Feel Your Feelings

I feel like we have covered ad nauesum my inability to process feelings in a manner that would be considered average, but haven't dived to deeply into why this may be the case.

As my mom likes to say I am my father's daughter.  My father was raised in a home with two parents who loved and took care of him and his siblings but for whom displays of emotions simply did not happen.  In the 26 years I knew my paternal grandparents I saw never a trace of sadness nor anger.  There were some laughs and smiles on occasion (mostly from my grandfather), but the epitome of their emotional IQ can be summarized in the moment when my little sister attempted to give my grandmother a hug and received a gentle, but firm "We don't do hug." in response.  Never once for a second have I ever questioned the love or care that my dad or his parents have/had for me, it just wasn't something that was really ever expressed.  Though my dad made a concerted effort to become more of a hugger and says I love you during good byes after my brother passed away.

My mom is the more emotional parent, and from her parents I saw more displays of a range of emotions.  Though that said, my mom does not like it when other people are upset.  Be it with her or in general she is very sensitive and sympathetic and struggles when others are unhappy.  As a result she puts a lot of effort into making those around her feel better.  This is a very commendable and much appreciated trait, but for someone who already innately struggled to express emotions it seemed easier to keep them buried then to drag someone else into the muck of my feelings.

So while I feel much of my inability to express feelings is genetic (if that is possible), there were also dynamics at play that made expressing them even more difficult.  I suspect there were times during my teenage years that my mom in particular might contradict this account though from what I remember I was much more of a sulker and martyr than a rebel or yeller:).  But the bottom line is emotional reactions don't seem to be in natural wheelhouse.

As I have been working through the spectrum of emotions that as a toddler Isabella displays each and every day, I have come to one important conclusion.  I need to let this child feel her feelings.  If she is upset I have to give her a chance to "let it out".  I need to do my best not to swoop in to distract or try to make things better.  I need to help her learn to name her feelings, ensure she does not act in a manner that is unsafe or disrespectful to others when feeling those feelings, and give her space to work through them.  It has been both liberating and terrifying to come to this conclusion.  I have almost an aversion to fussing, crying, and other related emotional responses, and usually have trouble knowing the right thing to do or say.  Maybe letting Isabella feel those feelings will teach me a thing or two as well.