O.k. that may be a bit dramatic, but it is definitely a struggle.
I guess I should look at it like this. I have been fortunate to be pretty much a great sleeper and have slept 7-8 hours a night for most of the last three plus decades. What's a few months of sleep deprivation torture, right?!?! Turns out it is pretty torturous!
It also seems to feed my anxiety. I have heart palpitations, auditory "hallucinations" (I can hear her crying even when she's not), and even when she is sleeping I often can't because I am stressing about when she will wake up next. THIS. HAS.TO.STOP!
I don't feel like talking more either via the counselor or the support group will add any additional help though I will continue to use the support group. I need some real, concrete things I can be doing to...I don't know...reprogram my current thinking. This may turn out to be one of the few times my need to control may come in handy:).
I am praying A LOT and know that my weakness provides an avenue for God's strength, BUT I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING.
I am listening to podcasts about anxiety and have found some interesting information, which I am going to process here.
Reliever 1- God is sovereign
Reliever 2- truth in the word. Focus not on "what if", but rather "what is"--"the thoughts of what if overshadow the reality of what is."
Reliever 3- focus on eternity rather than the albeit important blip of our life (perspective)
What am I anxious about? Failing? Fear of being wrong? Why don't I ask God before making these decisions? Do I just assume He will tell me if I am wrong? Probably!
"When the foundation of your life and personality - how you feel about yourself- is shaky, your world view and thought life are shaky" -THIS!!!
"Anxiety is an issue rooted in our belief system. We are anxious when what we put our faith in is something other than God." --I am trying to put faith solely in myself and my ability and the need for contentment with all facets of my life.
Am I using our adoption agency as a scapegoat for my anger? (This is one of the tangents my brain goes on at night when I'm awake). If so what am I truly angry about? Lack of control? Fear? I think I am angry about having anxiety!
"It’s no secret that when our minds feel out of control we try to control our environment … both our physical surroundings and the people around us" "I became immediately obsessed with time … what time, to the minute (and how many ounces, to the drop), did my son eat, have his diaper changed, etc. And, if the feedings were off, I would get wacky, anxious" Umm, did I say this, get recorded and forget? Oh, wait I have a daughter, but it's crazy to think someone out there is exactly like me...poor woman!
"Our thoughts are so powerful they want them to be true...we want them to be true. We believe they already are. We believe we are just making observations. When most of what we are doing is thinking. Worry doesn't protect us from what we fear. " I suspect the same is true of anger as it simply serves as a distraction for the worry.
"Hard to hear wisdom and answer to prayer during anxious times as these come through in times of peace." SO TRUE!
"We live out the stories we believe about ourselves."
"Use mindfulness to make a choice...avoid the habit of falling into trigger based thinking". Sooo easy to do when you are so exhausted you can't think straight!
"Everything is impermanent...nothing is permanent...there is always transition." I feel like I am living out one of the biggest transitions of my life right now.
"By expecting there to be no problems we are setting ourself up to fail...there are always problems." Sigh...so true...
So much wisdom...now what to do about it?!?!
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