
5-        The number of states traveled
4-        The number of furry friends our puppies got to spend the holidays with

If you add all of this up using some really crazy math, you will see that it equals...

1 priceless Christmas!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

For years I kept thinking "Well we don't have any little ones this Christmas, but next year surely we will.".  It just dawned on me that this thought no longer comes as a part of the holiday season and I can't decide whether it is a good thing or not...

I am going to say it's a good thing because it's not as though I have given up hope, I am going to take it as a sign that I am finally giving over the reigns and recognizing that we are not in control of this particular facet of our lives.  Yep, that's my story and I'm sticking to it:).

The weather has certainly not been an indication of the holiday season as this December has seen temps mostly in the 60s and 70s (I for one am not complaining!).  So we had to make our own holiday fun to get into the season.

I went and saw A Christmas Carol with a dear friend.  Our seats were right in front of another friend I had not seen since the spring, so it was nice catching up before and after the show with both friends!

Our church community group adopted a special family this Christmas and we got to do some Star Wars shopping for the oldest.  I would like to thank Disney for giving my husband a Christmas present in the opening of the Force Awakens:).

My parents stopped in town on their way to Florida (the life of the retired is such a struggle) and we went to see my school's production of Elf Jr.-the musical which was super cute.  Then a couple nights later enjoyed the 2nd & 3rd grade holiday performance.  That's the one nice thing about working at a school--there are always kids to get you in the season.  Even though I am hoping that Elf on the Shelf is a fad that soon fades.  Based on the stories the kids tell me it seems like a lot of work!

I hosted a dessert bar for my staff again this year.  I have found this to be the best, most calorie saving way of baking for the holidays.  This year I managed to find recipes that were both super easy and super yummy-a definite win, win!

We also went to my first hockey game.  Not exactly Christmas inspired, but the temperature inside the Colosseum and all the ice certainly made me think of Christmas!

I have also managed to watch most of my Christmas favorites (or will watch over the next few days).

We plan to drive around and look at Christmas lights Wednesday night and leave to visit our families Thursday morning which will be the perfect way to cap this Christmas season.  I think I enjoy Christmas more as an adult than I did as a kid (even though if I see the meme that holds this same sentiment but explains that it is more enjoyable because of their kids I may scream).  In an effort to ends this post with the spirit of the season I leave you with...

Failure on Two Fronts

So my body will occasionally plays tricks on me.  I have experienced nearly every pregnancy "sign" over the past 5 years to no avail (the internet is very dangerous that way).  I am very regular and other than the first cycle I was on Clomid I have never had a cycle last longer than 28 days.  Last winter (or it may have been the year before) I got all excited on day 28 when the coast seemed clear then right before I went to bed--boom-- dreams (as short lived and lofty as they were) shattered and my heart broke for about the bazillionth time.

Today was cycle day 30 and I was reminded for the 70th+ time or so that my body, in fact, does not seem to be able to do what it was designed to do.  I am wiser this time and began praying two days ago that I would need God to be there for me if my being pregnant was not His plan.  Thankfully, He showed up so there was no heartbreak this time.  However, there is a realization that I don't know how much longer I can go on being a "failure" on two fronts.

First we have the pregnancy front.  I have "the data" to back up the fact that I ovulate faithfully each month and that my lining is good so an embryo should stick.  However, without a $15,000 IVF procedure, we will never now for sure if my eggs suck or my uterus is able to provide anything other than an eviction notice.  We keep trying and my body keeps letting us down.

Then we have the adoption front where we have done everything we have been guided to do (with the exception of personally handing out adoption cards--I just can't seem to get there) and each monthly status update reminds me that they "have an adequate supply of profiles" and that no expectant parents wishing to pursue adoption feel we are the right choice for raising their baby.

I  know God has a plan for us and I know that His plan will be greater than anything I have imagined, but in the interim I am struggling and growing tired of being reminded on a regular basis that I am not worthy.

The question has been bounced around whether we should give another IUI a try.  Initially, my thinking was "I don't think it is going to lead to a new outcome, but what the hell, it couldn't hurt".  However, the month after month reminder of trying and failing is draining and I am beginning to wonder if, for my sanity, I need us to shut down the pregnancy front and stop actively TTC.  I don't want to be the quitter or a disappointment, but I'm not sure what else to do...

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 21--Can't Live Without

Music.  Beyond the basics such as God, food, love, etc. I could not live without music.  There is not a day that I can remember that I did not listen to, sing aloud or run through my head music.  I love music of all genres.  I love music that is new and music that is old.  I love music that is acoustic, instrumental, and some that has even been fully (over)produced in a studio.    I like to listen to music when I am getting ready in the morning, driving in the car, doing chores, making dinner, and sitting out on the back porch.  I enjoy musicals and concerts (both watching and performing).  Music is the one "ancillary" part of life that I simply could not live without.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 20--What you do everday

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 19--A Gift You Received

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 18--A Moment

Our wedding reception might count as longer than a moment, but it is definitely the time of my life that I treasure the most to date.  We had just vowed to spend the rest of our lives together and got to spend a wonderful evening full of good food, good drinks, good tunes and all of our friends and family under one roof.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 17--A book

I LOVE to read and am blessed with access and time to read probably on average 50 books a year.  As a result of having read so many books I am unable to drill it down to just one:

The Bible:  About four years ago I began reading and listening to the Bible daily and am only just now, on my fourth reading, beginning to scratch the surface.

Charlotte's Web:  The first book I remember reading all by myself.

The Giving Tree:  Even though I didn't discover this book until I was an adult, its message is timeless.

The Help, The Catcher in the Rye, My Sisters Keeper, The Diary of a Young Girl, A Time to Kill, The Color Purple,  and The Glass Castle are all books that struck me at various points of my life as meaningful.
  

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 16--Food

What don't I love about food:).  I would say my favorite combos ALWAYS involve some form of bread and cheese.  Then a hint of something (tomatoes, spices, etc.) to add some extra kick.  It will come as no surprise then that my favorite kind of food is Italian.  I am also a big fan of appetizers.  I can live without dinner, but can't skip breakfast or lunch.

I also fully grasp that I am more than abundantly blessed in this arena since I began with a list of favorites, and don't for even a second have to think about having limited access to or the inability to secure whatever food I want, whenever I want.

I am fortunate to live in a country where no one is starving.  Yes, there are absolutely people who are not 100% certain where there next meal is coming from and there is a large segment of the population who cannot access fresh produce, meat, whole grains that allow them to live a life without fear of obesity, diabetes, etc., but in regard to the ability to access meals our country at large is truly blessed.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 15--What you love about yourself

I have always been able to speak my mind...sometimes to a fault.  However, not saying something that I truly believed in has never been a regret of mine.  Fortunately I have gotten better at this over time.  You know finding the right time, being more graceful in articulating myself and sometimes recognizing that I can hold true to and advocate what I believe sometimes more by not saying a word.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 14--Nature

The Sun

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 13--Family

I am blessed with an amazing, if unconventional, family.  Unconventional in that, despite all the wonderful things my parents did for us, not a one of my siblings or I has had a conventional path towards replicating a "traditional" family structure (i.e. married with 2.5 children) ourselves.

My older brother came the closest, but passed away when my nephew was only 6 months old and he never got to meet his beautiful daughter who was born 7 months after his sudden passing.  Clearly, we have been trying but despite our best efforts maintain the status of married without children.  My younger brother seems destined to be the eternal bachelor and my younger sister will live with my parents until she comes to live with us when my parents are no longer able to look after her.  \

Interestingly on my dad's side of the family are similar nontraditional family structures (only one of my 6 cousins is married with children, though 3 others have a child).  My mom's side is much more traditional with each of my two cousins on that side married with two children each.

Despite its unconventionality, I couldn't ask for a better family.  I truly count my parents and siblings among my friends.  My sister-in-law continues to remain close to my family, seeing my parents and sister often, and my brother and I at least 2-3 times a year.  My niece and nephew are teenagers, yet as a result of my sister-in-laws wonderful mothering, somehow managed to miss the bratty, self-indulgence that most teenagers seemed to feel entitled to (well at least in mixed company it appears this way:).  I enjoy vacationing with my maternal side of the family once to twice a year and see most of my paternal side of the family at least once each year.  All of my grandparents lived until I was adult living on my own, and I even had a great-grandmother who was an important part of my life until she passed away when I was a junior in college.

My husband is truly my best friend and whether we are on a trip or binge watching on Netflix, I am having a blast.  Even through the hard times, we are able to talk to and support one another.  We push one another to become the best version of ourselves we can be.

Even thought its corny I do consider our two dogs to be my furry children and they truly have proven themselves as (wo)man's best friend.

On top of all of that I even get along with my in-laws:).

The common thread in all of the relationships I have with each of the members of my family, beyond the biological or marital ties, is laughter.  There are few family gatherings I can recall that did not result in deep belly laughs and I think that it is the genuine enjoyment of one another's company that keeps us coming back for more.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 12--Something that made you stronger

Infertility and our (ongoing) struggle to become parents.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 11--Beauty

While I love warm weather I would really struggle to live somewhere that did have for seasons because I would have to say the changing seasons are one of the most beautiful things about nature.

  

   

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 10--My Parents

How do you begin to thank the people who gave you life, but also set you on a path to a life that you love?  They love and support me and are always willing to listen (even if they don't really understand what I'm talking about!).  They are fun to hang out with and as I've gotten older have become friends in addition to being my parents.  Their love for and devotion to one another has been an example for which I have modeled my own marriage, and should we be blessed with (a) child(ren) will model my parenting style after theirs.  There are not two other people I would choose in the world to be my parents and their presence in my life has been one of my greatest blessings.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 9--Something Funny

Even though it's been 20 years and I have seen each and every episode at least 20 times, I still literally LOL at nearly every episode I watch.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 8--Adventure

If people I knew were asked to describe me, adventurous would not be in the list of top ten (maybe even in the top 20!).  As a result it took some time to process adventures in my life for which I am the most grateful.  I finally was able to come up with not one, but two!

White Water Rafting:  I have gone a few times in my life and would love to go again.  This is one truly adventurous activity that I truly do enjoy!

Becoming a Yankee Transplant in Dixie Land:  I am grateful to have had the means and moral support to move anywhere I wanted once I graduated from college.  I am grateful to have had a friend to do it with and I am grateful that the move led me to my husband, a life that I love, and winter means less than a foot of snow (total!).

And there's one more that once we reach our (hopefully!) happily ever after I will be able to add to the list:

Starting a family:  Clearly this adventure has not reached its conclusion and there has been virtually no action, the other defining qualities of "adventure" certainly come into play (i.e., risk, fear of the unknown).

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 7--Talent/Skill

Growing up I participated in a ton of extra curricular activities.  I liked to be busy and liked to try new things so as I went through school I participated in:  Girl Scouts, softball, orchestra, basketball, student council, chorus, track, plays/musicals/drama club, literary magazine, volleyball, show choir (think Glee), swim team, Key Club, speech/debate, and that's all I can think of off the top of my head...but there were probably a few more!  Due to this rather intense schedule (and because I wasn't terribly motivated) I was a mostly honor roll student though with effort definitely could have done better.  I had friends, but was hardly what you would call popular.  

I like to summarize my K-12 career to say I was a "jack of all trades, master of none".

I recall more than once talking with my mom about the concept of talent and her response when I would lament that I didn't seem to have a talent for anything was always "You are a good person.  That is your talent.".  You know- exactly what every 10...13...16 year old wants to hear.  

As I have gotten older and my scope of interest has narrowed there are a few talents that have bubbled to the surface. 

Leadership:  When I was younger this seemed to show itself more as loud mouthed, bossy, and opinionated.  Throughout college and in the early years of my teaching career, it became more of an organizer role I took on in group work and collaborative pursuits with colleagues.  This then evolved into my work as an administrator over the last 6 years or so.

Wordsmith:  I love reading words, writing words, and sharing my thoughts & feelings with words.  More than once I have been complimented for my ability to put things into words especially when communicating a difficult concept in the most positive (and truthful) way possible.

Singing:  Very much in the part of a group or in the shower type of way, but I can definitely carry a tune.

 I truly attribute this talents to God because not a one of them I would have chosen for myself and have not devoted much time, energy, or effort into fine tuning them.  They just kind of are.  Like so many other things, I should say a word of thanks each day for them.  Note to self to do better!

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 6--Freedom

I am humbled to admit that freedom is a gift that I take for granted almost more than any other I have been given. To demonstrate just how much freedom I have been blessed with, I would like to compare the freedoms of my life with that of women around the world who have not been as blessed.

I was baptized as an infant. My parents took me to church regularly as a child, but allowed for me to choose the church in which I was confirmed. I have chosen to attend churches predominately in protestant religions.

Christian South Sudanese living in Sudan are subject to harassment and intimidation by government agents and society at large, but untangling the religious and ethnic motivations for this persecution can be difficult. Muslims generally enjoy social, legal and economic privileges denied to the Christian minority population. Government authorities have reportedly destroyed churches in recent years, and Christian groups have reportedly been subject to disproportionate taxes and delays in building new houses of worship. (source indexoncensorship.org)

I learned to read somewhere around the age of 5-6. I read, on average, about a book a week that I choose from literary millions of choices (and often get for free on my Nook).

Morocco has a high overall adult illiteracy rate, at 40% in 2007. 3/4 of women were considered to be illiterate in 2004, and in rural areas, education is even worse. Illiteracy for women in rural areas can be as high as 90%. (source onlineuniversites.com)

I voted in my first election at the age of 18 after first registering with the party for which I felt my beliefs best aligned. I am free to change that affiliation at anytime. I have voted against that particular party more often than not.

Women who live in Vatican City are not permitted to vote for the Pope. Women of Saudi Araba do not have the right to vote in any election.

I went to college in 1997, graduate school in 2006 and have applied to begin my doctorate in 2016. All in ares of study of my own selection.

In Guatemala, about 15.6 percent of the female population is educated to at least secondary school, compared to 21 percent of males. Women are traditionally viewed as having a domestic role and, thus, are not encouraged to attend school. On top of crippling poverty, the need to earn a living outweighs the expense and time that obtaining an education requires. Even if a family can afford to send at least one child to school, it will usually send the boy. ( source elitedaily.com)

I began working part time (by choice) at the age of 13 as a way of earning spending money. I continued to work part time always selecting where to work throughout the rest of my school career. Since graduating from college I have always held a job that I selected and earned enough money to support myself.

Women are underrepresented in most aspects of professional life, and there are no laws for women’s rights in the workplace. Only 9.5% of women in Palestine are economically active. (source onlineuniversitues.com)

I fell in love with my prince charming at the age of 25. We got married five years later after living together for the previous three.

In fact, today up to 90 percent of marriages in India and 60 percent of all marriages in the world are arranged. Gulati and Paruthi, with the help of their parents, had separately worked out a list of what they were looking for in a partner with categories including education, family background and career. (source abcnews.com)

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 5-Emotions (What Brings You Joy)

What a timely topic for gratitude given my recent focus on this particular emotion!

I have found joy in seeking what God wants first and what I want second.

I find joy in all the beauty that fall brings.

I have found joy in spending more time focusing on the moment versus what is next to come.

I find joy in spending time with my husband, my puppies, my friends and my family.

I have found joy in actively seeking out the MANY things in my life for which I am grateful.

I find joy in good books and good music.

I have found joy in a balance between seeking out new and interesting things to do and moments of just doing "nothing".

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 4- Teacher

Here's a little irony for you during 21 days of gratitude, I believe part of my drive to become a teacher was because I frankly did not like most of my teachers when I was in school.  I was the kid who talked too much, was disorganized, and in the class I was assigned throughout elementary school needed differentiated instruction about 20 years before its time.  Middle and high school weren't much better and even though I went to small colleges for under grad and graduate school I did not really connect with any of my professors.  So when I think of the teachers for whom I am the most grateful, they are hands down teachers with whom I have worked at various points over the last 14 years.

What all of these teachers have in common is that they see their students as children first, students second.  They intentionally build a relationship with them as individuals not because they HAVE to, but because they WANT to. They are open minded and are willing to learn and actively seek out new ways of meeting their students needs whatever they may be.  They know how to laugh at themselves and they know how to laugh with their students.  I am thankful to have had these people in my life and am thankful that each and everyone of them continues to enrich the lives of children each and every day.

  

21 Days of Gratitude-Day 3: Kindness & Service

Once again I have my parents to thank for being models of the importance of being kind to others and I have also been blessed more times that I can count through the kindness of others.  

Given the personal and professional stresses of recent years, the ones that were most unexpected or arrived at just the right moment are the ones that stick in my mind.  

A card with a personal, encouraging message of a fellow infertility sufferer now "on the other side".  A bamboo plant given for luck in the coming year.  A random text to just check in from a friend who lives far away.  A gentle question of "how are you doing?" when we both know the real questions is "how are you holding up?" and the promise of prayer.  An email just checking in on a day when I seemed down.  

At school, offers to help when I seem to have more on plate than normal and agreeing to assist without batting an eye are hallmarks of many of the wonderful people with whom I am blessed to work.  A big wave or hello, compliments on my hair or boots, and random hugs are ways that kindness is shared with me from countless students. When it comes to receiving acts of kindness, my cup truly runneth over.

I would be remiss if I did not include a second gratitude reflection on this Veterans Day.  

Ever since learning the word pacifist once upon a time (probably in a social studies or history class) it was a term I felt described myself.  It was only this morning that I realized that for all this time I have taken for granted WHY I was able to (arrogantly) describe myself as such-I have never personally had to fight for my own safety or freedom.  I am blessed to live in a country with systems in place to keep me protected from bodily harm as well as protected from oppression.  

When we opened my school, Veteran's day was a school day on the inaugural calendar and we declared it Celebrate Our Soldiers Day.  We invited veterans to come and speak to our students and provided opportunities for our students to learn from and show gratitude toward veterans,  Today was our 6th Celebrate Our Soldiers Day.  Most of the local schools had the day off today, and while a day off certainly sounds nice I am much more grateful to have had the opportunity I had to personally thank and help serve brunch to the veterans that visited my school today.

21 Days of Gratitude- Day 2: Health

Despite 2015 being the year of weird ailments for me (never before seen allergies, unexplained hives, unexplained problems with my left eye when I wear contacts, unexplained trifecta of colds, oh and of course there is the ever present unexplained infertility!) if it can be explained it doesn't seem to happen to me:).

All joking aside (at least for a moment) I am so blessed to live in a country where clean, running water, a variety of healthy food options, healthcare, and medicines are easily accessible to me.  This is not the case for large numbers of people around the world.  I need to make more of an effort not to take these things for granted.

Although the percentage of the world’s population without access to essential medicines has fallen from an estimated 37% in 1987 to around 30% in 1999, the total number of people without access remains between 1.3 and 2.1 billion people. (World Health Organization)

My good health is among the blessing I am thankful for each and everyday.  I am thankful for escaping major illnesses (growing up I had the chicken pox, an ear infection, the flu in 7th grade, and that was pretty much the extent of it).  I am fortunate to never experienced a broken bone and, other than having my wisdom teeth extracted (I was so wise there were 6 of them;), I have never undergone surgery.

Now I can't see clearly 6 inches away from my face without corrective lenses and I down painkillers like candy during one particular time of each month, but in the big scheme of things I am eternally grateful for the good health I have enjoyed over the last three decades and only hope to experience more of the same in the years to come.

21 Days of Gratitude-Day 1: Friendship

Friday, the word "Gratitude" stuck in my head.  It stuck throughout the weekend and led to me doing a Pinterest search on Gratitude.  Among other things, I found 21 days of writing prompts related to gratitude.  And so today begins day 1.

First and foremost I am grateful to my mom, who has been a tremendous role model when it comes to friendship.  She has maintained friendships that have spanned almost six decades.  She has a huge circle of friends that she has fun with and would help out at the drop of a hat (and they would do the same).  She has spent a healthy part of her retirement sowing these friendships and making new friends.  She and my dad (who is 8 years her senior) went on a cruise with members of his high school class a few years ago and every few months or so she still meets the wives for lunch.  She is awesome at sending birthday cards, sympathy cards, and even just thinking of you cards.  I pale in comparison to her on many of these fronts, but it is not because I haven't had someone show me the way.

There are many shades of friendship and I am grateful that over my life I have experienced many of these shades.  I have friends whom I have known most of my life and friends whom I only met a few years ago.  I have friends who live in my neighborhood and friends who live states away.  I have friends I see a couple of times a month and friends I only get to see every couple of years.   I have friends from when I was in school and friends from the schools at which I have worked.  I have best friends who feel like a part of the family, and some of my best friends ARE members of my family (my husband, my brother, my mom).  

I am grateful for the good memories I have made with friends and the good times that are yet to come. I am grateful for ALL the laughs.  I am grateful to friends who reach out to hangout or just say hey.  I am grateful for their reciprocation when I do the same.  Most of all I am grateful that through our ongoing battle with infertility and fight to grow our family, my friends have done an amazing job of:   giving me the personal space I need,  supporting me when I am down, keeping the trite/trivial comments/advice to a minimum, and just letting me be me.

Fighting Back with Joy

Nothing

It is amazing to me the amount of time, money, and energy that can be put into something and the net result is literally NOTHING.

We have put 5 years and 3 months into becoming parents and to the best of our knowledge are no closer to being parents than we were when we began

We have put tens of thousands of dollars into supplements, medications, fertility procedures and adoption all of which has led to not a single BFP or nibble of interest in having us become adoptive parents.

We have talked, prayed, cried, problem solved, considered options, saved, spent, rinse and repeat and not a single blip on the radar nor sign of a child joining our family.

Now I have expressed before that the time has been (for the most part) well spent and we are better versions of ourselves now than we were when this journey began, but it continues to blow my logic minded-you can do anything you set your mind to-brain that at the end of the day despite a remarkable amount of effort with have absolutely NOTHING to show for it in regard to the actual pursuit.  Nada, zero, zilch, none.

I attempted to close this post with some great words of wisdom of cute graphic that summarizes how I feel, but there are only two words that continue to play over and over again in my mind-this sucks.

Halloween South of the Border

No. not that border.  The state border.  We spent last evening hanging out in SC.

We first had a delicious southern dinner at a totally cute little restaurant.  The most delicious shrimp and grits I have ever had and two yummy fall cocktails for me and chicken & waffles with a local brew for the mister.  They were having a costume festival out in front, so we still got to see all the costumes without the temptation of candy we would have by staying home for trick or treat.

Afterwards we left all that cuteness and charm behind to visit The Campground Nightmare- a slightly above average haunted campground.

Normally, these are pretty cheesy, but this one actually kept me on my toes the entire time.  Even J.T. found himself surprised once or twice;).

Fall Fun

I have lived in the south almost half my life and use the word y'all on a regular basis, but can't stand the flags and whatnot that say "Happy Fall Y'all".  Just a random thought to begin this fall post.

Nothing new on the adoption front.  We updated a few of our pictures and some parts of the verbiage on our website.  We also plan on updating our video (tentatively scheduled for next weekend).  Otherwise, until we are ready to add another agency, reach out to an adoption attorney,etc. (or dare I say it are actually matched) we just continue to wait .

We have been doing a good job of keeping ourselves busy while we wait this fall.  Last month we visited my in-laws and took a ghost tour through a beautiful and historic town nearby.

We also saw an artist who got his start on youtube.  Though I struggle with the thought that viral videos are a means of launching true talent, event I had to admit this guy was good.

We went to the mountains two weekends ago for Oktoberfest and despite rain from beginning to end had a very good time.  Last weekend I had a girls' day with a dear friend that I have not seen much of lately and it was nice to catch up and really talk.

This past week I went with our fifth graders on a three day field study to Colonial Williamsburg and Jamestown and then crashed on the couch yesterday for a Halloween Movie Marathon with JT and the puppies (I liked The Omen...Hellraiser was ok...not a fan of Wes Craven's New Nightmare... napped through the others...).

My parents are stopping for a birthday visit on their way back from a trip to Mississippi and I am looking forward to us visiting Campground Nightmare next weekend for Halloween.

So despite my daily internal battle to remain patient waiting for our turn to become parents, we are definitely having fun in the meantime.  The quote below has also helped me stay grounded:

Our Fight Song

I have been a fan of Rachel Platten's Fight Song since I first heard it this summer.  Given the fact I spent the summer fighting so many emotions I could certainly relate to the theme and heart behind the song, but the lyrics weren't quite right.

We watched a movie last weekend that had a song on its soundtrack that was nearly a perfect gift.  I actually meant to type the word "fit" at the end of the last sentence, but this song has been a kind of gift so I will leave it as is.

Joy

As I have mentioned before, we have friends who are walking a journey similar to ours. Their journey began about a year earlier than ours and is still in process.  On Wednesday I received a text from my friend that included a dinner invitation and the promise of news on the adoption front.  I was immediately filled with excitement and hope that the news involved a match for this sweet couple and...I was not disappointed!

I am embarrassed to admit that it has been years since I felt only happiness and excitement upon hearing the announcement that a family was going to have a new addition.   Usually the happiness and excitement for the expecting parents is twinged with a touch of bitterness, a heaping of jealousy and topped off with a dash of whoa-is-me.  This time there was none of those feelings weighing me down and it was a moment of pure celebration.

Now a match in the adoption world in no way means that the journey has concluded and it is time for the happily every after to begin.  No, a match is more like one of those road signs that gives you the mileage to your destination.  Between here and there a construction project may pop up.  The distance is the same, but the trip is delayed for who knows how long.   An mishap may occur leading to the need to turn around and begin again another day.  Upon arrival at the exit, you may discover the exit is currently closed and a detour is required to get to your destination.  So to those peering into our world from the outside, a match may seem like just the next step toward parenthood, but for us it is like that road sign providing a sense of hope that this trip has not been in vain and that is in fact a moment to give out a small cheer of celebration.

Celebration...excitement...happiness...these are words that I tend to attribute to events such as the one I have just shared.  However, the word joy is not a word that readily appears in my vocabulary.  As has been the case over the last few years, as I began to learn I am not in control and have so very, very, VERY much to learn about the way the world works and my place in Gods kingdom, when I keep my ears, and more importantly my mind & spirit open, an important message shines through,  The beginning of this learning began a few years ago with what hope truly means, it now appears I have some work to do to truly understand joy.

To this point I would say I have seen joy as a synonym to happiness.  For the first three decades of my life happiness has equated getting what I wanted (preferably when and how I wanted it).  Over the last few years, I have come to learn that the when & the how are not always going to be within my control and have made my peace with discovering happiness presents itself in its own time and in ways I may not have anticipated.  However, I have just realized today that I am still gripping tightly to the idea that happiness is ultimately getting what I want.  I am beginning to wonder whether the time has come to trade my definition of happiness in for God's gift of joy.

The Most Boring Story Ever Told. Or is it?

As part of my role at school this year, I am serving as the curriculum leader for writing.  In meeting with one of the grade levels we were discussing how students can quickly draft a story and take it in an one of a number of directions based on the bend of the story they wish to tell or the emotion they wish to evoke from the reader.  That got my wheels turning and below you will see the "flashdraft" for our story of trying to become parents.

A man and woman met, fell in love, and got married.  One day they decided they were ready to share this love with a child, so they began trying to become parents.  They waited and waited and waited for their child to arrive.   No one could tell them why their child had yet to arrive, how their child would arrive or if their child would ever arrive.  So they prayed and waited and waited and prayed.  To be continued...

Not exactly a page turner, is it?  However, after careful consideration there may be another layer to this story that is easy to overlook initially.

A man and woman met, fell in love, and got married.  One day they decided they were ready to share this love with a child, so they began trying to become parents.  At the same time they slowly but surely began to work on other goals.  She followed through on her dream of "starting her own school" when she became the elementary principal of a brand new grassroots charter school.  He followed through on his passion for technology by going back and earning a second degree .  Then by taking a job for a company he respects, doing a job that grows his talents, and also allows him to work a traditional schedule for the first time in over a decade.  Together they traveled to Europe which had been a life long goal for them both and planned and went on other trips to new destinations.  They individually grew in their faith and had a chance to better get to know themselves.  They also had a chance to grow in their marriage and their ability to support one another in the good times as well as the times that aren't so good.  They pursued favorite hobbies and discovered new favorites.  They began to develop new goals and plans beyond the ones involving growing their family.  They learned that even when life doesn't turn out quite the way you thought, that life truly is about the journey rather than the destination and that each leg of the journey brings with it a mix of experiences that help shape who we are whether it's who we thought we were going to be or not.


Still might not be a page turner, but more aptly describes this period of time for what it truly has been...a chance to become the people we were meant to be in this place in time.

Average

Today we hit become average.  Not in terms of any of the obvious ways that may first come to mind, but rather in terms of our status as prospective adoptive parents.

The average adoptive couple waits for one year and exactly one year ago today we became an active waiting family with our agency.  I was REALLY hoping that we might get to be above average for a change, but alas that was not meant to be.  Now we start heading into scary territory--the longer than average wait.

Adoption data is shoddy at best, but it would appear that in 2015 adoption waits on the whole are getting longer.  With the international adoption pool narrowing into a small stream, more adoptive families are flooding the domestic adoption pool.  Additionally, the choice to become a single parent is infinitely more supported by our culture and community than was the case once upon a time.  These realities compound into a mathematical quandary for waiting adoptive families--fewer babies in need of adoptive placement which falls painfully short given the number of families who wish to adopt.

A few weeks ago we got an email from our agency regarding 4-year-old, biracial, twin boys (one of whom had significant developmental and physical needs).  I imagine the reason we received this email was that there were few or no families whose preferences matched this unique placement situation within the waiting families in our agency.  However, I was struck stone still when I opened the email and read through multiple times trying to grasp all of the information that was being conveyed.  Since it was the first blip of any kind we had come across (not only in our adoption journey, but our journey to become parents period), we had a thoughtful discussion but eventually determined that we were meant to be the "forever family" for these little boys.

Sometimes it feels selfish to dismiss the thought of bringing an older child or children into our family, but when we look inward or share our heart with God neither of us feels that we are ready to support a child who has the cognitive awareness that they were a part of another family (or in the case of foster care placements-possibly multiple families) first.  I am familiar with the concept of the Primal Wound and fully recognize that all adoption situations are laced with loss.  This is why I am 100% certain that I want our adoption to be an open adoption with as much contact as is possible to help our child feel connected and the biological family feel connected while at the same time heal as best they can.  All of the feelings involved with adoption are so complicated that it feels crushing at times (and we are only in the land of the hypothetical at the moment!).   That being said, the level of certainty I feel about open adoption and the certainty I feel that we are called to adopt a baby (or babies) versus an older child (or children) are the same.

Interestingly, we have both said that foster care or adopting a child outside of what we currently have listed as "preferences" is something we may be open to down the line.  However, that aforementioned sense of certainty is rather steadfast for the first tiny member (or members) of our family.

So while there may be choices we could have or can be making to move this process along more quickly, those choices do not feel like the right choices for our family.  So with the best "buck up buttercup" attitude I can muster we move forward.  We move forward knowing there will be days of peaceful resolve intermingled with days of dark impatience.  We move forward knowing we are continuing to grow as individuals and in our marriage as we wait...and wait...and wait some more. We move forward being as open as we can with ourselves, one another, and with God so that this long and complicated journey is completed honestly and not in vain.

We move forward into the land of the longer than average wait.        

Back to School

As per usual, the summer has flown by.  Though I am not as sad to see it end as I usually am.  It was a nice summer, with nice memories, but it was also an emotional low for me.

I have been angry at God for weeks now, which is not a place I want to be.  My spiritual maturity, while it has grown exponentially in the last few years, is still that of an adolescent  As a result, I have spent the last month or so acting like a petulant teenager in my relationship with God.

Haven't been to church (or even watched online) since early June.  I have stopped reading or listening to the Bible daily as I had been doing for the last 3.5 years.  I spent a while not talking to Him at all. I spent a few days just telling Him how angry I was at Him. The only two spiritual outlets I have faithfully turned to all summer have been my Christian music stations and our Community Group.

In classic "What came first-the chicken or the egg?" format, I now find myself asking "Did I turn away from God because I was angry or did I become angry because I turned away from God?".    I honestly don't know.  But here I am slowly digging out of a pit of despair.

Over the last few days my hardened heart has begun to soften and I have heard God on two fronts. One on the front of doubt.  Through this whole process I have never doubted God.  His timing & plan are perfect.  I have been doubting myself-thinking that I wasn't understanding or hearing the things He wanted me to do.  I came to the revelation this past week, that he is GOD.  If I wasn't listening or understanding He would just talk louder, send a more clear sign, or do something that would help ensure that I was in fact heeding His message.

The second front is "Why in the world is this taking sooooo long?".  We have been trying to become parents for FIVE YEARS without so much as a single positive pregnancy test, potential match,  or whisper of a child in any way, shape or form joining our family.  While I still don't know, I did come to realize that there are ways in which God is using our childlessness for what I can only assume is His purpose.

Last year the night before the first day of school, I was convinced that it was going to be my last first day of school for a while.  Clearly it wasn't and tomorrow may not be my last  first day of school either.  I have finished decorating my office.  I have developed year long plans for staff development much of which I plan to lead. We have even begun to make vacation plans for spring break.

Accepting where I am instead of where I want to be is so, so very hard.  However, I am making Psalm 23:1 my new mantra.

Fitbits, 5Ks, and Zombies, oh my!

So in May I was bitching about reflecting upon the fact that I had gained 10 pounds since we decided to adopt.  Made a meager attempt to eat better and walked/ ran for a few weeks, but then the end of the school year and summer hit and I just kind of stopped.  Fast forward to the beginning of July and I went to the doctor for a physical, got on the scale, and my eyes just about bugged out of my head as I turned to the nurse and exclaimed "Is this thing broken?!?".  I had somehow managed to gain 10 MORE pounds in about 6 weeks.  I was shocked...I didn't even know you could gain that much that fast without really putting some concerted effort into it!  But alas, I discovered first hand that you most decidedly can.

Well that was a much needed wake up call and, now 20 pounds to lose, I did not waste any time. After confirming from labs that there was no medical reason for the weight gain, I became a woman-on-a-mission.

I am proud to say that after 5 weeks I have lost those crazy 10 pounds and can begin to work on the 10 I set out to lose in May.  Sigh,..had I just started then with this intensity, but I digress...

Weight Watchers is my go to when I have what I consider a LOT of weight to lose (I am now counting 10 pounds as a LOT for future reference).  We got Fitbits for our anniversary, and I finished the Couch to 5K running plan for the third time in three years (hmmm...maybe if I just stuck with running I would have start over again...novel idea!).  I just finished over the weekend and have started a new app called Zombies Run.  I have been really excited to try it, but may have built it up too much in my head because when I tried it on Tuesday I was not overly impressed, but I'm going to give it another shot.

I set out to lose 10 pounds by the time the teachers at my school came back, so I can check that one off my list (they come back on Monday).  The next goal is to lose the remaining 10 by my birthday at the end of October.  Sounds doable, but we shall see what the new school year brings!