I am by nature a glass is half full type of girl. I believe in self-fulfilling prophesies and that if there is a will there is a way. IF has tried its best to knock that kind of thinking right out of me. There have been times IF has won and I have just assumed that pregnancy is not in the cards for us and there have been times when I have turned my thoughts to verses such as May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
But mostly there are the times that I don't know what to think or feel. It has been awhile since I have shed tears over our plight or really felt anything other than "Yep, seems about right" when the cramps begin to roll in for a new cycle. In reflection that mindset indicates a lack of hope and acceptance of our current state. I now recognize that this defensive shield serves as my security blanket because until now I didn't think I could go back to that crushing feeling of defeat month after month. I guess this defensiveness is best summarized by a word we all know well-fear.
I was never the little girl who thought there were monsters in my closet or the teenager who backed down from bullies, but I, for whatever reason, have morphed into a woman who is scared of what I may not become-a mother. Admission is the first step right? Well then I admit it's time to shed the blankie of nonchalance. In order to do that I have to put my big girl pants on and re-introduce the word hope to my head and to my heart. This will be easier said than done...
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