Family Get Away

For the first time in our family's short history we took a trip just the three of us.  We took a weekend trip to the mountains and it was pretty close to perfect.  Well as perfect as any trip can be with a temperamental toddler:).

Due to said toddler's sleep schedule we wanted a place that would allow us big people to not be on lockdown while her highness was getting her beauty rest.  I first looked into suites as we were looking to do a Saturday to Sunday but soon found out that Airbnb was answer that made more sense financially.  Since they require a two night minimum stay we left Friday night around bedtime.

Isabella fell asleep shortly after leaving and slept for the duration of the trip.  Upon arrival, it was a pleasant surprise to find that the bedroom had a walk in closet.  I love putting Isabella in a walk in closet when take trips.  Is that bad?  It is less of a visual distraction if she wakes up so she is less disturbed about being somewhere else.  It insulates sound so we don't have to worry as much about waking her up.  A little bit of light doesn't startle her awake in the shared space.  The list goes on...

She went back to sleep in her closet immediately.  Saturday was mostly toddler-centric (gym class, playground, nature reserve, and indoor play spot-the first and last we do not have anything like it locally that I have seen!) but we did a brewery for lunch and dinner for the grown ups.  Sunday we got rained out for the apple orchard I was hoping we could visit, but all in all it was a great trip!

Feel Your Feelings

I feel like we have covered ad nauesum my inability to process feelings in a manner that would be considered average, but haven't dived to deeply into why this may be the case.

As my mom likes to say I am my father's daughter.  My father was raised in a home with two parents who loved and took care of him and his siblings but for whom displays of emotions simply did not happen.  In the 26 years I knew my paternal grandparents I saw never a trace of sadness nor anger.  There were some laughs and smiles on occasion (mostly from my grandfather), but the epitome of their emotional IQ can be summarized in the moment when my little sister attempted to give my grandmother a hug and received a gentle, but firm "We don't do hug." in response.  Never once for a second have I ever questioned the love or care that my dad or his parents have/had for me, it just wasn't something that was really ever expressed.  Though my dad made a concerted effort to become more of a hugger and says I love you during good byes after my brother passed away.

My mom is the more emotional parent, and from her parents I saw more displays of a range of emotions.  Though that said, my mom does not like it when other people are upset.  Be it with her or in general she is very sensitive and sympathetic and struggles when others are unhappy.  As a result she puts a lot of effort into making those around her feel better.  This is a very commendable and much appreciated trait, but for someone who already innately struggled to express emotions it seemed easier to keep them buried then to drag someone else into the muck of my feelings.

So while I feel much of my inability to express feelings is genetic (if that is possible), there were also dynamics at play that made expressing them even more difficult.  I suspect there were times during my teenage years that my mom in particular might contradict this account though from what I remember I was much more of a sulker and martyr than a rebel or yeller:).  But the bottom line is emotional reactions don't seem to be in natural wheelhouse.

As I have been working through the spectrum of emotions that as a toddler Isabella displays each and every day, I have come to one important conclusion.  I need to let this child feel her feelings.  If she is upset I have to give her a chance to "let it out".  I need to do my best not to swoop in to distract or try to make things better.  I need to help her learn to name her feelings, ensure she does not act in a manner that is unsafe or disrespectful to others when feeling those feelings, and give her space to work through them.  It has been both liberating and terrifying to come to this conclusion.  I have almost an aversion to fussing, crying, and other related emotional responses, and usually have trouble knowing the right thing to do or say.  Maybe letting Isabella feel those feelings will teach me a thing or two as well.

The Aftermath

Hurricane Florence has come and gone.  It rained...and it rained...and it rained some more.  However, there were only a few pockets of heavy downpours in our neck of the woods.  We were lucky. 

As Isabella and I went for a run this morning and I surveyed the "damage" in our area.  What I saw appeared to be the result of any weekend long bout of rain.  There were lots of fallen leaves, limbs, and puddles.  But for the most part our neighborhood looks much the same as it did before. 

Of course that is not true for all NC residents.  Wilmington has become an island for the time being.  Flooding is still an issue in various areas around the state.  The death toll (though minor compared to what it could have been) continues to slowly creep upwards.  Lives have been changed.  Even if I don't see it--I know. 

As we were in the final stretch on the way home, the sun started peeking out behind the clouds.  A new day was dawning.  Things had changed, but we would continue to move forward much as we had before.

The same could be said for the aftermath of my family "bombshell".  The weekend continued with little mention of this new-to-some-of-us revelation.  We enjoyed games, food and laughter and things continued forward much as they had before.

The bottom line is this:  Decisions were made using the information at hand and using what was felt to be sound judgement in the best interest of those involved.  What's done is done.  It cannot be undone.  There is nothing that can be changed no matter how many times I swirl it around my brain. 

So with God's help I let it go and, while the things I know to be true have changed, I will continue to move forward much as I had before.

Hurricane Florence and Family Secrets

Leave it to my parents to be some of the only people headed to the Carolinas right now.  As Hurricane Florence whips around in the Atlantic moving at turtle's speed, they came down for a weekend as had been planned for weeks.

They came a day early to avoid the impending storm.  They came with the items left behind by Isabella and I during our August visit.   They also down ready to share a family secret that had been hidden for a very long time.

Parentage has become an interesting concept to me.  This is especially true now that I have successfully given birth to an amazing, living child yet have no biological children.  Despite reading the blogs of other women in my position who seem to magically forget this fact, I don't.  It doesn't diminish the love I have for my beautiful daughter nor does it change the fact that she is exactly who God designed to complete our family.  It is just something I don't forget.   

Well as it turns out Isabella is not the only member of my family tree to whom there is not a genetic link.

There is another member of my family tree whom I grew up thinking I was biologically related only to find out after my nearly four decades this was, in fact, not the case.

This family member was born to a mother and a father who were married to one another.  At the time of his birth only the mother was aware that the father who was present, the father whose name was entered onto the birth certificate may not be the biological father of this family member.  For reasons that may seem obvious but are truly clear only to her, the mother kept this piece of information to herself for some time.  She kept this information to herself until three years later when she and her husband were determining whether or not there was hope for their crumbling marriage.   She chose that moment to divulge her secret.  The marriage did not survive.  The secret did.

The secret lived on for decades.  The secret lived on until medical needs have arisen in the next generation which have necessitated opening the circle of secret holders just a bit.  The secret lived on even after the family member whom it most impacted had gone.  He died never knowing the truth.

I asked many.. many...many questions all of which were answered.  As the next generation searches for information from the newly discovered branch of the family there was another significant piece of information.  You see my family member died of a condition similar to one that killed a half-sibling he never knew he had over a decade before.  This led to the one question that got to the tip of my tongue and stopped,  "What if he had known of his half-sibling?  Could that have changed...".

No, can't go there.  Can't be the only one to have thought that.  Can't change what was.  Can't change what is.

While I am quick to digest information, my emotions seem to process at a glacial pace.    So as Hurricane Florence continues to loom I am fervently praying this bombshell of family history is the most dramatic part of my weekend.  My emotions and the storm moving side by side at that same glacial pace.

By Jove, I Think She's Got it!

I was so excited to watch her take her steps and start walking.

I love hearing her sweet voice call me Mama.

I am continually amazed at the heights she can climb.

But the most satisfying milestone to date HAS to be her newfound ability to regularly sleep past-wait for it...

Game. Changer.

Transition to one nap was helpful in that it reassured me she was not getting too much daytime sleep.  The girl can only sleep at most between 13-14 hours a day and two 90 minute naps (one hour would just make her cranky) was leaving us about 10 hours of nighttime sleep.  But now with this one nap business (usually lasting about 2 hours or so) I felt confident she could handle another hour of nighttime sleep, I just had to convince HER she needed it.

Found the answer in this article:  https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/2017/05/17/toddler-waking-up-at-5am/

So starting last Tuesday when she woke up before 6:00am, I just went in her room, told her it wasn't time to get up yet (miraculously she just laid back down!) and put the blanket we use for nap time on her.  After about two days she just.kept.sleeping.  Monday I even had to WAKE HER UP at 6:50 so we could go to the store before the other kids arrived.  Wow!

Now J.T. gets up between 5-5:30 each weekday morning so I still get up, but it is REMARKABLE the amount of stuff you can get down when you don't have a toddler ankle weight!    Tuesday I got ALL of my housework for the day done before she woke up.  I almost cried from sheer joy.

It's the little things, people.  The little things.

Unexpected Blessings

I joined a One and Done:  Not By Choice Facebook group earlier this summer.  I'm going to be honest--for the most part it is relatively depressing.  Most of the posts are from individuals who seem to be going through secondary infertility and as a result many of their (very justified!) laments remind me of my days on infertility message boards once upon a time.  There are however several very positive reasons I stay.

First, these women have children of all ages and have opened my eyes to only child experiences I likely would not have considered.  For instance if your family of three goes on a vacation you may consider bringing along a friend otherwise you the parents may become pretty haggard from serving as playmate for days on end.  Also, (even though I was probably guilty of it myself) I failed to realize how often being an only child is brought up by teachers and other caregivers as a reason behind (mostly negative) behaviors.

There is also one unexpected, but amazing blessing I have gotten from this group and it is this:

Given that many of these women have experienced secondary infertility they have spent years of their only child's young life focused on providing a sibling for that child.  They of course loved their child and gave them as much of their attention as they could, BUT given what I know the absolute mindf*&% (sorry there is no other word that comes to mind) infertility of any kind can be I could very easily see how distracted one could be during this time even with their most precious loved one.

Also, these poor, unsuspecting women acknowledge assuming they would have more than one opportunity to experience babyhood, toddlerhood, starting school, and the like and openly acknowledge their regret for not savoring these moments as they could have if they knew they would only get one shot.

When my sweet girl calls me mama using her still small voice--I know.

When she wakes up early from a nap and I get to hold her while she continues to sleep--I know.

When she hits a new milestone--I know.

When she goes to preschool--I know.

And the list goes on and on.  I know.  And what a blessing that is.