Inferiority Complex

I woke up this morning realizing that I feel inferior to most of the adults on this planet because they can do something-sometimes whether they want to or not-that I do not seem to be capable of doing...becoming a parent.

There are so many things that I CAN do, but it is this one thing that I can't that is crushing.  It would be so much "easier" if we were ok being "childless by choice", but neither of us is able to wrap our brain around that concept right now.

I know comparing one's self to others is one of the main ingredients for a recipe of self-despair, self-defeat, and a whole bunch of other self-destructive states of mind that don't help.

 

Season of Waiting

My wait on one front has ended...I have been accepted into the Doctoral program I applied to last November!

This wait was much different.  More control, fewer obstacles and compared to the other wait it was over in the blink of an eye.  However, it was yet another area of my life that felt like it was on hold.

I am excited to see where these new adventure leads me in the years (yes, 60 credits/dissertation= 3-5 years at least) to come.

Blooming

I went for a run this morning that ended with me coming around our pond which has a number of trees surrounding.  It's February so everything is pretty much dead, and I didn't pay too much attention. A few hours later I was looking out our front window to the pond and this time saw the beginnings of the trees beautiful annual blooms.

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Science is not my forte so I asked my science loving husband if it is possible for there to be bare trees one minute and a short time later they could full of blooms and was surprised to find the answer was "yes".

I got to thinking that these blooms are just another great example of God's handiwork and a parable to how I believe our journey will eventually go.  One day I will be walking this same old seemingly dead road where nothing ever seems to happen and the next our family will begin to beautifully bloom through placement, through pregnancy or if it is God's will though both.

Starts with an Egg

As we begin the path toward IVF my first steps involve meeting with ladies who had success on this journey.  So last Tuesday I met with one such helpful infertility survivor, Tiffany, who is about 5 months along with their little girl conceived via IVF.

While we both have the same diagnosis (you know that diagnosis that tells you nothing-unexplained), Tiffany is significantly younger than me and will turn 30 this year.  Despite our age difference, I knew I wanted to meet with her because she is a researching fiend and font of knowledge, and she did not disappoint!

She recommended this book, which I scarfed down in two days:

There was a LOT of science in it, that I will admit that I skimmed, but was able to throw out lots of scientific based research out of Harvard and CCRM to satisfy JT that this was not a new age, crunchy granola book. As an aside, Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) is the #1 center for IVF in the country.  We considered it for all of a few days.  However, after researching online and through a friend of a friend who had gone there-we simply do not have the $30K PLUS travel PLUS 3+ weeks away from work to spare.

The major takeaways from the book include:

• My old eggs are basically in a suspended state and only become animated 3-4 months before ovulation. Which translates to if I treat them right, it diminishes the fact that they are old.
• 90% of all of our health, beauty and cleaning products are chock full of harmful carcinogens and reproductive diminishing chemicals, which has translated to replacing them for the coming months with nature based products instead.  Side note:  nature based somehow translates to expensive--someday I may look into why chemicals that produce cancer and infertility are so much less expensive, but for now I am focused on the mission at hand.
• Our diet has improved over the 6 months or so, but we still have some work to do when it comes to refined carbs.  I have also given up sugar for lent and will give up alcohol after Valentines Day.
• We have added some supplements specifically CoQ10 and melatonin for me and a lower does of CoQ10 and antioxidants for him.

I told my mom about our decision to go with IVF and about the book and she said to let her know if there was anything they could to just let her know.  I already had my answer, I said "These natural products are going to leave me with breakouts and frizz.  I am not going to be able to dull the pain with junk food or booze.  Plus at some point I am going to have to inject myself with mood altering meds.  So when I become ugly and b*&chy, I am going to need you to be nice to me".  She laughed, but agreed that no matter what she would still be nice to me.  I had made J.T. make the same promise too, so it's nice to look ahead and know that I will still have people in my corner:).

False Alarms and Next Steps

So the baby shower I was supposed to host was postponed because the honeree was sick AND only the one wife of JTs colleagues was pregnant and they ended up not coming because she didn't feel well.  So all of my whining was for nothing:)

This week has gotten off to a better start, but I just feel blah.  I can't seem to force myself to go out and run, I just ate a billion after school snacks (though most were healthy at least), and am starting to talk myself out of going to chorus tonight (I mean what's one night, right?).  I don't dig winter at all...that groundhog had better been right and spring better show up soon!

In other news we have decided to move forward with pursuing IVF (take 2).  We are fortunate to live in area where there are three different facilities that perform IVF so this time we are going to look into all three options to see if there is one we feel best about.

I either know someone personally (or in the third case have a friend of a friend) who has had successful procedures at each of the three so that is step one.  Meeting with each of these ladies to get their take and then going from there.

I am happy to have something to do again (research, etc.), but I still don't know if this is the step we are "supposed" to take.  Both J.T. and I have prayed at length on this topic.  J.T. feels 80/20 towards IVF so we are going with, but both of us continue to feel like God remains mum on the subject.  

Who knows maybe He is trying to tell us something and we are just missing it?!?  I still think it will all work out and "will all make sense in the end".  Only now I am wondering if I may be nearing retirement age when that end appears...

 

Ugh

It's been a tough week at work and ended in cramps and another cycle that clearly has not ended in pregnancy.  To top off all that fun I just realized tomorrow is going to be a double whammy.  Hosting a small baby shower  and going out to watch the Super Bowl with two of JTs friends from work both of whom will be bringing their pregnant wives.  Sigh...