What Am I Doing Here?

I was in second grade when I decided I would become a teacher. I had received a “Teaching Kit” as an 8th birthday present and, while I cannot explain how, it solidified that plan. Most of my work from that point revolved around caring for, educating, and doing my best to improve the lives of young children. My first paying job was a babysitter, which as a grew older translated to working in daycare centers and summer camp, when I was not participating in classroom observations or conducting student teaching experiences. Upon graduation from college I took my first teaching job and over time recognized a passion for educational leadership which I felt would have a lasting impact on children beyond the walls of a single classroom and resulted in a Master’s degree in School Administration and principalship.

I cannot say with as much certainty the path that led me to my desire to become a mother. All I can say is that being a mother was never something I considered to not be an option. I grew up as one of four children surrounded by a close extended family. It never once dawned on me that my turn to become a mother may not come; however, that sense of certainty began to change in late 2010.

As with all other aspects of my life, when my husband and I decided we were ready to have children, I was ready to hit the ground running. My cycle was regular from the word go; however, months passed without success. Everything I read explained that it can take a healthy couple up to one year to conceive, and so month after month we waited expectantly to see if this was the month only to be systematically reminded every 26-28 days that it, in fact, was not our turn.

Exactly one year after we began to try to conceive, I set up an appointment and we began to undergo diagnostic testing. Test after test showed nothing irregular, and so Clomid was offered as a possible solution. Three months of Clomid resulted in only one late cycle which ended at day 31 with nothing but a negative pregnancy test and a lot of tears. After the third cycle of Clomid we sought assistance from a well known RE.

Additional testing showed some numbers in the lower end of the normal range, but no irregularities which led to a diagnosis of “unexplained infertility”. As a result, over the next year we explored treatment in the form of IUIs, Fermera and Ovidrel, undergoing a total of three cycles (March 2012, June 2012, and January 2013). For each of these the numbers and timing were what they should be, so with each one our hearts were expectant to just be crushed when my cycle arrived like clockwork on day 28.

After the third failed IUI, we were told that we could undergo a fourth IUI or move down the path to IVF. We have chosen the latter. However, without insurance this path is going to take time as we save for the possibility of achieving a dream that many of our friends were able to achieve with barely a second thought.

For reasons that are not fully clear, God has granted us with a lot of time to think. As a result, I am going to use some of this time to reach out to fellow travelers down this less traveled road. Many of the blogs I read are from women who have traveled down this road, but have reached their destination. I guess I feel it is my turn to step out and to be a voice for those of us whose destination is not yet in sight. That is the short story long of what I am doing here.