Music of Our Souls

As I have mentioned once or twice, music is important to me and I can't imagine what a day would be like without it.  On holidays I try to find stations on Pandora, Spotify, etc. that highlight the celebration/theme of the day or season.  Today, being Memorial Day, was no exception.  As I was listening various military marching cadences played.  As I listened I pictured the various scenarios which prompted men and women to use cadences as means of motivation:  newly minted boot camp recruits, company's marching through unfamiliar, difficult terrain, etc.

I then recalled as a part of our yearly 5th grade field study to Colonial Williamsburg we participate in "Dance to the Drummer's Beat!" an evening event where we learn about the rhythm, dancing and music adapted from the West African people in colonial America.  Through this program we participated in work songs.  These call and response songs helped motivate as well as modulate the rhythm of work so there were not outliers that would draw attention in the group.

Now I don't mean to come across as overly dramatic, and I fully recognize that our current trials and tribulations pale in comparison to the life and death situations recounted above, but there is some commonality:  when our souls are in distress, music can serve as a balm in many different ways.

In addition to motivation, modulation, and mantra, it can also speak to our very soul guiding us to consider new ideas and in ways we had never before considered.  At various stages of our journey there have been songs that have spoken straight to my very core and helped me to see things in a new light.  Each one serving a distinct purpose during this season of life.

The first couple of years of infertility I remember only silence (maybe with some stormy sounds mixed in).  Then one day I began to see that this journey was so much more than achieving our goal of starting a family, and that even though I had always believed and knew God was there I began to see Him and His works in a new light--less abstract and more personal.

After couple more years of living in the land of the unknown (treatments, steps toward adoption) I began to recognize that this journey is not without end (though there are still plenty of days that I forget) and that someday there will be resolution and peace in our lives once again. However, I was still envisioning that sun within the lens of my own hopes and desires.

I did not know what I was doing next.  Or rather, I did know what I was supposed to do-give it all over to the Lord, but did not know how or even where to begin!  

I needed to learn that my life is so much more than me and what I am capable of.

And that the only way I am truly going to have peace, in this season or any yet to come, is by trusting in God.

Which leads me to believe that the true story behind the last few years had very little to do with starting a family and very much to do with me connecting with my Heavenly Father in the way He designed for each of us.

I have no idea where the story goes next, so it looks like I will just have to keep my ears open.

The Scenic Route on the Road Less Traveled

Today is Show us Your Life at Kelly's Korner.  I have been reading Kellys' Korner for several years now.  I love how she shares the story of her life while at the same time provides ways of bringing women together both near and far.  If you are experiencing deja vu that is because I also had the opportunity to link up a few weeks ago when the feature was on adoption.  This week is featuring infertility which is certainly a topic with which I am very familiar.

Long story short my husband and I met and fell in love in 2004.  We got married five years later. After buying our first home and enjoying a year of being a married couple we decided we were ready to start a family in August of 2010.

After a year of trying unsuccessfully we visited a Reproductive Endocrinologist who "diagnosed" us with unexplained infertility (in my personal opinion if it is unexplained it isn't a diagnosis, but then again I work in education not medicine).  After several failed IUIs, not a single positive pregnancy test, and about three more years of lapsed time were faced with the decision to put our monetary resources towards IVF or adoption--we joyfully chose the latter.

Fast forward two years and we still continue to be an active waiting adoptive family with no potential match in sight.  In those two years we have continued saving and are were able to reconsider IVF in addition to adopting at the beginning of this year.  A new work up of fertility testing showed that my below average AMH had slipped into poor and that the doctor only projected a 19% chance of success using my eggs.  We were disappointed (to say the least!), but have persevered and are now trying to decide whether to pursue IVF using Donor Eggs or through Embryo adoption.

The name of this blog continues to ring true we are without a doubt traveling on the road less traveled--we have been living infertility for almost 6 years and are looking to build our family through adoption AND third party reproduction.  We have seen and experienced a great deal on our travels so far and can only continue to hope and pray that the best is yet to come.

At our doorstep

Yesterday we had this in our mailbox:

Haven't opened yet, but suspect that is a can of formula.  This guess is based on the fact that two weeks ago we had these delivered to our front porch in a similar package:

I have not signed up for anything baby related recently and the baby registry we have I set up in Target two years ago and depressingly keep pushing the due date back a year each spring.  

I suspect it is the registry that has put us on some sort of list to receive these samples, but I can't help but secretly hope that they are some sort of sign that these items will be put to good use sooner rather than later:).

Mother's Day

This is the first Mother's Day in years that hasn't been filled primarily with frustration, sadness, and self-pity.  Our circumstances have not changed, but the way we chose to celebrate the day did.

My parents came down to visit for the weekend and we hosted a brunch to honor my mom, my mother-in-law and my husband's stepfather's mother-Mema.

It was a very nice day of good food and drink (if I do say so myself), visiting, games, and laughing.

In the days leading up I will admit I spent some time day dreaming of a "drop in the lap" phone call with my family all present to share in the joy, but during actual Mother's Day had very little time to consider it.

It's nice to have a formerly dreaded day turn into a day of good memories:).

And so we wait...

Today is Show us Your Life at Kelly's Korner.  I have been reading Kellys' Korner for several years now.  I love how she shares the story of her life while at the same time provides ways of bringing women together both near and far.  This week's SUYL topic hit very close to home, though I hesitated to join in because technically we are not yet an adoptive family though nothing would make me happier:).

Adoption is something God placed on my heart from a very young age; however, I had always assumed that I would adopt in additional to having biological children.  My husband spent his last year of high school living with a family that had both biological and adopted children.  He loved the time he spent with the family so his heart has always been open to adoption as well.  God clearly placed these feelings and opportunities on our heart intentionally as He knew what our future held.

Long story short we met and fell in love in 2004 and got married five years later.  After buying our first home and enjoying a year of being a married couple we decided we were ready to start a family in August of 2010.

After a year of trying unsuccessfully we visited a Reproductive Endocrinologist who "diagnosed" us with unexplained infertility (in my personal opinion if it is unexplained it isn't a diagnosis, but then again I work in education not medicine).  After several failed IUIs, not a single positive pregnancy test, and about three more years of lapsed time were faced with the decision to put our monetary resources towards IVF or adoption--we joyfully chose the latter.

In May of 2014 we began to prepare for adding to our little family through the blessing of Domestic Infant Adoption.  We were home study approved and went "live" in September of the same year.  We renewed our home study last summer and that has been the sole source of activity on this journey to date.  Well maybe not the sole activity as we have each grown separately and in our marriage so the time we have been waiting has not been wasted, but in regard to actual adoption we are still at the starting line.

I look forward to reading each of your stories while we wait for our own "happily ever after"!