A Slice of Pie

Humble pie that is.  At work I get so frustrated when people ask questions or express concerns about things that, had they taken the time to carefully read communications I had sent, they would have no questions or concerns.  Today, I was once again reminded (ok humbled) that I am faaaar from perfect and am guilty of not reading things carefully myself.

A few weeks ago, I got the login information for our adoption website (our agency updated its site in January so that we could go on and update/change things ourselves which they would then review and post).  I went into to see how it worked and noticed that on a details page there was a drop down bar for religion that was blank.  So I clicked it, filled it in and clicked update at the bottom of the page.  I closed it out without giving it much thought.  Today, I was perusing our agency site and noticed we were no longer listed!  I am slow to anger, but immediately got upset and called our agency.

I explained the situation and talked everything through with the coordinator who answered.  She was very calm and patient with me, and explained that anytime the editing page is open it takes your website down from the agency site and that you must click review in order for them to be aware so your page has been updated and reposted.  I explained to her quite pointedly (ok, self righteously) that we worked hard to be as educated as we could be and that I do not recall seeing this information anywhere and they should be sure that people are aware of this.  I never raised my voice or was blatantly disrespectful, but I was certainly not graceful.

After we hung up I called my friend who is adopting through the same agency and she was very supportive, but said that yes she did know that when you were update mode the site was offline and that you had to click review to get it back up.  She wasn't sure how she knew, so I went back into the initial email I received with the site information and it very clearly states:

Please note: To save changes please be sure to hit the “Update” button as well as fill out the form to the right of the page so we will be notified of your changes. Clicking update will cause your site to become offline until Lifetime’s staff has reviewed your changes.

Oops-I suck.  After hanging up I immediately emailed the coordinator I had spoken to and apologized.

After sending the email, I went out to check the mail and found this:

Last summer, my mother-in-law wanted to get us some things for the nursery so I set up a private registry on Target and sent her the link.  For the due date, I had set a date a year in the future June 2015.  My second humbling experience in just one hour's time and an important reminder (that I seem to need often!) that I am not the one setting the time table here.  We will become parents in God's time, not ours.

Private Thoughts

It has been a while since I have posted.  During this time I felt a hint of motivation and for about a week watched virtually no tv, began an online history course, worked on some bible studies, and did some other things that helped me to feel productive.  However, after about a week I was back in "the fog".  "The fog" is when I feel like I can't do anything after coming from work other than sitting and compulsively going through my list of internet hot spots and then watching tv until it is time to go to bed.

When I am in the fog, I want to be doing other things but don't feel motivated to do so.  I just feel blah.

I think the mental drain stems from "my tank" feeling empty.  Between the stress of my job, infertility, The Adoption Wait, and another personal item or two I just don't feel like I have much left. I am continuing to read the bible each day, as well as praying (most days), but still feel like I find myself in more valleys than peaks.  My head knows exercise and more healthful eating would help, but I can't seem to get my body on board.  I ran last Sunday and thought I had turned a corner, but did no running the whole rest of the week.

God's timing really IS perfect as I think He is waiting for us to get our own stuff together before placing a little baby in our life.  You would think this would motivate me like a snap, but it doesn't.  I guess this helps me to see why and how other people find themselves in circumstances that, from the outside, look like if you just did x, y, and z would be better, but don't get done.  Sometimes we are truly our own worst enemy.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us Be Joyful.  Always pray.  Continually give thanks in all circumstances.

There is not a person in my family or who I am close to that I have seen turn to prayer as a means of coping with the hard knocks of life.  I guess the key word in that sentence is "seen".  They may have done it without my knowledge.  However, I am visual and kinesthetic learner and so the concept of "always praying" has been a challenge for me without a concrete role model to turn to.  However in typing that out I now see it is just another excuse.

Dear Heavenly Father, Please help me find a place to dump all of these excuses that I find myself living in each day:  I am tired, I am stressed, I don't know how to do this, I feel like I am in this alone, I feel like I have to do everything, I am a creature of habit and instead begin to replace these excuses with positive thoughts:  I am young and healthy, with God I can handle anything, if I am patient I will see the way, I am never alone, I am not responsible for everything and I can change at any moment.