Last year I have a vague recollection of the first day of school, and discovering that North Carolina Public Schools could in fact start a school year without me:). But since I was covered in babies, toddlers and doctoral classwork it kind of came and went mostly undetected. This year however I got to enjoy the many (many, many) first day of school and preschool pictures posted by friends and it hit me: I have been a stressed out fool (mostly) of my own making.
Well I mean I did not bring Cancer and speech delays into my home intentionally, but these unforeseeable stressors were layered upon a huge mountain of stress I pretty much built myself.
You see when I started my doctoral program I had a pretty fantastic course that set a great foundation for being successful in the program and as a part of that course I mapped out my proposed schedule for the program. I had a three year version and a four-five year version. The three year version was chock full, but ultimately would save time and money and would obviously allow me to enter the job market earlier. The four-five year version allowed me to go to school full time for the first two-three years (good use of time and money), but the final years were weird given that several course and comps are only available in the spring. To me this meant spending tuition money unnecessarily to stay at least part time each semester (which is required) and dragging things out needlessly (or so I thought at the time).
Despite the professor's very clear and confident recommendation that it would be in my best interest to take the longer road I dove into the fast track headfirst. At the end of the day I don't completely regret my decision. Yes, last year was SOOOO stressful (and the year before that sooooo busy). BUT given the activity levels of the kids now and the fact that if they are awake I cannot maintain focus on an assignment long enough to do anything of value it is likely a good thing that I knocked it out when I was pregnant and they were tiny as I could type/read while they played on the floor/activity mats.
Speaking of the kids (plural) that's another potential for stress that is of my own choosing. Starting around the New Year J.T. began to say very clearly there was not a need for me to continue with the "daycare" if I didn't want to. He then proceeded to get a raise in the spring which prompted him to again remind me that the "daycare" was not a necessity. While what he was saying was true from a financial perspective now that I knew that our baby girl was going to be our one and only I NEEDED her to have kids to play with regularly. Not only is she super interested in hanging out with other kids but it is important to me that she spends time learning to get along with other kids in a pseudo-sibling way.
While each of the reasons behind me taking on these self-inflicted stressors continue to remain valid I NEED to remember that the stress that comes with them are born out of CHOICES I have made. Given the fact they are choices I can make (responsible) CHANGES to them at anytime. So if I graduate next summer (or December) instead of May so be it. That is a choice I will make if the need arises. I choose to have AJ and Andi come to our home and at any time I can choose to let their family's know they need to find other arrangements.
It is amazing the freedom and breathing room CHOICES can provide. It is a privilege I will not regard lightly again.
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