Not Yet

Despite my wonderful husband's loving decree that "this was it", this was in fact not it.  And so began cycle number 37ish (haven't actually been counting beyond the first year).

Strangely I am was not overly sad despite my resurgence towards a spirit of hope.  It just was what it was.

This is going to sound bizarre, but I am still not sure what hope is supposed to look like, sound like or even feel like at this point.  I equate it to a little kid who has asked for a toy for Christmas and 37 Christmases have passed without that toy appearing under the tree.   At first it was frustrating, then it was disappointing, then it was depressing, and now it just is. 

In place of the requested toy there have been other gifts--a renewed sense of faith and emerging sense of direction, a stronger marriage, time to devote myself to a job that I love-- to name a few.  It hasn't been all rainbows and lollipops, of course.  There have also been a few lumps of coal--cramps, acne, and envy of pregnant friends and colleagues seem to top that particular list.  Tis the season, I suppose.

I was speaking with a colleague this week who had lost his mother (who was well into her 90s) and at some point in our conversation the term "season of life" arose.  I used to see this season of life (aka IF)  as the season of waiting.  When I viewed it that way it felt like I was putting my life on and that everything else was secondary to waiting to having or adopting a baby.   I was constantly wondering if God was saying "no" to our request for children or "not yet" and felt until I had an answer I just had to wait.

In the last few months I have restructured my priorities and have actively tried to stop playing the waiting game.  Interestingly, during this time I feel the answer I had been awaiting has come.  And while I am still wrapping my head around what hope looks like, sounds like and feels like, I think I know have a sense of what peace feels like.  Not surprisingly-it brings much better feelings than the waiting game every did.