Home Study in the Books!

Ahh, a great deal of time was spent this summer completing the "dreaded' home study.  Which consists of a social worker putting your entire life (financial, personal, legal, physical) into a report to receive an official stamp of approval.  I can't imagine the adoption process being in the best interest of children without a thorough home study; however, it having your whole life viewed under a microscope is another step towards parenthood that sets us apart from most of our friends and our families.

Our social worker, Melissa (an adoptive parent herself) was wonderful and made the very tedious (an invasive!) process and easy as possible.  We had to meet with her on three different occasions for the interview phase of the home study.  We got to meet at our house which was nice.  She also gave us opportunities to ask questions and educate us about the adoption process.  The actual study of our home took less than 5 minutes, so the name is not an accurate portrayal of the process at all.  But, oh well!

She is now finalizing the report and it should be ready in the next few weeks.  We are finishing up our profiles and we should be "live" at the beginning of September!

Parenting Books

As a Girl Scout (well until I hit middle school) we were taught to always be prepared.  With that motto in mind once I devoured a healthy dose of books on adoption I forayed into the world of parenting books just in case we were the lucky recipients of a drop-in-your-lap match.

I have only made my way through four of these, but have definitely found some (what I hope will turn out to be) useful information:

Photo Shoots

We tease my mom mercilessly over her poses as a photographer, but she is hands down the best person I know when it comes to archiving memories as pictures.  She not only remembers (more often than not) to take pictures at events and occasions, she faithfully prints them, writes the location, date, and participants on the back and then organizes them in photo albums or photo boxes.  You would think with such a great role model I would be so good at this, but frankly I am the worst!

I almost never take my camera any where, and even though my phone has a camera, I hate asking people (even if it's just J.T.) to break away from the action to get a picture.  There is also the fact that I do not like getting my own picture taken that gets in the way.  In regard to printing, writing on the back and organizing, I was decent at this in high school and college, but since graduating forget it.

This weakness would not be terribly problematic if it wasn't for the fact that we have to create a profile book and webpage that highlights in words and pictures our life together.  It is also strongly recommended that most of these pictures be action rather than posed shots-yikes!

As a result, we spent all day yesterday having a "photo shoot" with my brother and mother-in-law.  With careful planning, we were able to recreate all of the things we like to do--playing games, playing with the puppies, cooking, etc. and have them look like they were authentically happening (we hope!).

I hope it doesn't sound like we are trying to be misleading, as we actually do or have done everything we had photographed, but due to our lousy photography skills (and the fact that they recommend no sunglasses or booze in any of the pictures) we had to improvise.

Thanks to my mother-in-law's skills, we ended up with a lot of usable shots and had fun in the process.  All in all it was a win, but also a firm kick in the pants to do a better job of taking pictures in the future!

Fire Drill

So even though our home study is not complete we have gotten a taste at what it is like to get "the call".  A colleague who is aware that we are adopting (he and his wife have adopted themselves) called on Thursday to see where we were at in the process and whether we might be open to a situation of which he was aware through his church.

My heart stopped as he began to explain the details and I got super excited!  I immediately called J.T. and gave him the information we had.  We became a bit concerned when a quick google search led to a pretty strong suspicion that there was exposure of which we were uncomfortable, but decided we would continue to just play things by ear.

On Friday I left to meet some girlfriends out of state (prepared to turn around at any moment if necessary).  On the way I got a call from my colleague explaining that the new mom was not clear on what open adoption truly was, her expectations were not going to realistically translate to a placement, and that her family had agreed (and preferred) to help her raise the baby.

So our excitement was short lived, but it was interesting to get a glimpse into the whirlwind of emotion we will get to experience when the real time comes (sooner rather than later-fingers crossed!).  We decided it was like our fire drill and believe we passed with flying colors:).

Adoption Books

I love to read!  The first book I remember reading myself was Cinderella .  I would read books, newspapers, magazines, comic books, the TV guide, cereal boxes...anything with words and provided anything that told a story, shared an opinion, or provided information.

When we decided to adopt, the internet was a bit too intimidating with its millions of resources from a zillion sources both research based and purely anecdotal.  As a result, I ended up looking for the most comprehensive best selling books to download to my Nook and then, gasp, did something I haven't done in years--went to the public library and checked out their supply.

I selected books written by adoptive parents, birth parents, adoption attornies, and social workers just to be able to see my new found world through the eyes of its many representatives.  Some books were written to provide information for those just starting, in the process and with an adopted child in the home.  Others were narratives or short stories that gave an insider's perspective of one family's experience/

Below you will find my top ten books (in no particular order) on adoption:

Where to Start?!?

Step 1:  Read a book (or two...in one weeked) to get the big picture
Step 2:  Make some critical decisions

• international versus domestic
• private versus public 
• Agency versus attorney
• newborn versus older baby or child

We landed on domestic, private, newborn adoption through an agency before the weekend was out!

Step 3:  Which agency to choose?  Geography is not a determining factor when selecting an agency.  After researching one local, two regional and one national agency, we felt the national agency would best meet our needs.  We would never be able to sit across the table from them (they are in California), but their connections to nearly all 50 states would best help us find our little girl or boy.

Step 4:  "Introduce Ourselves"  through a profile book, website and video while at the same time completing our home study which legally qualifies us to become an adoptive family.

It's nice having something to do:).

A New Leg of the Journey

We went to our RE for our first IVF consult Friday.  We sat down across from the doctor and listened to him review our situation to date and the statistics of where IVF could take us.  As a nerdy, data loving educator this conversation should have been right up my alley.  However, with each relatively positive statistic he provided I could not stop the tears from first filling my eyes and then rolling down my cheeks.  We asked a million questions, and he provided an answer to each.  While I never openly sobbed, I couldn't stop the quiet waterworks.

We left with the understanding that a June cycle was a definite possibility.  We were headed to meet some friends for dinner.  We got there about an hour early.  We were trying out at a trendy Gastropub and surrounded by craft beers, tapas and hipster strangers we made a life changing decision.  Within one hour of leaving the RE we had come to the mutual agreement that IVF was not our next step.  We landed there from a place of logic and firm belief that IVF was not how we were meant to start our family.   Our path would be be continued through the gift of adoption.

For three and a half years of uncertainty and infinitely more questions than answers, we now had a sense of direction not previously experienced before.  In our new excitement we shared our news with our families and, upon their arrival, our friends.  All of whom shared in our excitement.   We sat down to order drinks, three beers and a water for our friend who was 5 months pregnant.   For three and half years, like other women in my position, I struggled internally with pregnancy announcements, baby showers, gender reveals, and all things expecting.  The sense of peace I felt that evening that replaced the stab of jealousy/frustration/shame I usually experienced when discussing all things baby was further confirmation that we had made the decision we were meant to make.